Archive for May, 2009

What Would Gene Do?

joy to the fishes in the deep blue pool, joy to you and me

good times


I’m a gonna go see if the Night Manager at Home Depot can hook me up with one of these.  Then I’m a gonna go blow it up, pass out, git up, put it in the back of my hubby’s truck bed, and fill that bad boy up with water and pollen.  And then I’m a gonna call up all my pals and see who wants to go ride around in my pool while drinking canned Bud Light (cause it’s the best) smoking cigs and listening to Hank Williams Jr. 

I was one canvas bag and bean sprout sandwich away from becoming a bona fide hippie; but I made a hard left back in to cuella rojo land (that’s spanglish for red neck, y’all).

A riddle, shrouded in mystery, covered in an enimga

Life’s unanswered questions:
Why do people back into parking spaces?  Whose time does this save?  Not the person doing the thirty point reversal and certainly not everyone else behind you. 
Why is the Panera at Willow Lawn always so crowded?  Seriously.  This is insane. 
How come I never see little baby squirrels?  Only grown up squirrels?  Weird. 
Who legitimately likes the Pussycat Dolls?  Oh you’re all SOOOOOOOooooooo sexy.  We get it.  Your name is super clever, too. 
Why is Spam so weird?  The email not the food, but the food is weird, too.  Who is thinking of email titles like “Put your HARDER near her in WISCONSIN!”? or “Sexy Britney Blond girls like to party with CHEEEEEESE, PLEASE”. 
Not a baby squirrel

Not a baby squirrel

More flesh than the Greek Fest, roll up the sess

Ya’Sou!  It’s that time of year again ladies and germs.  Yep, that’s right.  The Greek Festival.  It’s one of the few times a year that people from the West End and Southside come into the city and get their culture on. 

For the unsuspecting first timer it can be overwhelming so below are some useful tips and tricks for having a blast and getting blasted:

 1-Go to a friend’s house within walking distance. Parking is going to be a bitch and trust, it’s better to hit up a buddy that lives close by and use them for their location.  They won’t mind.  As a matter of fact, they’ll eat that shit up and be all, “Oh of course you can meet here. I love living this close to everything.  It’s really what living in the city is all about”.

 2-Pregame.  Heavily.  You’re going to want to have a decent buzz before you arrive so things like long lines, ginormous baby strollers and running into exes don’t seem like a stain, but a part of the experience. 

 3-Bring Cash.  Ancient Greeks didn’t accept debit and neither do they.

 4-Divide and Conquer. 

 Have one friend who doesn’t mind sitting alone awkwardly for 30-40 minutes find a place to sit.  Pick the person with an iPhone or Blackberry so they can internets and look busy instead of lonely. 

Another will need to get in line for the wine-this is the most important job so give it a trustworthy friend who doesn’t mind cutting lines. 

Yet another will need to grab some eats.  I like gyros in case you were wondering.

If you have a spare friend then they can wander amongst the crowd and check to see if there are any attractive guys there (this will be my job, btw).

 Follow these four little gems and you’re guaranteed fun and maybe even some Greek inspired sexy times.  And you know how they do!  OPA!!!!!!!!!

I Think I Love You Part II

To the Night Manager of Home Depot who just left the bar at 9 am this morning,

Thank you so very much for stopping me and TL Dubs this morning to tell us that we are very pretty ladies.  I really enjoyed the compliments that you threw our way in between telling us twenty-seven times that you just got off work and that you are hammered. 

I really loved it when you showed me that you have a lighter attached to your work badge that you keep clipped to your pants at all times so that no one can steal it from you.   I think that’s an invention that is about to catch on like wildfire.

What’s that?  You think that TLW has yellow green eyes like a kitty cat?  She sure does!  Oh wait, she has snake eyes…yeah, that’s a possibility.  I can see that.  I don’t mean to be a stickler, but you may want to work on your animal impersonations.  Snakes don’t growl and swipe at things with their claws.  That’s probably what a bear does.  Snakes say “hissss” and do sexy dances out of wicker baskets when they hear music.  Snakes go crazy for flute tunes.

So you are the night shift manager at Home Depot and you just got off work and you have been drinking since 6 am?  Yeah, I already knew that.  You work the night shift because it pays you more money?  You’re on a salary of like 50-60k each year?  Hmm…okay.  You have been working there for seven years?  That’s awesome.  It’s so rad that you got paid today, and that you showed us all the cash in your wallet.  If my moral compass didn’t face true north I may have asked for a closer look at all those dollar dollar bills.

I believe you when you say that you are 29 but that you only look like you are 22.  I bet the dim light from the bare light bulb hanging in your bat cave does strange things to your reflection.  Anyway, it ain’t the years, it’s the miles.  And you sir have not held your Kelley Blue Book value.

I hope you have fun at the river after you sleep off your buzz.  We’re sorry we can’t go with you.  We love rivah time but you are creepy and so we’re going to take a pass on traveling anywhere with you.  We’ve also tried to wrap this conversation up politely but you are way too stupid drunk to take the hint.

Under no circumstances do either of us want to date you or ever see you again.  No, you can’t follow us into our office to get our phone numbers.  My husband will jujitsu your ass into next week if you don’t back off.  And TLW’s new fiance is a security guard; he may be 78 but she’s his little darlin’ and he is not afraid to use his night stick.

Buh bye now – have a nice blackout weekend.

I Think I Love You

So what am I so afraid of?  I don’t know ABBA, why don’t you tell me?  I think I seriously heart the security guy that works in the parking deck of my building.  Besides my dogs, (Good morning guys!) he’s the first person I talk to Monday through Friday and I want to marry him.  Now.  Well, first I’ll wait until the divorce is finalized (this isn’t Utah) and then I’ll marry him.
Granted he is probably 70 years old and missing lots a few teeth but every god damn morning, without fail, he’ll say, “Mornin’ Darlin! Sure are lookin’ pretty today!”.   I want to squish him and put him in my pocket and take him around with me places so if I ever start to doubt myself I can have Security Guard tell me “Boy oh Boy! There’s the Sunshine!” or “There you are, Sweetheart!” and I can be happy and smile. 
I wonder if Security Guard is like all other guys when they get the booty they’re outty 5,000?  I don’t think he is. I think this one is a keeper. I may even take him home to meet Mom. 

How Cosmopolitan of you

Actual conversation:

Tsaur:  Hey I have a new recipe I’m going to bring in for you.

Me:  Oh. 

Tsaur: Yeah. It’s for one of those Cosmopolitans.  You make it with Jello and sherbet.

Me: Oh.

Poker Face

I’ve decided to discuss one of the best parts of my “real job” just because some things are too good not to share.  You may or may not figure out what exactly I do, or you may or may not care what it is I do, or you may or may not agree that this is high-larious and that’s totally fine with me.  I like you exactly the same amount as you like me.

Anywho, I have perfected my my my my poker face when it comes to retracting offers of employment.  I swear to all higher powers I have never once laughed while telling someone that we changed our minds and absolutely do not want you to work here.  I have, however, punctured the inside of my lip, stabbed myself in the leg with a pen, considered what life would be like if there were no more puppies on Earth, relived Barbaro’s passing (he has been on my mind a lot lately), thought of Tsaur clearing his throat repeatedly and/or contemplated where I will hide when the killer bees come in order to maintain my poker face during these chats. 

The greatest part of these awkward heart-to-hearts is that people always insist on hearing, out loud, why we have decided to send them on their way.  Note that a reasonable person would have assumed the background check was going to be an “issue” under these circumstances.  The following are actual things I have said in response to but whhhhhyyyyyyyyyy?????

“Because you have six convictions for driving under the influence, and this position requires one to possess a valid drivers license”.

“You tested positive for cocaine”.  (Cocaine will not show up in a pee test after 1-2 days) 

“Hmm, well, armed robbery and all…”

“You have failed to appear in court over a dozen times.  Several states have bench warrants bearing your name”.

“Your drug test indicated that you are in fact, deceased.  Your urine was 110 degrees”  (wee wee left in the car in July will eventually boil)

“Remember those seven years in federal prison for arson?  We do”.

“Actually sir, pot is not legal yet”.

“Well it could be the child pornography charges, or the assault with a deadly weapon, but I’m going to go with drunk and disorderly conduct for shits and giggles”.   Okay, that one was in my head only.  I just stayed quiet with that dude and backed away slowly.

too much junk in your trunk

One thing I’ve noticed since being back on the dating scene is that men are crazy.  I’m not sure what happened from 2004-2008 but guys went from normal to certifiably insane.  Maybe it’s too much Death Cab for Cutie.  Maybe it’s men wearing skinny jeans.  Perhaps Hillary almost getting the democratic nomination told guys it’s okay to cry.  Whatever it is, men have gotten too in touch with their emotions and they’re not afraid to show it.

 1-New Years Eve guy.  Why are you calling me on January 1, 2009 10 minutes after you leave asking me what I’m doing tonight?  Wha?  Why are you calling my friend and telling her how much you like me?  Huh?  You don’t even know me-how could you like me?  I extra appreciated your 2 AM text of “What are you mad at me or somethin’?” that I got in February

 2-Friend of a Friend’s boyfriend guy.  You wonder why I’m not interested when you ask if I want to take tequila shots at 11 on a Tuesday?  When I say that I don’t think so, you ask me if I have “somethin’ better to do?”  Yes, yes I do.  It’s called “Sleep”. You should try it sometime. It’s great.  Oh, and then please get offended when you randomly call me like three months later and I don’t know who you are. 

 3-Bartender.  You were pleasant and nice enough but why are you talking about what we can do over the summer on our first date?  Our first/last date was in March?  Yikes.  This scares me.  Also you refuse to stop texting like a prison inmate and you have a ring back tone.  You’re too old for that.

 4-Teacher.  Again, nice enough but ohmygod are you crying right now?! Oh my god you are! Omfg I can’t even believe that hanging out and having some drinks is causing you to have such an emotional response!  Also, you talk too much about music.  I don’t care *that* much about Phish.  Thanks!

Mamma would be so proud

I’m trying to see if I can skip a week of grocery shopping because I hate going to the grocery store. It makes me cold sweaty and agitated.  Below is a list of the entire contents of my freezer, fridge and pantry. Keep in mind this food will need to last until Sunday:
1/2 gallon of milk
some coffee creamer
I can’t believe it’s not butter, Light!
A1 Steak Sauce (I’m not sure why I have this?)
1 can of green beans
4 granola bars
Bisquick (wha?)
2 cans of tuna
Pam cooking spray
4 slices of bread, not including the grody end pieces which will do in a pinch
I think I’m good to go! 

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