Archive for November, 2009

A Moment with Cafe Darkness

An email exchange from the ladies of CD.  Always ladylike, we keep our disagreements civil and find resolutions that are mutually satisfying.  Except for when TLW is sweet on her cab driver and the Barista starts bitching about the meter.  Or whenever Walmart or the Black Eyed Peas are mentioned.  In those instances,  truth bombs are thrown with no mercy.

B: Are you here? 

T: I’m back from lunch now! What’s up? 

B: I wanted to go smoke at Penny Lane.  You know, for old times sake.

 T: Dang.  There’s always after work….

 B: Was going to fitness @ 5:30 and would need a shower…

 T: Well just let me know! I lunch timed fitnessed so I’m free and clear.

 B: Did you really just let my dilemma between fitness and smoking go unchecked? 

 T: Jesus Christ-what was I thinking?  Mea culpa!

 B: You should be ASHAMED of yourself.

 B: All caps usage intentional.

 T: I read that with EMPHASIS so good job. I am ashamed of myself. Promise to never speak of this again nor tell anyone? 

 B: I’m going to go blog it on the mountain.  O’re the hills and every where.  Unless…

 T: Oh dear. I am frightened. What do you require? IN MY DEFENSE I was in the middle of working on the budget-which is tedious and mathy. I know it’s not an excuse but it’s an explanation

B:  Unless you walk with me to the market and smoke one in Penny Lane.   Let’s schedule an uber urgent meeting in Outlook.  How do I access the high importance font?

PS – Nice work on the bolded caps.  I am supremely irritated.

 T: Counter offer: I will give you a donation and we smoke outside.  The reason for my counter offer is that I have a meeting at three that I just realized and need to get ready for. I can come down post haste!

 B: Deal

Exactly as the Founding Fathers Intended

Give Me Foolishness

“We should be free to eat Big Macs® and smoke cigarettes on our way to have abortions.  This is America, dammit”.

“Mother, do you think this is appropriate conversation for Sunday dinner?”

“Yes I do.  I’m sick of people deciding what’s good for other people.  Let the idiots be idiots in peace”.

Spoken by an old woman in reference to healthcare reform.  She brought a tear to my eye.

No Smoking!

For serious!

In case you have been living under a rock the past few months then you are aware that Virginia’s smoking ban goes into affect tomorrow and us Café Darkness gals could not be more excited! Who doesn’t appreciate government’s intrusiveness on business owner’s rights to do what they want in their own establishment? I mean! Loves!  Although I do wonder what people will bitch about now, the ban got me thinking about other things we should ban in restaurants and bars.  While we are it why don’t we also make the following illegal:

 

1-Screaming children and their inattentive parents.  I understand that children are our most precious resource which is why it is most troubling when this resource is clearly upset and screeching at the top of its lungs and their parents are unaware of scene unfolding around them.  I get that in order to not lose it completely parents must learn to block out a certain amount of the screaming, but here’s a special request from TLW: when you are at a restaurant (other than Chucky Cheese) and your little one is having a complete and utter meltdown because they can’t dip their French fries in chocolate syrup mayonnaise, please calm the little angel down instead of ignoring it and ruining everyone else’s dining experience. Thanks!

 

2-Time limits in the bathroom. Especially for the ladies.  Especially in the Fan.  As much as I enjoy waiting in line for twenty minutes to go to the restroom I hereby petition that a five minute rule be imposed on all bathroom visits.  Ladies, I understand your need to go in the bathroom with your five closest gal pals and gossip about how hot that guy is at the other end of the bar (he’s really not, that’s the booze talking, but I digress) how about you take that convo outside-with the smokers. Ha! Zingers! Five minutes is enough time to take care of whatever biz you should be doing in a public bathroom.  End of discussion.

 

3-Guys in Lobster Pants or Ed Hardy. Different kinds of douche, but douchey nonetheless. It offends my “vintage hobo” fashion sensibilities and hurts my eyes and soul.

 

4-“Brunch Menus” It makes me sad when I go to brunch and the menu only allows me to order egg’s Benedict crab pizza. That is foul and makes me queasy-especially on a drinking stomach.  I want a cheeseburger damn it, not an avocado hollandaise turkey bean sprout wrap. Vom.

 

5-Loud, annoying drunk girls that aren’t us.  Drunk people are annoying but drunk girls really take it to the next level. They kind of resemble unruly children in their loud shrieking and tendency to cause scenes.  Unless you’re the CD, please take it elsewhere.

Black Friday Shopping Guide Part 3

Do you love Jesus?

 

If you love Jesus then you love America, freedom and Black Friday. It’s just that simple.  You’ve already learned two of the three tips to having a successful Black Friday: preparation and optimization techniques.  You know your basics and you are 2/3 of the way there.  Perhaps the most important part of any shopping spree is getting ready the night prior. What you do on Black Friday Eve, also called Thanksgiving by some, is crucial. 
 
First and foremost you need to start drinking.  Heavily.  The amount you drink is important as you do not want to drink so much that you pass out. Instead you need to maintain a decent buzz that will last you until the store opens.  I recommend drinking whiskey or wine. Beer tends to bloat one up and causes frequent bathroom breaks.  Interperse alcoholic drinks with a Red Bull (it gives you wings!) every third drink or so.  Illegal drug usage is acceptable but not recommended.  You do not want getting all jittery before the store opens. You need to be feisty enough from the whiskey that you do not mind throwing ‘bows but level-headed enough to remember you want that Nintendo Wii Console with Wii Sports Resort Value Bundle at the unbeatable price of $279.00! 
 
DO NOT GO TO SLEEP!  If you fall asleep and get up early then you have already lost.  Sleep deprivation adds to the sense of excitement and urgency.  Pop caffeine pills to stay awake if necessary a la Jessie Spano in Saved by the Bell.  Arrive at the store at LEAST four hours before it opens.  Do not bring extra equipment (i.e propane stoves, grills, etc) with you while wait in line.  Do bring more alcohol, cigarettes and music-death metal preferably.  Bring snacks.  Beef Jerky is a good choice as are pre-cooked Lil Smokies.  Do jumping jacks to remain alert. Heckle others in line. Warn them that you are about to “bring it”. 
 
Send undercover ops into the line to feel out what they are going for and adjust your plan accordingly. About twenty minutes before the store opens take three shots of whiskey to get warmed up. Dispense walkie talkies to your Patriots. Remind them of the goal at hand. Do trust falls to increase team morale.  Huddle up and pray five minutes before it is “go time”. Ask JC to bless you and make your shopping trip successful.  He is not too busy to answer your prayers!
 
If you follow these three easy steps then success will be yours. You will have more KitchenAid Professional 5 Plus Stand Mixers for $250.00 (normally priced at $320.00!) than you can shake a stick at. 
 
 

Black Friday Shopping Guide Part 2

Do you love Freedom?

Do you love Freedom?  Do you hate freedom-mongers?  Then by transitive reasoning you need to get out there on Black Friday and wear your dollar on your sleeve.  Tell the world you are proud to be an American. Do not let the terrorists win!   They don’t want you to buy that Fuji FinePix J28 Camera, 2GB SD Card & Case for the unbeatable price of just $80.00 but this America, damn it and we do what we damn well please! 

Black Friday is in two days. Are you ready? Of course you are not ready. You have only learned the first in the trifecta of Black Friday shopping rules. Yesterday you learned the importance of preparation and the importance of deeming which items are worth your time in obtaining.  Today you will learn about store optimization techniques.   

If possible plant an undercover agent as a hired employee several months prior to learn the inside tips and tricks to opening procedures.  Who hold the keys? Who is in charge?  Do all doors open simultaneously?  Are all registers staffed and open at the same time?  Have your undercover agent tediously detail all store procedures in a notebook that may be referred to on Friday. 

Obtain store blue prints. Memorize them.  It should take you no longer .2 seconds to tell which aisle has the Yankee Candles and which aisle has the plasma screen TVs.  Once the store’s layout has been committed to memory sketch color-coded foot trails based on deal juiciness. Memorize them.  Sketch and memorize alternate routes in case of roadblocks caused by piles of frenzied shoppers. 

The Leader of the group will dispense walkie talkies to other Patriots prior to the store opening. Once the store opens the Leader needs to obtain a bird’s eye view of the store where he or she can direct the rest of the teammates’ actions.  There needs to be at least two Runners. These Patriots need to be small in stature and fast-footed. They can not be afraid to throw a punch and be a good tumbler.  Tasers are not required, but recommended.  You will also need a Shopping Cart Czar who is to be positioned at a key location in the store where they remain stationed with the shopping cart. The cart must never move its predetermined position and its placement must be equidistant from your desired items.  The Shopping Cart Czar should preferably be trained in mixed-martial arts and not be afraid to use nunchucks in extreme situations. 

All team mates should practice agility exercises in the anticipation of bottlenecks caused by narrow aisle ways. Yoga, Pilates and strength resistance training are key.  Watch nature videos of monkeys in their natural habit and learn to climb.  This is particularly important if you plan on going to Costco or Sam’s Club.  Go rappelling to get over your fear of heights. Get over any fears of enclosed spaces by getting unnecessary MRIs several weeks prior.

If you follow these simple tips then you will find you are 2/3 of the way to success.  You will get the last DieHard Wheeled Battery Charger/Start for the basement bargain price of $69.99. Trust.  Up tomorrow: Black Friday Eve Rituals.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Concerned Coworker:  What’s up with your boyfriend?  I haven’t heard you talk about him in a while.

Amorous Lady:  Oh, I’m not allowed to call him anymore.

Concerned Coworker:  Why?  Did you break up?

Amorous Lady:  Well, not really.  I was told I had to stop calling him my sexy boyfriend.  I’m not supposed to talk to him again.

Concerned Coworker:  Huh?  I thought you guys had been dating for a few months.

Amorous Lady:  Right, I wanted to go out with him – that’s why I told him he is my sexy boyfriend and that I’m his girlfriend and that he couldn’t see other people.  Some woman in HR told me I’m not allowed to call him that anymore and that I have to stay away.  How stupid is that?

Concerned Coworker:  Okay….that’s..uh…wow.

Amourous Lady:  I hate Human Resources.  They always pick on me. 

Editor’s Note – I am so excited that I found Amorous Lady!  I have such high hopes that she will be as entertaining as Barefoot Coworker.  I think I kind of miss Barefoot since she left to pursue her scrapbooking dreams.

Black Friday Shopping Guide Part 1

Do You Love America?

Black Friday will here before you know it. It is the most important shopping day of the year and in case you did not know, we are in the middle of the worst recession since the Great Depression.  What better way to help bail out the banks than going out and buying a bunch of useless crap you do not need and can not afford?  Far be it from me to call someone Un-American but if you do not go shopping on Black Friday then you are, at the very least, a Communist Socialist.  

To prepare you for the shopping bonanza that will shortly ensue the CD will have a three-part series instructing you how to get ready for Black Friday.  Do not be fooled by other Black Friday shopping guides! They are all Socialist Communists trying to trick you into staying home and save your rubles…er…um…dollars.   

Today we will focus on the first step: preparation.  Before you can effectively spend money you must identify which items you want to purchase and where said items will be located.  Do you want new bathroom towels or Rock Band?  Tickle-Me-Elmo or a new lap top?  Which big box chain is selling said item? Wal-Mart? Target? Best Buy? 

Ask yourself if you are attempting to obtain the “hot” item the store is selling and weigh out the benefits and consequences of attempting to procure said item. Sure, everyone wants a $3.00 coffee pot but at what cost?  If there are only 15 $3.00 coffee pots but forty five people trying to obtain said coffee pot then perhaps your odds of getting your alternate “must have” item on your list is the better option.  Clearly I am referring to the Nash Equilibrium TheoryEveryone wants the best deal but if everyone goes for the best deal then many people leave empty handed.  Instead, pick the second and third best deals. (I.e. the Comfort Seat Cushion with Heat & Massage for the unbelievably low price of $17.49 or Country Style Holiday Doormats for the everything-must-go-bargain price of $2.99). 

If you want to really make Black Friday your bitch you will need to make it a group effort.  Enlist fellow patriots to help.  Make sure there is a clear leader of the group and delegate responsibilities accordingly ahead of time to avoid confusion.  Make it clear from the beginning that this is not a democracy. There is no time for “group think” on Black Friday.  Have a back up plan in case someone gets lost or trampled.  Bring extra body bags to prevent slippery floors caused by bodily fluids.

Plan, plan, plan. I can not stress this enough. Expect the unexpected.  Anticipate roadblocks and deal with them accordingly. Mental preparation is key.  Visualize your items and make it happen. If you follow these steps then I promise you walk out of that K-Mart with the $25.00 Martha Stewart comforter of your dreams. 

Tomorrow we will focus on store optimization techniques.

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