When people first meet us they often assume we must agree on everything. After all, we both enjoy smoking like ladies, mocking people on Segways while secretly thinking they’re badass and all around shitalkery. Once in a while, when we’re well into our third bottle of wine, we’ll uncover something we disagree about intensely and passionately. Behold the top five things we disagree about:
1-Coleslaw. This is a new one. Even more interesting is that this little gem occurred sober during working hours and apparently everyone in RVA also holds a strong opinion about cabbage and mayo. Barista makes the outrageous claim that BBQ is the best thing to happen to slaw. I couldn’t disagree more. To me, coleslaw on BBQ is akin to plopping pasta salad on your burger. Just say no, y’all. Just say no.
2-Rolling briefcases. For some reason, rolling suitcases really get Barista fired up. Just yesterday she saw one and I thought laser beams were going to shoot out of her eyes and kill the poor traveling businessman waiting in our work lobby. She doesn’t understand why I don’t care what people are rolling around. I say if they want to roll their work shit around in a dorky ass briefcase, go for it. Much like mom jeans, not my cup of tea but hey, do what you need to do.
3-Planned Communities. I motherfucking hate a planned community. I think they’re super creepy and I judge people who live in them. Hey, no one is perfect, okay? B takes a saner, more pragmatic approach. Let people live where they want to live. If you want to live in a pre-fab McMansion with a trillion square feet go for it. Makes sense, I suppose. I wouldn’t know. I’m too busy throwing clots because I hate Wyndham.
4-Wal-Mart. B says even though she’s a bit scared of the monopoly Wal-Mart will become, she lauds their business acumen and lower prices. (I know, right?) She says that if it didn’t work, then they wouldn’t still be around. True ‘nuff. I, on the other hand, LOATHE them and consider them a part of the secret Pentaverate that’s ruling our world. Other members include Disney, Microsoft, Altria and one member yet to be identified. Once this fifth illusive member is identified I will spontaneously combust so I’m not in a huge rush to figure out who this could be.
5-Pictures of kids on Facespace. Don’t get all Judge Judy on my ass. Let me explain. I’m sure if I ever trick a guy into knocking me up, I’ll post their pics all over the interwebs. The pictures I’m talking about normally occur 6-12 hours after a major snow storm and involve you dressing your poor child in a ill-fitted snow suit, plopping them in a mound of snow, and taking 5,000 pictures of the same thing. Then you post that shit and give it annoying titles such as “BLIZZARD OF 2010!” “SNOWSTORM 2010!” “FUN IN THE SNOW!” For some inexplicable reason, this doesn’t rub Barista the wrong way. Even stranger, no one else seems to care either and they go crazy liking that shit like whoa. Go figure.