Ask Cafe Darkness III

Wow….we’ve really let our committment to answering your questions slide.  Here are some good ones:

I’m looking for some first date suggestions besides the typical Fan bar scene.  What do you recommend?

We gave it some thought, and decided that a perfect first-date during the fall would have to involve dinner, drinks and drama.  Skip out on your dinner bill, or try to avoid your cab fare by bolting from a moving vehicle.  You may not get a second date, but you will never be forgotten.

Why are there so many cats on Cafe Darkness?  Your male readers are ovah it.

Really?  Me thinks any man who uses the word “ovah” has a few cats of his own.  Semi-feral cats make excellent company!

I heard that TLW is in fact, an UMOT.

No comment.  Next please.

I had a dinner party and several guests arrived after cocktail hour, and I had already begun serving dinner.  Who owes whom an apology?  Was I a bad hostess?

Who are these rich gypsies who cannot be so bothered to be prompt?  Please invite us to your next party.  We will be on time to take full advantage of your cocktail hour and free home-cooked meal.  Trust.  You can be our new bestie, you fabulous host. 

How do I tell a new acquaintance that she’s more like a stalker than a friend to me?

You have many options.  We suggest a Facebook status update.

I really like this boy in my English class, but I don’t know how to tell if he’s into me too.  He sits with me at lunch sometimes and texts me pictures of himself skateboarding, but I don’t know if he thinks of me that way.  What do I do?

First, stop reading Cafe Darkness.  We’ll rot your brain.  Try the new 90210 show.  It’s supposed to be age appropriate.  Watch and learn from them how to catch the object of your obsession.  Your parents can address their nastygrams to the CW instead of the CD.

The birds and the bees!

Nice and awkward

I try to go visit my mom once a week.  I’m trying to get in good with her will and don’t want anyone taking what’s rightfully mine one day!  JK-I’m an only child and she’s broke as hell.  The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Hello! 

Anywhoos, a visit with good old mom never goes by without her either talking about something inappropriate or asking me an entirely too personal off a question followed with her being shocked when I refuse to answer.  Last night’s conversation was all about birth control! Yes, that’s right. Birth control.  Mind you I believe we were talking about how Obama was going to handle the increasing violence in Afghanistan before this little segue but I digress.  It went something like this:

Mom: When I was your age I was on the Pill.  I didn’t have problems with it like you do.

Me:  (already knowing what I’m in store for) Oh dear.

Mom: I mean what is your problem with the Pill, TLW? I mean, really?  Every time you try one there’s an issue. Jesus!

Me: (wondering what I did in a past life to deserve having this conversation) I mean, yeah….uh…I don’t know. I’m just not a fan I guess?  You know, Mom I really don’t want to talk to you about this so if we could just-

Mom: -You know what they used to have before the Pill? Diaphragms! What a pain in the ass those things were! It wasn’t just a diaphragm-you had to use spermicide, too. Messy!

Me: (Nausea quickly setting in) Oh my God.

Mom: Yeah everyone was really happy when the Pill came out. You know why?

Me: (having resigned my fate at this point I meekly answer) Because of the Sexual Revolution, Mom?

Mom: What? What’s that?  Did you say Sexual Revolution? My hearing is shot in my right ear. You know that. It’s because of that ear infection from a couple of years ago! I’m old, TLW! Anyways, yes, exactly. The Sexual Revolution-I was a part of that!  You kids today didn’t invent sex, you know.  But, I’ll tell you what the best birth control I ever had was but it hurt like a sonofabitch!

Me: (trying to think of something, anything at all that could potentially change this topic of conversation. Unicorns?  The weather?  Anything? Bueller?) What, mom? 

Mom: The Dalcon Shield! 

Me: Please stop talking.

Me: What? What’s wrong?

Me: Seriously, mom? You’ve just told me at least three different methods you used to not get pregnant and it’s gross. I don’t want to talk about this anymore!

Mom: Well you know you were a “surprise”, TLW. Don’t sit there and look at me like that. Say, listen-have you thought about that NuvaRing?

TLW: Goodnight, Mom!

Aaaaaaaand end scene! Let the record show that my mother is second only to my ex husband to recommend the NuvaRing. With advice like that, how could I possibly refuse?!

Top Five Things I Love about Halloween!

I'll have what he's having!

Besides Bosses Day, Arbor Day, Flag Day and Administrative Assistant’s Day, Halloween is my most favorite holiday of the year. Christmas is cool with all of the holiday cheer and St. Patrick’s Day is rad but there’s no dressing up.  You know what’s never a let down? Halloween.  You know why? Because it’s effing amazing, that’s why. It was hard to narrow it down to just five reasons why Halloween is so great, but I did my best.

 

1-Think of the children! When I was a wee little girl I remember getting so excited to go trick-or-treating that I would go ballistic to get that party started.  Trick-or-treating is ridiculously fun.  Too bad kids don’t get to do it anymore and have to go to the lame ass mall instead-or some stupid “Halloween Carnival”.  That sounds about as much fun as opening up someone else’s Christmas presents but we have to protect the children-they’re our most precious resource you know! 

 

2-Sweet Treats! I love me some sweet treats and Halloween is all about the candy.  I love meandering around Steal Your Soul, Inc and helping myself to the cornucopia of deliciousness.  Candy Corn?  Yes, please. Lil tiny Crackle?  I don’t mind if I do!  My personal favorites are the mini Snickers so back the hell off!

 

3-It scares fundamentalist Christians!  Because Halloween originates from an old Celtic Festival called Samhain many Fundamentalists refuse to celebrate it which I think is great!  I don’t want to see you dressed up as the Rapture anyway!  BOO! 

 

4-The ladies let loose! I’m not sure when Halloween become a reason for ladies to dress like harlots but I love it.  It’s so absurd! “I want to be a fire fighter, but a sexy fire fighter”.  “I want to be a doctor, but a super sexy doctor”.  Ladies, we get it. You want to be sexy but are confined by society’s Puritanical rules of “right” and “wrong” and you use this one holiday of the year to let your inner Jezebel be free.  Just don’t get mad at me when I laugh at you in your sexy nun costume because-honestly-that’s just stupid. 

 

5-Costume parties! Costumes + booze = fun like wow!  There’s something about donning an outfit and getting absolutely hammied that’s the bee’s knees.  I’m not sure if it’s the fancy clothes or The Monster Mash but TLW absolutely loves.  Have a great Halloweek everyone and don’t do anyone I wouldn’t!

Area women torn amongst slutty Halloween costume choices

CHESTERFIELD, VA-Southside resident and self-proclaimed “good girl” Rebecca Smith has been unable to decide on a Halloween costume for the upcoming holiday. The 27 year old office worker has been debating between several costumes including, but not limited to: slutty police officer, slutty nurse and the potential wildcard, the slutty bumble bee.  “I just can’t decide what I want to be this year.  I mean, if I’m the police officer then I can ‘arrest’ boys, but if I’m a slutty nurse then I can walk around with a stethoscope, which is pretty hot too”.  The final decision could make or break Ms. Smith’s night out on Saturday as there will be numerous other provocative fill-in-the-blanks vying for male attention.  “I want to stand out”, she added. 

 

All costumes choices are, as stated above, extremely suggestive and take the original costume’s theme but shorten, tighten and unbutton where necessary to give the wearer a sense of naughtiness apparently not expressed the other 364 days of the year.  Men respond favorably to this hyper-sexualization and will often purchase numerous shots and shooters in hopes of, at the very least, making out with the wearer in a bar bathroom.  When reporters asked Ms. Smith’s roommate and year round sexual provocateur, Susan Davis, what she would be for Halloween this year she said she would be The Virgin Mary. “You know” she said, “for the irony.”

I just can’t say “No”!

Mr. Paws, right after feeding time.

 

I’ve gotten a lot of questions recently about my 24 semi-feral cats.  Amazingly enough many people don’t know the first thing semi-feral cat ownership!  In an effort to educate the public, below are several FAQs that I hope will enlighten you.    

 

Is it true that semi feral cats form colonies? 

 

Yes, semi feral cats form colonies-technically called “clowders”. Furthermore, these colonies have a distinct hierarchy with one cat being the main meow-meow in charge.  In my semi feral cat colony, this big guy is the one and only Mr. Paws!  He’s half Tabby/half Persian/100% badass.  How the dominate male is determined in any colony is through a series of hissing and swatting matches in which the loser loses an eye nine out of ten times.  Take a gander at Mr. Paws’ picture above and I think any questions about his virility will quickly be squashed. 

 

How do you feed so many semi feral cats?

 

Easy. I just toss a bag of food on my kitchen floor when I get home from work and then go for my nightly run.  It’s best to not be around during feeding time. 

 

How many litter boxes do you have?

 

Six.

 

Is what you’re doing illegal?

 

Yes. 

 

Is it awkward when you’re keeping company and your apartment is filled with cats?

 

It depends.  I explain to any male visitor the situation beforehand to avoid any potential awkward encounters-particularly with Mr. Paws-as he is a bit protective of his lair when new people enter. Sometimes people are cool with it. Sometimes people think it’s weird.

 

Why do you own so many semi feral cats?

 

Why don’t you own so many semi feral cats?

 

How long are you going to keep up this shtick about these cats? It’s getting old. I thought you had two dogs?

 

I’ll keep it up as long as I want.  Unless you want me to start talking about my growing Precious Moments figurine collection then I say we just stick to the cats.

In Theory and Practice

Pre-Break Up Moment #742

Earlier today, TLW made her case for the proper use and care of the pre-breakup mechanism.  I was impressed by her strategic strategeri-ness, and thought about how I could use this information as I go about living my life.  I’ve decided the pre-break up has numerous uses. 

The Workplace Pre-Break Up

So look, I really like working here, but I don’t see us…you know…collaborating together much longer.  I want to be free to offer my services elsewhere and I bet you can understand that.  I know we all say that money isn’t the most important thing in life…but in this case, it most definitely is.  I’m looking for an employer who can afford me the finer things in life.  My mama didn’t name me Fancy for nothing!  (Please say this in a Latin accent…it will take the drama factor up considerably, especially if you are not actually named Fancy or of Latin origins).  So I’m just gonna go back to my desk and post my resume online for a few minutes while you take it all in.  But seriously, let’s keep in touch.  And by “in touch”, I mean be you need to be available as a reference for me once every 5-7 years. 

The Grocery Store Pre-Break Up

Say now, I really appreciate all you’ve done for the community and that every Wednesday is double-manufacturer’s coupon day, but sometimes I just want change!  It’s not that you don’t make enough suggestions that help keep me regular or bag my items quickly enough, but well…what can I say?  I’m too young to be so tied down to one store.  That’s what my Papap does.  He goes to the same store, every day, and plays his numbers and flirts with all the cashiers.  That’s just not for me.  I need variety!  I want to look at other store’s shelves without you asking me why I don’t still look at you that way!  You really want to know why I don’t look at you that way?  I’ll give you a hint:  you spend too much time in the bakery, know what I’m saying?  Look, don’t cry.  It’s not like we can’t still be friends.  I’ll be back next Wednesday, okay? 

The Grey’s Anatomy Pre-Break Up

Exhale slowly in a long bone-weary sigh…you’re in an operating room…fighting to save the life of a total scoundrel who is a lot like you were not so long ago, who despite being a cult leader that destroyed many families, is still a lot like you used to be and has more than a few redeeming qualities.  Wait!  Focus!  You need to pre-break up with your hot surgeon lover who took you for granted for like two seconds this morning!   You lean in across the table and just as you are about to say “It’s not me, it’s you” an artery bursts out of nowhere!  You must act quickly, because you’ve just discovered that the patient also has stage IV lung cancer and not just a knife to his liver!  And there’s a bomb somewhere in the hospital that is going to explode the next time a nurse’s shoe glides soundless down the hall.  You can do this…you can save lives and pull off the pre-break up and stop the bomb.  You just…need…time…oh good, look at that!  You cured the cancer.  You’re going to embark upon a study that will change the face of medicine forever!  Hey you – I don’t think we can see each other anymore! …Wha??? It’s too late.  You are too far gone to answer his silent sobs…you are a medical genius and there’s an intern around here that is just dying to sleep with you and there might just be some flying monkeys you think as it fades to black.

Yeah, that show lost me a few months ago too.

It’s not me, it’s you

Perhaps things would have ended differently if they had pre broken up!

Breaking up is hard. Breaking up with someone who isn’t your boyfriend is even harder.  The “Pre Breakup” is something I wasn’t familiar with until I became single again.  My first experience with the pre breakup found yours truly at the receiving end. Yes, even cowgirls get the blues!  I had been keeping company with the gentlemen in question for a few weeks. Things were good-not amazing oh my god I’m going to have ten million of his babies amazing-but good enough for government work.  I was shocked and appalled during a phone conversation when he said, “I really like hanging out with you, but I don’t see us…you know….dating”.  I wondered what in the world this guy was talking about.  Last time I checked I wasn’t his girlfriend?.  Instead I stammered, “Oh…okay….neat! I’m going to take a nap now, bye!”  I hung up the phone and immediately called Barista to inform her that I had been dumped by someone I wasn’t even in a relationship with.  We marveled at the ridiculousness of it all and had some woo woos to toast the end of the three week relationship I wasn’t aware I was even in. 

Many moons and boys later I realized that the pre break up is something I wish I had been doing for years.  It’s a win-win situation!  By just “putting it out there” that you don’t see you two in a committed relationship you have given yourself carte blanche to do whomever else you want while continuing to make sexy with the guy you just pre broke up with.  Genius! 

The timing of a pre break up is crucial.  You need to have been hanging out a sufficient amount of time-somewhere along the lines of 3-8 weeks is preferable. Being direct is best.  Personally I like the standard, “I like you and all, but I don’t see us…you know…dating.”  After you put it out there expect a whole lot of awkward.  That’s why it’s best to do this over the phone. I can not stress this enough. Pre breaking up in person is just too much and then you’re all, “check, please” or “alright, well the door’s this way” while the person absorbs that truth bomb.   

Important to note: Only pre break up with guys who are class 5 clingers who give off the “monogamy” vibe. Also important: do not pre break up with a guy who doesn’t care what you do when you aren’t together.  There’s no need to pre break up then because he’s just not that into you.  Zing!  Thirdly and most importantly do not pre dump a boy you actually enjoy hanging out with and may want to date seriously in the future. That’s just stupid.  Commit these three rules to memory and you’re ready to go pre break some hearts!

How to Succeed in Business Travel Without Really Trying

1.  While away on business matters, make sure to file at least one police report.  Have something important stolen.  You will receive lots of attention, sympathy and high-importance emails.  Use this opportunity to display your natural gift for story telling.  Make wide-eyed ingenue expressions to really draw in your audience.

2. Ignore your per-diem allowance.  No one tells you how much you need to eat!  You’re the boss of you.  That’s right – take yourself to Outback and order that Thunder from Down Under – you earned it.  Corporate Accounting is going to be so jealous!!!!

3.  Demand premium travel arrangements.  Talk about how you understand budget constraints but that you know someone could upgrade your room if you agree not to release that picture from last year’s holiday party.  No more Holiday Inn Express for you – it’s a Marriott Courtyard from here on out!

4. Break a piece of office equipment and act like you did someone a favor.  Talk about how maybe now they can get a new coffee maker/fax machine/reception desk like you have in your office.  You’ll look cool and people will be grateful.

5.  Leave your mark on the town you visit.  I suggest finding a gas station that doesn’t have an automatic shut-off at the pump and creating a large gasoline river.   Sure, this could be dangerous, but doesn’t everyone need a little bit more excitement these days?  Be sure to tell the hysterical clerk who you work for and that he can expect to hear from your people! 

PS – I expect my promotion any day now.  Trust.

Important yet Incongruous Thoughts from the Desk of TLW:

I promised Peaches, one of my 24 semi-feral cats, that I would post this picture of him from last night. What a cutie, right?!

Even though I despise leaving work when it’s already dark outside, I’ll appreciate a reprieve from the total and complete darkness at 6:30 AM. Now for all of you lucky enough to 1-not be awake at this ungodly hour and 2-not be outside walking dogs at this ungodly hour perhaps you will not reap the benefits of Daylight Savings as much as yours truly.  Everyone looks extra stabby and rapey in the complete and total darkness of the morning.  I’ll like it when I can differentiate from a hobo and just some nice lady going for her morning run.

 

Recently I informed a young gentleman that he and I could no longer know each other biblically.  There is never an easy way to do this and options range from simple avoidance (my personal favorite) to honesty (no thank you) or to Barista’s suggestion of “letting him go” due to a “reduction in force”.  Now I did not take B up on her advice but if I did I picture it going something like this:

Although I appreciate your hard work in and out of my bedroom, your services in the life of TLW are no longer needed.  Due to the unstable climate of relationships it is necessary to cut your position effective immediately. We considered many different criteria such as length of service, job performance and ability to remember my friend’s names.  We will retain your phone number on file in case the status of my current dating situation changes.  Please defriend me from Facespace and delete my number from your phone in order to avoid any drunken texts or phone calls. Thank you for your service in my life and much luck to you in your future endeavors!

 

Happy Hour last night involved some chit chat with a couple of chaps from across the pond.  Here’s what I was able to discern from our conversation:

Fella 1: “….something.. something…football…something…something…Guinness”

Fella 2: “…..something Visa…something…something….Liverpool”

Fella 1: “…something…something….American girls like guys who drive BMWs”

Me: “They do?”

Fella 1: “…..something fireworks…something Americans…4^th of July..something…..”

Me: “Awkward!”

Fella 2: “…Green Card….ten thousand dollars…something…something…marriage…”

Me: “Check, please!”

 

And finally, T Saur’s pants are so mothafucking short today I can’t even stand it!

Sometimes you gotta give a little to get a little!

Life is all about compromises and friendships are no exception.  For example, this past Saturday Barista wanted to get her day drink on.  I immediately declined her invitation. I had stuff to do like take my two hour Saturday nap.  I countered with the request that she hold her horses until 9ish and we could kick it out after that.  She thought about it and then countered my counter offer with grabbing a (as in one drink) while I get the chicken tacos I had been jonesing for all week.  I acquiesced and deal was done.

Later on in the evening we had to compromise again. About 4 glasses of wine and a red bull and vodka later B and I find ourselves at the Vault in a room that could only be described as the setting for Saw XX.  We agreed to hear about the great benefits of smokeless Camel products in lieu of a $25.00 gift card and one free drink. (Twenty five bucks and a free drink?! Hello!) I’m pretty sure I signed myself up to be shipped off to Smoker’s Island to die a slow and painful death suitable only for those who are selfish and terrible enough to use tobacco products, but for $25.00 I say fuck it. Times are tight these days!  Besides signing up for banishment, we were trapped in this death room for upwards of 20 minutes while the Camel reps went through their deal about how great these products were.  (They don’t seem great-btws-I think I’ll just stick to my cigs). 

I tried on more than one occasion to escape but Barista wouldn’t allow it! I think she threatened to cut me if I left assuring me it was for my own good. ($25.00! One free drink!)  I one-sipped her red bull and vodka and demanded more but I was trapped.  In order to distract her I placed the empty cup near her feet and told her be careful as she danced on the furniture.  She caught on to what I was up to and hopped down and demanded we “Face, face, body, body” dance until the time was up.  I accepted her counter to counter my counter offer and somehow managed to wait the remaining time until we were once again allowed be to free to live our lives.  I must say in the sober light of day, I’m glad B threatened me bodily harm and I’m glad I one sipped her Red Bull.  It was a win, win for everyone!