Archive for April, 2010

I Hate Sex And The City

(Insert picture of the four gals shopping here!)
 
In honor of the upcoming  sequel to the worst movie I’ve ever had the displeasure of viewing, today’s post is dedicated to Sex And The City! Girl time! Cosmos! Jimmy Choo!

 

When you get married you tend to forget what life was really like when you were single and could do whatever you wanted without having to “check in/ask” your spouse/domestic partner/real doll.  The tendency to wax poetic about your “single years” is high. I know this because 1-I did this when I was married and 2-many of my married friends now do this to me.  I’ll resist the urge to quote Janis Joplin here because I have more respect for y’all than that. 

Anywhoos, what better television show/movie franchise to better capitalize on women’s inability to remember the past than Sex And The City?  If I had to choose the one thing that most makes me want to claw my eyes out and throw them at the television is the completely unrealistic portrayal of “being single”.  Let me tell you ladies and germs, it sure as shit isn’t gal paling around town with your three besties. First of all, this would not happen. There is one single person (me) and everyone else is married with 1-3,000,000 children, thus making grabbing a few Cosmos on a Saturday night a statistical impossibility without planning six months to a year in advance.  Plus also, Cosmos are nasty and I’m way too poor. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happier now than ever.  You meet new people and have new adventures and it’s completely badass, but to all the former single ladies, let’s keep it real.  So the next time you sit down with big ole glass of chardonnay (if you call it Mommy juice my head will explode) and watch a rerun of that shitastic show, think of me, being fabulous in my thrift store outfit.  Cheers!

Other Area Couple Plans to Attend NASCAR this Weekend

Not exactly what they had in mind

RICHMOND, VA.  Oregon Hill residents Henry Rollingsworth and his girlfriend Elizabeth Smith made the decision to attend the NASCAR races this upcoming weekend at the Richmond International Raceway.

Elizabeth, better known as “Bets” to her friends, first heard about NASCAR after accidentally talking to her next door neighbor and long time Oregon Hill resident, Earl Snead, Jr. on Monday.  “I was on my way to 821 [Café] because I love their vegemite wrap with radish spread and I almost hit him with my Scooter.” Bets explained, laughing at the memory. Stating she felt bad for almost crushing every bone in the old man’s foot with her awesome scooter, she stopped for a moment to apologize and inquired about his plans for the upcoming weekend. 

“That’s when he told me he was going ‘to the races’”, she explained.  Mistakenly assuming “the races” to which Snead referred to were a secondary, more badass version of Slaughterama, Henry and Bets decided they were in it to win it immediately.  “There is nothing more rad than RVA in spring. A bike jousting tournament? Hells to the yes!”, Bets declared.  “Henry is stoked about it.  He even decided we should bring an entire case of PBR, a handle of whiskey and at least three packs of American Sprits. LOL. I heart him.”

At press time, Miss Smith was headed to Fan Thrift, The Lamplighter and finally to Exile to search for some kickass treasures.  She narrowly avoided being hit by thirteen cars, three trucks and one super tall unicycle in the process.

Area Couple Plans to Attend NASCAR this Weekend

Not exactly what they had in mind

RICHMOND, VA. Windsor Farms residents Henry Blake Rollingsworth, IV and his wife Elizabeth Stanley Rollingsworth made the decision to attend the NASCAR races this upcoming weekend at the Richmond International Raceway.

Elizabeth, better known as “Bee Bee” to her friends, first heard about NASCAR after accidentally talking to her landscaper, Earl Snead, Jr., on Monday. “I was on my way to the [Three Chopt] Shopping Center before I met the girls for lunch at The [Country] Club [of Virginia] and I almost ran him over with my Suburban”, Mrs. Rollingsworth explained, laughing at the memory.  Stating she felt bad for almost crushing every bone in her landscaper’s body with her massively oversized Sports Utility Vehicle she stopped for a moment to apologize and inquired about his plans for the upcoming weekend.

“That’s when he told me he was going ‘to the races’”, she explained.  Mistakenly assuming “the races”  to which Snead referred to were a precursor to Foxfield and Strawberry Hill, the Rollingsworths purchased tickets immediately.  “There is nothing more Richmond than spending a day at the races! ”, Mrs. Rollingsworth declared.  “Henry is over the moon with excitement! He even went so far as to decide our signature cocktail should be called the NASCAR Napoleon!  Isn’t he just a hoot and half!?” 

At press time Mrs. Rollingsworth was headed to Lily Pulitzer at River Road Shopping Center, Westhampton Bakery and finally to Mango’s Hair Salon for a quick trim and highlight.  She ran over thirteen kittens, three squirrels and one blind man in the process.

Wednesday Randoms on a Tuesday eve!

 Oh hai, Wednesday! What’s shakin’ you sexy bitch? I suppose if you want to get technical on my ass it’s Tuesday night, but none of you will read this until tomorrow and TLW has a dentist appointment in the AM, aight?! Enough with the pleasantries. Let’s get on to some random haps, shall we?   

   

TSaur found a new girlfriend! How does he always have a steady stream of ladies interested in dating his stank ass?  Honestly, I’m about to just throw in the towel entirely. He’s getting action on the regs and I can’t trick some guy into buying me dinner on a Friday night?  Ridic.  He went on a “fitness date” with new lady on Monday and a coworker of mine spotted him running in Forest Hill Park.  (Gross!)  True to form he dressed as a douche EVEN WHEN RUNNING, which is impressive.  Instead of regular running shoes he wears these:  

   

Oh My

   

Right.  Moving on.    

   

   

   

Too many people are down with the power of the horn these days. Unis are becoming a bit too mainstream for my tastes. It’s time to move onto a new fantastical creature.  Up for the running are:  

   

Medusa.  (Dirty slut!)   

Snakes on a head!

   

Sirens (Dudes run into rocks then they hear their sweet beats!):  

I like singing, too!

 

Harpies. (They steal food! Mostly from guys! Ha!)   

 

   

I also have nice hair!

 

 

Last week I was in the CVS near my crib when this crazy man comes up to me and asks me how my dogs were doing. I didn’t recognize him as Crazy Neighbor at first. He’s lost a lot of weight and grown his hair out a bit. Actually he looks a lot like this guy:

I miss Arrested Development!

Anywhoos, I say they’re fine, all is well, blah blah blah. Then he asks me why, “I changed my identity?”  I asked him what he meant and he said that my hair was a different color and was I trying to be someone else?  I laughed and said no, I wasn’t running from the Feds or anything like that, just changing things up. Then he told me women can easily change their identities, but it’s harder for men.  After that he called me “his pretty girl” and walked away.  If I end up missing, point Nancy Drew in the direction of this guy, please?    

    

        

 

The Weekend in Review: April 23rd-April 25th

So sexy

Another day, another dollar, another rad weekend: 

1-I kicked off my three-day fun fest with a little Friday morning jaunt to Downtown Short Pump. What else says “relaxation” more than visiting the worst place in Richmond?  I had to get my peepers checked and, through no fault of my own, I ended up in the weirdest doctor’s office on the planet.  Topics discussed included, but were not limited to Agent Orange, working for a newspaper in the 1950’s, diseases that cause immobility, Obama being a socialist and last, but certainly not least, America turning into the Third Reich. And all before lunch!

2-When invited to a happy hour (that started many, many hours prior for all in attendance but yours truly) to Bailey’s in the Southside, one should mentally prepare to feel like the most sober person on earth.  As such, I attempted to quickly remedy situation with a little help from my shot bestie, Van Gogh, but was never able to get on the same level as everyone else.  Regardless, Bailey’s is badass.  They have a sign on the door that reads, “This is a smoking establishment”. Ha! Take that!

3-I blame Bailey’s for the drunkenness that quickly ensued upon leaving my new favorite bar.  Already a bit tipsy, I headed to a friend’s house. The night was supposed to go like this: nice dinner, a few cocktails and home early so I could be productive on Saturday morning. Instead it went like this: way too much vodka before a late dinner at Sidewalk, me falling (twice) and waking up on Saturday at 11:30. Win.

4-After attempting to shake one of the worst hangovers of 2010, I kicked it up to DC to see one of my most favoritist bands play.  I danced my ass off and didn’t fall one time!  Whoot!

5-Heading back home it was necessary to eat, ASAP.  As far as fast food goes, I heart Burger King (Whopper me!) so when my suggestion was not met with a “You’re disgusting”, BK it was. Instead of ordering something yummy (like a Whopper Jr. with cheese, hold the tomatoes) my traveling companion ordered the super disgusting BK Chicken Club (gross).  Halfway through the meal he tells me he thinks we hit an all-time low with the meal.  Too bad I was busy eating my delicious flame-grilled cheeseburger and tasty fries to even acknowledge that ridiculous statement.

New Study Indicates Governor Bob McDonnell is Dr. Claw

Governor Bob McDonnell plots destruction with the help of Virginia's First Pet, M.A.D Cat

RICHMOND, VA.  Researchers announced the shocking results from a recent study conclusively showing Governor Bob McDonnell is indisputably Dr. Claw, the antagonist from the popular 1980’s cartoon Inspector Gadget.  The study, which commenced in January when the Governor first took office, was concluded late yesterday. 

 

Dr. Green, the head scientist leading the study stated earlier Bob McDonnell is Dr. Claw, “beyond a reasonable doubt.”   Dr. Green pointed to the “indisputable” facts such as McDonnell’s refusal to include sexual orientation in the state’s anti-discrimination policy, the resurrection of Confederate History month, and finally the restriction of state funds for abortions to be used only for women who have been victims of rape and incest.  “How could a regular man accomplish so much evil in just four months?  Clearly, the only way this would be possible is if he were a cartoon character”, Green explained to reporters. 

He stated his team first assumed the Virginia Governor was Magneto from X-Men.  But Magneto was quickly ruled out, “since he’s Jewish.”  Gargamel from The Smurfs was also considered until they, “remembered Gargamel was a wizard” something the conservative Christian Governor would never believe in.   “Magic scares them”, he explained.  Finally researchers settled between two top candidates: Shredder from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Dr. Claw.  After intensively studying both evil antagonists, Shredder was discounted due to his ethnicity.  “He’s Asian. And McDonnell would never be Asian.” Added Green, “Even a badass ninja with sweet ass moves.”   

At press time Bob McDonnell’s office was busy preparing the counterattack in response to the defeat of his bill that aimed to cut all state funds from public television and radio.  Said McDonnell, “I’ll get you next time, Sesame Street and Morning Edition!   Next time!”

Facespace May be the Death of Me

I saw this little ditty of a status update on Facespace today and it made me want to claw my eyes out of my skull and throw them at the person who posted it. Please note: this is exactly how it appeared on my news feed.   

I am a cook, a housekeeper, a parent, a teacher, a student, a referee, a taxi driver, a nanny, a nurse, a handy woman, a maid, a secretary, security, and a comforter. I don’t get holiday, sick pay, or a day off, I work through the day and some of the night, I am under paid and over worked. Now tell me that YOUR job is harder then mine. Repost this if you’re a MOM.

Let’s break down the most annoying aspects of this update, besides the preachy, “I’m better than you” vibe.  We’ll leave that to your imagination!

1-I’m not sure when not having pushed a child out of a vagina exempted us empty-wombed women from having to cook, drive, tend to wounds we suffer when skipping and subsequently falling or paying bills but nada mas!   Life: I’m doing it wrong! 

2-I also work through the day and am underpaid. Totes sucks!  And it is “underpaid”, not “under paid”, just so you know. Same deal with “over worked” which means something entirely different from what you meant to say which was “overworked”.  And last but not least, it’s “harder than”, not “harder then”.  Sorry, grammer’s a bitch! 

3-Again, I’m not trying to be a stickler, but I would say these should be separate sentences: 

I don’t get holiday, sick pay, or a day off (PERIOD!) I work through the day and some of the night (PERIOD!) I am under paid (SIC) and over worked (SIC).

4-I don’t care enough about my job to tell you if it’s harder than yours. My job blows. Sounds like yours does, too so we’re even.

5-I’m not a MOM, but I am an AQUARIUS. I like tacos, unicorns and shiny things with a sparkle. Let’s get together and talk about you and your MOTHERHOOD and me and my inability to connect to people on an EMOTIONAL LEVEL!

Cafe Darkness Top Five Ways to Avoid your Coworkers!

The coast is clear. Proceed with caution.

Working in an office forces you to interact with people you would normally cross the street to avoid in real life.  As such, there are social niceties that one is forced to abide by so as to not be fired.  Below are the top five offenders and what to do when you find yourself in these  super scary situations.

1-Elevators.  I will walk up 6 flights of stairs to avoid riding in an elevator with a stranger. The more strangers, the more shift-eyed I become, but sometimes you think you’re in the clear and suddenly you sense someone trying to catch the same elevator you’re already in.  How do you avoid taking an elevator with someone you work with?  First of all: breathe. You’ll get through this.  If you sense them coming, hit the “close door” button repeatedly. Hopefully they’re a fatty (likely) and will slowly shuffle up just as the elevator doors close in their face. 

2-Break room.  This is a top offender, especially early in the AM. You need coffee but the last think you want to do is talk about your coworker’s child’s soccer game. (PSA to all parents:  Trust me when I say no one cares. No One.)  Anywhoos, the best way to avoid engaging in mindless chatter is to put on your “busy” face. When they attempt to talk, simply nod and say you would love to hear all about it, but you must get those TPS reports out before your boss gets in.

3-Before meeting chatter.  Besides meetings being the biggest time waster on the planet, they are also ripe with opportunities to have to talk to people you hate.  The best way to avoid discussing American Idol is to arrive 5-10 minutes late. If your tardiness for the party is questioned, blame your Outlook calendar. Or Tsaur.  Works every time.

4-The pop-by. Sometimes you can’t control who stops by your desk to chat with you about their mile long runs (TSaur, I’m looking at you here), their granddaughter’s birthday party (Hulking Secretary FTW) or their millionth weekend getaway to the Homestead (Manager).  The best way to avoid these unwelcomed intrusions to your internetting is to make sure you constantly have your headphones on (it makes you appear engrossed) and piles of work scattered about your desk. They’ll take one look at you and just keep on walking lest you ask them to assist.

5.  Copy room and/or fax machine.  If you feel like partying like it’s 1999, you’ll take your bad self to the copy room and make yourself some copies or you could hot tub time machine back to 1984 and fax yourself some papers!  In these situations you’re trapped and there’s little you can do to avoid being bothered you when you’re busy daydreaming about unicorns.  (!!)  To extricate yourself from this situation, you’ll need strategery.  A good offense is required in this case so make sure you thwart any attempts by saying you think you had some bad mayonnaise at lunch and your stomach is acting up something fierce!  They’ll want to leave worse than Whitney Houston needs a new hit.  Trust.

Hitler Shocked, Saddened By Lack of Facebook Birthday Well-Wishes

Not One Person Noticed the Change in Profile Picture Earlier Today

SEVENTH RING OF HELL, HELL-Adolph Hitler prematurely updated his Facebook status today from the fiery depths of hell where one of the most evil men in the history of mankind will spend an eternity to, “thank you everyone for the birthday wishes!” when, in fact, not one friend wished the former German dictator and leader of the Nazi party to have a happy birthday.  

Hitler had been anticipating an influx of updates to his page from friends wishing the man responsible for the deaths of over 11 million people to, “have a great day.”  “I just can’t believe it” said Hitler from the shores of the Lake of Fire. “I thought Joe (Joseph Stalin) would have at least liked my status today and I can’t believe V-dog (Vlad the Impaler) didn’t help tend my Farmville crops considering I totally helped him build a barn last week.  But whatever, it’s cool.”  

When reporters questioned Joseph Stalin and Vlad III of Romania as to why they refused to wish their Facebook friend a happy birthday they responded that admittedly they were into some, “pretty fucked up shit when we were alive like starvation and impaling and stuff like that, but nothing that messed up.”  Added the men, “Jesus H. Christ.”  

At press time both Stalin and Vlad III had unfriended Hitler leaving him with zero friends.

The Weekend in Review: April 16th-18th

Not the type of dance party I attend

 

I would like to extend my personal thank you for all who came out to make this weekend particularly badass.  RVA is especially sassy right now and I love it. Blame it on the warmer weather, the alcohol or the rain, just don’t blame me. Here are the highlights of the Little Weekend that Could: 

1-I did not trip and fall one time.  I mean! This in and of itself is an accomplishment. Plus also, almost all of my scrapes from last weekend’s trips and spills are almost completely healed.  I was particularly worried about this considering Barista was out of town gambling, but as it turns out, I was just fine!  

2-Friday night shenanigans.  From what I recall, I had a great time. I always judge the level of fun I had the night prior by the state of dress in the morning: 

Waking up in all of the clothes you wore the night prior intensely spooning two dogs = You had a really good time last night. 

Waking up in your pjs intensely spooning two dogs = You really should have stepped it up a notch.  Better luck next time. 

3- Not attending the Chili Cook-off.  This may be the grossest event Richmond has to offer.  Although the people watching is top-notch, the idea of paying money to eat the nastiest food ever is unappealing to say the least.  No thank you. I was busy napping and dreaming Charlie Sheen was hitting on me and that my car could magically turn into a scooter. Whee!   

4-Dance parties.  I won’t lie, I like shakin’ what my mama gave. As such, when the opportunity presents itself to dance, dance, dance I am there.  Cous Cous provided the perfect venue on Saturday evening for a good, old-fashioned dance party.  Good job, everyone. Well done.  

5-Traveling on foot!  Ever since the weather warmed up, I’ve taken to caminar a pie when going out for the evening. Side note: Today’s Spanish 101 lesson brought to you by Corona.  It’s Mexican for beer!  Anywhoos, I live close enough to most watering holes that it takes longer to drive and find a parking spot than hoofing it.  Besides getting a little bit of extra fitness, walking lends itself to more opportunities for adventures. Like climbing monuments. And impromptu skipping. Ya know, the finer things in life.

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