Archive for the ‘ask cafe darkness’ Category

Ask Cafe Darkness!

It’s been way too long since I’ve answered your questions. I apologize. I’ve been busy obsessing about the BP oil spill, but oily pelicans are no excuse to ignore you!  Let’s get to it, shall we?

Dear Café Darkness,

 

My boyfriend and I recently broke up, but I was thinking we could still be friends. Is this a good idea?

 

Sincerely,

 

Friends in the Fan

 

No. Next question.

 

 

 

Dear Café Darkness,

 

Lately it seems every guy I meet becomes totally obsessed with me and won’t leave me alone. How do I let them know that I don’t want them to call, text, come over, stay over and be around me 24/7?

Sincerely,

Too Hot To Cool Down in Manchester

Dear Hot Stuff,

I get it. Trust me.  You brought your milkshake to the yard and boys were all, “oh hells yes” and now they won’t leave you alone. I, too, suffer a similar affliction. I call it “being awesome”. So what can you do to make sure your male suitors don’t fall in love with you?  First of all, tell them such. I make sure I dispense this bit of info on the second date. Just a simple “don’t like me” will suffice.  It won’t work, but at least you got it out there. Second, make sure you don’t answer (most of) their phone calls and texts. This will let them know they’re not a top priority in your life. Thirdly (and this is the most important one of all) after making the sexy make sure they know that you’ve had better and you’re considering not doing that with them ever again. If you follow these three simple tips, you’ll enjoy a summer of breaking hearts all over RVA! Enjoy!

Ask Cafe Darkness

Can we all go to this bar now, please?

Wow, it’s been a minute since we’ve answered your questions! Sorry, y’all! I’ve been busy drinking wine and taking shots of tequila on a school night. (Blech). Anywhoos, after sifting through none hundreds of your questions, here are the ones I feel require the most attention.  Side note: I’m punchy today because of tequila, so I apologize for my sassitude.

Dear Café Darkness:

 

Why does TLW only speak in a cockney accent when she’s deep in her cups? It’s annoying and not nearly as funny as she thinks it is. 

 

Over it in the Southside.

Dear Over it,

First off, you live in Southside, so stfu. Second of all, we couldn’t agree more. It’s irritating and we’re not quite sure what to do about it.  There is currently a small group of people talking about going all Intervention on her ass like they did back in the fall about her semi-ferals. I.e: Your addiction to speaking in cockney has affected me in the following ways: It makes me want to slap the shit out of you, it makes boys look at you funny, etc.  If you want to get up in on it, hit us up at cafedarkness@gmail.com!

Dear Café Darkness,

 

It’s Memorial Day weekend and I don’t have any plans. What should I do?

 

Lonely in Lakeside

Dear Lonely,

I don’t understand you people.  How many times do we have to tell what you need to do to make some friends? Jesus. Christ. Turn off your god damn Xbox and get your ass out and about! Shake what your mamma gave you! Buy some people some shots! I’m not answering questions like these anymore because you have the tools (liquid courage) in your tool belt (this blog) to help you.  GO LIVE YOUR LIFE!

There are no stupid questions!

Ask and ye shall receive!

LOL/JK.  There are stupid questions! But your questions, dear readers, are never stupid.  (Unless your question is, “Should we get another?” and that’s just unacceptable). 

We’ve got a new batch of advise for you no account fools over at RVAmag.  On this week’s agenda: coworkers who blow shit, spring time Bacchanalia and Down Town Short Pump.  Live it. Learn it. Love it.

Peace out, bitches!

RIP Moustache March

We'll all miss you!

Jesus Christ I love it when we receive real, live reader questions. This ditty came via DM from the Twitter and it reads:

Dear Café Darkness,

 

How does one cope with separation anxiety at the end of Moustache March?

 

Sincerely,

 

Already Missing my ‘stache South of the River

Dear Missing my ‘stache,

I totally get it. You’ve grown accustomed to that lil’ cookie duster for the past 31 days. What started out as  just a pencil thin lady tickler has blossomed into a full on Burt Reynolds badass flavor savor!  First of all, you need to realize that all good things come to end. It’s the circle of life, my friend and the sooner you accept the fact that you must part with your moustache, the better.  After all, it wouldn’t be the hipstery ironic fun time (!) we all know and love if it were “Moustache 2010”, now would it? 

Now go ahead, hop on your fixie and get yourself a razor and a PBR tall boy straight away. After all, Slaughterama is this weekend and you don’t want anyone thinking you’re a loser, now would you?

We’re Here to Help You!

With a little help from our closest gal pal, Joceyln Testes-Harder, we once again answered your important questions for the folks over at RVA Mag.  Do yourself a solid and check it out

Do you want advice from Cafe D and Ms. Testes-Harder?  We’re here to dispense our invaluable wisdom on topics such as: what to do when you get yelled at by someone who read about themselves on your blog and is now confronting you on a Friday night when you are M to the C Hammertimed (yes, that just happened) , the best ways to gossip and not get caught (if glove don’t fit, you must acquit) and how to steal free cable (porn included!).

Hit us up at cafedarkness@gmail.com and we’ll help YOU be the best person you can be!

Don’t ask the question if you don’t want the answer!

Us, working hard for you!

We clearly know what we’re talking about when it comes to drinking wine on a school night,  smoking like ladies and all around badassery. As such, those crazy cats over at RVA Magazine asked us to dispense our invaluable advice on their site, too! Squish!  Check it out at your workday leisure.  

Do you want our advice on how to make the sexy, get away with workday hangovers or how to rock Snuggies on a Friday night? Hit us up at cafedarkness@gmail.com    We make zero guarantees regarding the actual outcome but do promise that 90% of what we say is (mostly) legal in Costa Rica, the Dominican Republic and Honduras!

Ask Cafe Darkness: Should I Shag My Employee?

Get you some!

Yesterday Barista wrote about the do’s and don’ts of office romance.  What should you do when you find yourself in a fit of uncontrollable passion which causes you to throw all the papers to the ground so you can make sexy on an oversized mahogany desk?  (Still waiting to scratch this off my bucket list, btw. If you can make it happen-email me!)  Anywhoos, as always with our posts, it sparked some questions, most notably the question of what should one do if they are the boss and their employee-an underling if you will-flirts with them.  The answer to this question is so simple it shouldn’t even require answering but since we are loyal to our readers I’ll take the time out of my super duper busy day of playing Words With Friends to answer it.

Do: decide if this employee is shagable

Don’t : tell them this.

 

Do: feel them up and assess their goodies.  Boob and package size are a must know before taking the next step. 

Don’t: do this in front of other people.

 

Do: make sexy. Now.

Don’t: record it, text about it or in any way incriminate yourself that could be used against you in a court of law. I’m looking at you Big Tig. 

 

Do: get kinky. 

Don’t:  do missionary.

 

Do: be creative!

Don’t: Google “how to be creative when making sexy” from your work computer. Dumb ass.

 

Do: tell your friends

Don’t: tell your significant other.

 

Do: realize how rad it is to get laid on the company dime.

Don’t: charge connies to company credit card.

If you follow these easy tips and tricks you’ll be banging that flirty employee in no time-maybe even in the elevator or stairwell which would be ridiculously hot, now wouldn’t it? Meow!

Ask Cafe Darkness!

We have been most delinquent in answering the questions of our readers.  Please accept our deepest apologies as it the time of the month to reach into our second hand mailbag and drop truth bombs. 

Dear Café Darkness,

Recently I got kicked out of a strip club for being too disorderly. What could I have done differently?

 Sincerely,

 

Missing the Pop n Lock in Southside

Dear Pop n Lock,

We understand that sometimes seeing boobies in person gets the fellas so excited they just can’t contain themselves.  If you ever find yourself getting too out of control by all of the boobs and daddy issues and simulated sex acts simply make it rain.  Loudly.  You can pretty much do whatever you what-including spitting your drink all over the stripper’s face-as long as you compensate her for the cost of dry cleaning.

 Sincerely yours,

 

The CD

 

 

 

Dear Café Darkness,

What makes you guys experts on anything?  I think you’re full of it. 

 Angrily,

 

You’re Not Funny at all in the Fan

 

Dear Sometimes I feel Funny “down there” when I watch American Idol,

We don’t claim to be experts on anything except which bar has the best woo-woos and where we can smoke like ladies in the RVA.  We’re currently getting certified in How to Dress Like Hobos, but we won’t have that completed until the Spring.  Please direct any medical questions to your primary care physician.  We can not diagnose STDs over the internets. 

With love always,

 

The CD

 

Do you have a question you would like to us to answer?  Hit us up at cafedarkness@gmail.com!

Ask Cafe Darkness: Holiday Edition

Please recommend a festive cocktail for a ladies-only holiday party.

All of them.  Seriously.  Drink all of the cocktails you can get your paws on.  It will be festive, trust. 

Do I have to do separate gifts for each person or can I just give one family gift to my sister, her husband and their kids?

For starters, I commend you for asking Cafe Darkness this question.  You clearly are looking for someone to tell you not to buy any presents, but to gift your family with your mostly sober presence.  But guess what – we’re not going to tell you that, because we know a thing or two about popularity.  Your dilemma comes down to how strong your desire is to be liked by your family.  If you want to be the coolest aunt (we assume you are a chica) in the world, buy all of your nieces and nephews something their parents absolutely don’t allow them to have, like illegal fireworks.  Stick around all day so that your sister will feel uncomfortable about taking your gift away from the kiddies.  On the other hand, if you want this part of your family to leave you alone, gift the family a joint gift of used Holiday magazines from your dentist’s office. 

How can I be more inclusive to my non-Christian friends without acting like I don’t celebrate Christmas?

We’re confused by this question.  Our non-Christian friends are highly entertained by watching us celebrate Christmas.  They get a real kick out of our boozy binges, greedy grab fests and our fight for seating at midnight mass when we only go to church twice a year.  I say tis the season of giving your Jewish and Muslim friends a laugh.  Mazel tov! 

I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months, but I’m not sure where we stand in the gift giving process.  What should I do?

Well, do you want to get married anytime soon?  If so, buy him a rifle, a box of Cuban cigars, a nice bottle of Scotch and renew his subscription to Playboy.  He’ll cry tears of joy.  Once you have that ring on your finger you can start giving him the shirts you really want him to wear, or a gym membership to remind him he better keep it tight.

Everyone else in Richmond is going to be on vacation next week and I have to work.  WTF?

Our condolences.  Drink heavily all night, every night next week.  You can probably catch a solid 6 hours of shut-eye at work. 

Happy Holidays – xoxo

Cafe Darkness

Ask Cafe Darkness III

Wow….we’ve really let our committment to answering your questions slide.  Here are some good ones:

I’m looking for some first date suggestions besides the typical Fan bar scene.  What do you recommend?

We gave it some thought, and decided that a perfect first-date during the fall would have to involve dinner, drinks and drama.  Skip out on your dinner bill, or try to avoid your cab fare by bolting from a moving vehicle.  You may not get a second date, but you will never be forgotten.

Why are there so many cats on Cafe Darkness?  Your male readers are ovah it.

Really?  Me thinks any man who uses the word “ovah” has a few cats of his own.  Semi-feral cats make excellent company!

I heard that TLW is in fact, an UMOT.

No comment.  Next please.

I had a dinner party and several guests arrived after cocktail hour, and I had already begun serving dinner.  Who owes whom an apology?  Was I a bad hostess?

Who are these rich gypsies who cannot be so bothered to be prompt?  Please invite us to your next party.  We will be on time to take full advantage of your cocktail hour and free home-cooked meal.  Trust.  You can be our new bestie, you fabulous host. 

How do I tell a new acquaintance that she’s more like a stalker than a friend to me?

You have many options.  We suggest a Facebook status update.

I really like this boy in my English class, but I don’t know how to tell if he’s into me too.  He sits with me at lunch sometimes and texts me pictures of himself skateboarding, but I don’t know if he thinks of me that way.  What do I do?

First, stop reading Cafe Darkness.  We’ll rot your brain.  Try the new 90210 show.  It’s supposed to be age appropriate.  Watch and learn from them how to catch the object of your obsession.  Your parents can address their nastygrams to the CW instead of the CD.

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