Archive for March, 2010

RIP Moustache March

We'll all miss you!

Jesus Christ I love it when we receive real, live reader questions. This ditty came via DM from the Twitter and it reads:

Dear Café Darkness,

 

How does one cope with separation anxiety at the end of Moustache March?

 

Sincerely,

 

Already Missing my ‘stache South of the River

Dear Missing my ‘stache,

I totally get it. You’ve grown accustomed to that lil’ cookie duster for the past 31 days. What started out as  just a pencil thin lady tickler has blossomed into a full on Burt Reynolds badass flavor savor!  First of all, you need to realize that all good things come to end. It’s the circle of life, my friend and the sooner you accept the fact that you must part with your moustache, the better.  After all, it wouldn’t be the hipstery ironic fun time (!) we all know and love if it were “Moustache 2010”, now would it? 

Now go ahead, hop on your fixie and get yourself a razor and a PBR tall boy straight away. After all, Slaughterama is this weekend and you don’t want anyone thinking you’re a loser, now would you?

Cuccinelli: Ricky Martin is not gay!

Ricky Martin, "definitely not gay in the state of Virginia."

Virginia’s Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli filed a lawsuit earlier this morning in the United States District Court in Richmond asserting that Ricky Martin is not gay on the basis that his hit song “She Bangs” clearly states otherwise.  He further posited that to state you are gay after swaying your hips suggestively at the MTV Movie awards is unconstitutional.  Cuccinelli based most of his lawsuit on the part of the song when Martin sings:  

 

And she bangs, she bangs.
Oh, baby.
When she moves, she moves
I go crazy.
‘Cause she looks like a flower but she stings
like a bee.
Like every girl in history
She bangs, she bangs.

Earlier this year Virginia’s General Assembly passed a law stating that anyone in the American Top 40 Pop Charts was “not allowed” to be gay and if said singer stated they were, “they would not be recognized as such in the Commonwealth of Virginia”. 

Republican Governor Bob McDonnell attempted to quell the controversy several days later by issuing a statement saying if Top 40 Pop stars are gay, he would allow their catchy hits to play on Virginia’s airwaves, but he would “most definitely” change stations if one came on his way to work.

Monday’s question of the day!

Today I ate the grossest thing I’ve ever eaten in my entire life:  Kashi hot breakfast cereal.  Have you, or someone you love,  been subjected to the gruel-like consistency of this “food” product?  I have an entire box to consume so I’ll be talking about this all week.  Fair warning.

The Weekend in Review: March 19th-21st

Breathtaking!

1-Old Friend!  On Friday evening I discovered a magical unicorn: an old friend from High School who is not crazy and-wait for it-single. Holy motherfucking shit I feel like I won the lottery.  I immediately informed that she may be my new bestie and then she made the mistake of giving me her phone number! Ha, ha!  She has no idea what’s she in for!  

2-Monument Ave 10K! Oh no, I didn’t run it. The idea of paying money to run a route I run for free every day with 37,000 other people makes my skin crawl.  I’m just glad it’s over and done with so everyone will stop talking about it. It’s 6 miles, you guys. Any able-bodied human being should be able to run/walk six miles with minimal effort.  Jesus. Christ.  Add 20 miles to that 6 and I’ll slap you five because that’s badass. Trust. I’ve done it thrice.  Best cig ever is the one after running a marathon!  

3-Brunettes have more fun!  I decided to go au natural up in this mother. I refuse to be a slave to society’s version of beauty any longer and shall not pay for highlights ever again! (Maybe).  Level of sass increased 110%. Badassery is up 70% and all around I don’t give a fuck is up a record 240%!  

4-Yahoo Personals!  I love chatting with my ex husband.  He was dropping the boys off after their weekend visitation and I was filling him in on the haps in my love life.  Yes, it’s weird, I know. Moving on!  Anywhoos, he brilliantly suggested I use Yahoo Personals to meet someone.  Now I’m not sure, but I’m fairly certain Yahoo Personals is maybe one step above paying for sex off Jeff Davis Highway so I’m not going to take his advice but I will go ahead and just put it out there that if it ever comes to having to meet people off Yahoo Personals I’m going to just go ahead and thrown in the towel on life.  

5-Random compliments from strangers!  Yesterday I was looking a hot mess whilst walking the boys when a complete and total stranger to whom I have never once even seen or spoken to complimented my new ‘do!  He asked me if I was the same person (?) or if I had dyed my hair.  Not sure how to reply since I had never laid eyes upon this fellow prior to that conversation, I replied that yes, I am the same person, I guess? He then told me he really liked it and it was a nice change! Squish you random stranger!

Whatcha Gonna Do When They Come For You

how it should have gone down

 

Overheard, in a very crowded elevator:   

Lady MacDrunk:  I totally got pulled over after that party last night.  I was hammered.  Thank God my husband is a deputy.  I asked the cop if he knows him and he let me go home.   

The silence that followed was impressive.  It takes quiet a bit to offend this gal, but Lady MacDrunk succeeded.

We’re Here to Help You!

With a little help from our closest gal pal, Joceyln Testes-Harder, we once again answered your important questions for the folks over at RVA Mag.  Do yourself a solid and check it out

Do you want advice from Cafe D and Ms. Testes-Harder?  We’re here to dispense our invaluable wisdom on topics such as: what to do when you get yelled at by someone who read about themselves on your blog and is now confronting you on a Friday night when you are M to the C Hammertimed (yes, that just happened) , the best ways to gossip and not get caught (if glove don’t fit, you must acquit) and how to steal free cable (porn included!).

Hit us up at cafedarkness@gmail.com and we’ll help YOU be the best person you can be!

And the Survey says Wednesday Edition

There is a fierce debate going on over at Facespace about which is most dangerous. Vote your values and let your voice be heard!

You say tomato, I say gross.

Say Cheese!

When people first meet us they often assume we must agree on everything. After all, we both enjoy smoking like ladies, mocking people on Segways while secretly thinking they’re badass and all around shitalkery.  Once in a while, when we’re well into our third bottle of wine, we’ll uncover something we disagree about intensely and passionately.  Behold the top five things we disagree about:

1-Coleslaw. This is a new one.  Even more interesting is that this little gem occurred sober during working hours and apparently everyone in RVA also holds a strong opinion about cabbage and mayo. Barista makes the outrageous claim that BBQ is the best thing to happen to slaw.  I couldn’t disagree more. To me, coleslaw on BBQ is akin to plopping pasta salad on your burger. Just say no, y’all.  Just say no.    

2-Rolling briefcases. For some reason, rolling suitcases really get Barista fired up. Just yesterday she saw one and I thought laser beams were going to shoot out of her eyes and kill the poor traveling businessman waiting in our work lobby. She doesn’t understand why I don’t care what people are rolling around. I say if they want to roll their work shit around in a dorky ass briefcase, go for it.  Much like mom jeans, not my cup of tea but hey, do what you need to do.

3-Planned Communities.  I motherfucking hate a planned community.  I think they’re super creepy and I judge people who live in them. Hey, no one is perfect, okay? B takes a saner, more pragmatic approach. Let people live where they want to live.  If you want to live in a pre-fab McMansion with a trillion square feet go for it.  Makes sense, I suppose.  I wouldn’t know. I’m too busy throwing clots because I hate Wyndham. 

4-Wal-Mart. B says even though she’s a bit scared of the monopoly Wal-Mart will become, she lauds their business acumen and lower prices. (I know, right?)  She says that if it didn’t work, then they wouldn’t still be around. True ‘nuff.  I, on the other hand, LOATHE them and consider them a part of the secret Pentaverate that’s ruling our world. Other members include Disney, Microsoft, Altria and one member yet to be identified.  Once this fifth illusive member is identified I will spontaneously combust so I’m not in a huge rush to figure out who this could be. 

5-Pictures of kids on Facespace. Don’t get all Judge Judy on my ass.  Let me explain. I’m sure if I ever trick a guy into knocking me up, I’ll post their pics all over the interwebs.  The pictures I’m talking about normally occur 6-12 hours after a major snow storm and involve you dressing your poor child in a ill-fitted snow suit, plopping them in a mound of snow, and taking 5,000 pictures of the same thing.  Then you post that shit and give it  annoying titles such as “BLIZZARD OF 2010!” “SNOWSTORM 2010!”  “FUN IN THE SNOW!” For some inexplicable reason, this doesn’t rub Barista the wrong way.  Even stranger, no one else seems to care either and they go crazy liking that shit like whoa. Go figure.

And the Survey Says…

It’s a Boy!

Billy Mays II and Slap Chop!

 Barista is proud to announce the birth of Vince “Slap Chop” Shlomi at 7:04 pm on March 17, 2010.  Slap Chop weighed in at a healthy 6 oz and 169 grams, with a 3.7 inch colorful display and 385 minutes of battery life.

 
Named after Offer Vince Shlomi, the obvious successor of Billy Mays the spokesman,  Slap Chop  one day hopes to step out of Mays shadow and dominate the smart phone and as-seen-on-tv infomercial markets.  Slap Chop can already get on the internets as fast as Billy Mays II, and has a slide-out qwerty keyboard which Billy Mays II does not.  Slap Chop also does something supposedly awesome like run all sorts of applications at the same time while Billy Mays II cannot; however, no one including Barista can figure out what exactly is cool about that feature.  Slap Chop is a super awesome name, verb (slap chop = trust) and now also a drinking game which Barista and TLW will play for the next 8 months.  In conclusion, Slap Chop is every bit as fantabulous as Billy Mays II.  Beauty is in the web processor, right?
 
 
Slap Chop and Barista will call her mother as soon as they figure out how to use the phone.
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