Archive for the ‘cafe darkness top 5!’ Category

Happy New Year!

 

Happy New Year!

‘Tis the season for New Year Resolutions and here at Café Darkness, I also have made a list of resolutions.  However, as opposed to all the morons who will infiltrate the gym for two weeks before going back to their lives of gluttony and sloth, I have zero intention of keeping any of these resolutions. Let’s think of them as more like anti-resolutions!

1-Quit Smoking. No thank you!  If the Mayans are right (and I think they are!), I have less than two years of smoking like a lady left before we’ll all donezo.  If and when we make it to 2013, I’ll strongly consider not quitting smoking once again.

2-Check my mail more than once a month.  I know this would please my local USPS worker dearly as they love to leave me notes asking me to please check my mail and even go as so far as leaving it in front of my apartment. (Still don’t care, I’ll just step over it).  However, I will not do this. As much as I love getting bills and credit card offers on the regs, I will have to decline this invitation. 

3-Go out less.  In theory, this is a solid resolution, but let’s get real. Why set the bar (pun intended!) impossibly high?  That’s like a meth addicted prostitute off Jeff Davis saying she won’t give any more awkward handies and is going to enroll in Community College to become a paralegal and turn her life around. Ain’t happenin’ folks. Next!

4-Like babies more. Lol. No.

5-Stop procrastinating routine tasks. Things like taking out the trash and activating my new check card shouldn’t weigh heavy on my mind for days on end when they can easily be accomplished in under ten minutes. However, think of how much more rewarding it is when you actually do the dishes that have been in your sink for five days or put away the laundry you did last week? It’s so much better when you wait, stress out about irresponsible you are, finally do said chore and then congratulate yourself on your awesomeness with an extra large glass of vino. It’s how errands are done, yo!

Happy Holidays!

Happy Holidays!

It’s the most wonderfully annoying time of the year when Facespace updates are filled with pictures of Santa babies, your Christmas tree that no one gives a shit about and cookies you baked that I will not eat!  Behold the Top Five Most Annoying Things about the Holidays!

1-Holiday parties at the office!  On Wednesday I have four (4) separate and distinct Christmas “parties” to attend for Steal Your Soul, Inc.  Please note, these are not optional as I skipped them all last year and was warned to “never do that again”.  My bad, I was busy taking a three hour lunch while the rest of the idiots here were engaging in awkward Christmas chit chat.  Anywhoos, people here go absolutely bananas for Christmas office festivities as they are all fucking losers with no life.  I will never forget the zany antics from a few years ago when Annoying Coworker #45 almost flipped her shit at the Dirty Santa Gift Exchange!  She wanted that bottle of wine and gosh darn it, she got it! We still talk about it to this day!   

2-Facespace in general.  Christmas time on Facespace takes the annoying and cranks it up to a level that is almost unfathomable.  Not only do I have to see your baby, I have to see your baby with Santa.  And your baby in the snow. And your baby opening gifts it doesn’t need.  Add in the pictures of your Christmas Tree no one cares about with a dash of “baking cookies for Santa” status updates and here’s me seriously debating deleting my account all together as my blood pressure is already dangerously high from the inordinate amount of drinking and smoking I do. 

3-Buying presents. I hate buying presents.  Not because I don’t like giving people awesome things, but because I stress out and wonder if the present I think is radsauce will be regarded by the receiver as the dumbest fucking thing they’ve ever gotten and why do they hang out with me in the first place and maybe we should revaluate our relationship immediately because there is no way in hell I want to associate with someone who thinks (fill in the blank) is an appropriate gift for anyone to receive ever. 

4-Spending time with family. Praise the Baby Jesus, this really doesn’t apply to me, but I have to hear all of you bitch about your Very Merry Passive Aggressive Christmas and to that I say, “I’m sorry your family sucks so hard and your mom is thinking about leaving your dad and your sister is pregnant (again) and due on your birthday which will no longer be your birthday but the baby’s birthday and the dog needs to have its leg removed and will be a tripod”.  Meep motherfucking meep.

5-Christmas ads.  Normally I don’t really have to see these as I don’t watch much television because I’m busy living my life, but the other day I caught this little gem and immediately wanted to murder everyone.  I can’t believe this is a real ad that someone thought of, made and then said, “Oh fuck yes, this is some good shit.  This is a game changer.”.”  Shoot. Me. Now.

Cafe Darkness Likes This

I have been remiss in updating this jim jam, and for that I am deeply sorry. It’s just that I’ve been super busy holidaysing and just being all around awesome.  It will never happen again.  Anywhoos, behold the top five things I totally heart right this very second!

1-The Walking Dead. I mean fucking duh. Who isn’t into a zombie morality tale? I has a major sad that the last episode is on Sunday. What am I going to do without my Sunday night zombie nightmares?  My most recent zombimare entailed zombies overtaking my favorite sandwich place and I was all, “Oh god damn it! I really wanted a turkey sub! Shit!” Then they killed an old guy and I was all, “Gross”.

2-My Holiday Schedule.  One of the silver linings to being poor like whoa is that you don’t take any vacation time throughout the year because you can’t afford to go anywhere!  Thus, the end of the year is a free for all extravaganza of days off.  I am so stoked to not come to Steal Your Soul, Inc for the majority of the year I could do a jig of excitement.

3-The new Girl Talk album. Again, totally not new news, but it’s been a minute since I updated this and hi, it’s awesomesauce. Haters can hate all day if they want, but I’ll just tell them to suck a d. It’s amazing and I love it.

4-My neighbors!  I love coming home to a notice from my landlord saying they complained about my dogs barking.  Hey assholes, how about you live in the 99% of apartments in the city that don’t allow dogs if you’re going to be a dick about dogs barking. Hi. They’re dogs. They bark. That’s kinda they’re thing. So here’s what I suggest:  why don’t y’all kiss my motherfucking ass and enjoy the melodious sounds of them barking all god damn day because now I don’t even shush them. Yay!  You are really dumb, for real.

5-Speaking of Antoine Dodson, I discovered this little ditty yesterday and about threw a clot of happiness. You can totes have Antoine call you and leave you a message. I love this! I love everything about this. Merry Christmas! Happy birthday! He lives!

I Like This

It recently was brought to my attention that I’ve been talking about things I don’t like versus things I like and could I maybe do that for a change?  Even though that goes against every fiber of my being, I’ll go ahead and throw y’all a bone. Behold my Top Five Things TLW likes right now!

1-Liking things on Facespace.  Nothing makes me happier more than “liking” when one of my friends posts something like “SO SICK OF THIS COLD!” (like) or “I HATE MONDAYS!” (like) or “PREGNANT AND DON’T KNOW WHO THE BABY DADDY BE!” (extra like).  I’ve even gone so far as to actually express this aloud when a friend announces bad news.  I.e. Friend: “I’m so broke”, Me: “TLW likes this.”.  God, I’m such a bitch. Why does anyone want to be my friend? 

2-This song.  Listen and enjoy. If you don’t like it, you’re really dumb, for real. I can (and do!) listen to it on repeat numerous times a day.  Suck it. 

 

3-My Halloween costume.  It’s going to incite major LOLs and I can’t wait. It’s gonna be the tits! If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll see me stumbling around RVA in it in a few weeks.

4-Bad Girls Club.  If you don’t think this show is the funniest thing on TV, then I feel really, really bad for.  Check it:

5-My ex husband’s fat new girlfriend. To be honest, she’s not “new” as I’m pretty sure they were banging when we were still married, but they did break up and get back together and now they’re Facespace official!  Yay!  Good for you, poppet!  I hope y’all enjoy getting zany in Downtown Short Pump together. So many white people! JUST LIKE YOU!

Judge Judy

Love her

In case y’all didn’t notice, I have opinions on things most people don’t care about like how Bed and Breakfasts and old guys wearing bow ties are creepy.  Last week over lots some of vino, Barista and I narrowed down the top five things I judge hard. Behold!

1-Republicans-This is pretty self explanatory, but I honestly don’t *get* how anyone is a Republican. For serious.  Ew. They’re so judgy and racist and caring about my life when I don’t care about their life. I would respect them more if they just admitted they don’t like brown people. Or gay people. Or anyone who isn’t exactly like them.  Gross. I’m going to go puke now.    

2-Suburbs-I think suburbs are weird. I think people who enjoy living suburbs are even weirder. Would I like my own washing machine? Word to your mother. Would I want to live in a former cow pasture with no trees and bunch of other people just like me? No thanks. 

3-SUVs-I’m sensing a theme here.  Like Republicans and suburbs, SUVs are abhorrent and against my sensibilities as someone who is trying to not murder the environment.  How in the world did people get around before these vehicles existed?!  I mean, it’s totally necessary to drive a Suburban to the grocery store by yourself whilst you chat on your cell phone and almost run me over.  Shopping for a family is hard!

4-Labels-I think it’s nasty when people are so excited about their things and who made their things they feel the need to broadcast it to the public. My eyes didn’t ask to see you have Chanel sunglasses or that you dropped a ton of cheddar on your purse you won’t use after a few months. There are people starving and you are so proud of yourself and your consumerism.  You disgust me. Goodbye. 

5-Parents-Now before everyone who has pushed a child out of their vag or knocked up a woman up who subsequently pushed a baby out of her vag, I don’t mean all parents.  Rumor has it some of you aren’t annoying.  Who I’m talking about are the men and women who reproduce and then are incapable of talking about or thinking about anything besides their children. I get it. Kids are rad. (For you, not me. I like naps and free time.) Here’s a PSA to the Breeders of America, not everyone gives a shit about your kid. Please stop torturing your childless coworkers, friends and family about your “crazy” parenting stories. Crazy is boozing until two AM on a Sunday and making it to work on time with no hangover. (Go me!)

The Week in Review August 1st-8th

Crazysauce

What’s the haps, RVA? There was a lot going on in our fair city this week.  Let’s take a looksie, shall we?

1-Prop 8 was overturned in California, but Richmond decided to up the ante when a local American Family denied a family membership to a lesbian couple.  GayRVA reported the couple was told the company uses Virignia’s definition of what constitutes a family which is between a man and a woman.  I mean, because, you know, if  we let same-sex couples marry, what’s next?  People owning monkeys and treating them like children and calling them monkids?  Because yes, that is a thing. 

2-The seemingly endless summer heat continued this week setting a record for the most number of 100 degree days.  In a bold move Ken Cuccinelli made the question, “Is it hot enough out there for you?” illegal, officially making it the one thing he’s done in office that this RVA resident can actually get behind.

3-Speaking of The Cooch, he continued his Reign of Terror when he issued an opinion stating police officers are within their rights to question the immigration status of anyone for any reason.  He won in a landslide folks. In. A. Landslide.  

4-Suburbanites made their semi-annual trip to the big city for Carytown’s Watermelon Festival. Aside from the Grand Illumination these strange creatures can normally be found in Downtown Short Pump sitting in traffic on a Sunday afternoon.  Every Museum District resident knows better than to leave their house lest they be caught in traffic caused by scared and confused SUV drivers.  Thankfully the second worst hangover of the summer made that easy for me to follow.  

5-It’s been scientifically proven that the dumbest people in Richmond comment on Richmond Times Dispatch articles.  It took approximately point two seconds before the brilliant connection was made between a drunk a driver who hit and killed a local nun last weekend and his immigration status.  You know, because ethnicity is definitely the leading cause of drinking and driving. Duh.  

There you have it, ladies and germs. Now excuse me while I go back to watching mindless reality television in an attempt to forget how crazy most of you are and all of the shots I took yesterday.

I’ve Got Opinions, Y’all!

Dear God No

I’ve recently discovered something interesting about myself. Apparently I have opinions on subjects that no one else does.  I’ve also never done things that most people have done (and no, I’m NOT talking about bukkake, you disgusting freak shows) for a good part of their lives. I’m just a mystery, enshrouded in a riddle, covered in an enigma, y’all!
 
1-I have never operated a lawnmower. Ever. I don’t even know how to start one. I would like to keep it this way from now to forever.
 
2-Most people paint their apartment or house when they move in. Not this girl.  I have not once even looked at a paint sample, let alone physically painted a room.  I suppose it’s because I can’t be so bothered and don’t really give a rip what color my walls are.  
 
3-I hate bed and breakfasts. I think they’re creepy and weird. I guess the general consensus is that they’re “charming” and “intimate”. Now, I’ve never actually been to a bed and breakfast but I’m picturing it to be the most awkward experience of my entire life. I imagine having to eat breakfast around a very large circular wooden table in someone’s kitchen, eating their nasty food and having to make chit chat about the weather. Kind of like morning office talk except I’m actually in their home, which is weird. I also imagine it something like the Walton’s (g’night John Boy!) where we all have to go to bed at the same time. Gross. No thank you. I’ll just stay at the airport Holiday Inn, thank you very much.
 
4-Certain words really weird me out. When I hear them I have an instant reaction. A few of these words are: yellow, sprout, pillow, moist and panties. It was hard for me to even type those words. Excuse me while I go get sick all over my freshly cleaned bathroom. Sickos.
 
5-I would rather have my toe nails removed with a rusty pair of pliers than go to a Baby’s R Us (!).  I went to one once to buy a baby shower gift and stood there scared and unable to comprehend what in the hell was happening.  For those of you lucky enough to never have gone to one, let me break it down for you. You go in, print off the registry and select whatever gift that has yet to be purchased. If you’re like me, you’re more than likely doing this the day of the shower, so it’s slim pickins. Side note: how come men never have to attend showers? Jesus Christ, they’re awful.  Anywhoos, so you see your friend registered for a Baby Romper Bumpee Bopper of which you have no clue what the fuck a Baby Romper Bumpee Bopper is so it’s not you can just go to the Baby Romper Bumpee Bopper aisle.  Oh no. Not only do have to know what a Baby Romper Bumpee Bopper is, you have to know for what age it’s appropriate because that’s how they organize their store. Fun! So you start in the infant section and work your way through to the 30 and living in their parent’s basement section just praying you find this god damn item. Now you could ask someone to help you, but these employees do not exist in Baby’s R Us. It’s a free for all and they assume that you have a vagina then you’re motherly instinct will kick in and lead you like a magical unicorn to the Baby Romper Bumpee Bopper.  But, if you’re like me, it won’t and you’ll stand in the middle of the store after wandering around aimlessly for an hour.  Finally you’ll say “fuck this shit” (loudly) and leave. Pro tip: you can buy any baby shower gift at Kroger. All babies are pooping and peeing machines and they sell diapers everywhere.  You’re welcome!

A Gentlelady’s Guide to Strawberry Hill

You won't actually see any of this

Strawberry Hill is this Saturday and white people from across the region flock to Colonial Downs to binge drink under the guise of a horse race.  It’s really great fun.  You will see all types of white people there from the bluest of the blue blood rich white person to the biggest East End Redneck drinking beer out of a hat with no shirt on white person.  You’ll even spot a fledging hipster or two, there solely for the irony of course.  As such, a gentlelady such as myself must be sufficiently prepared ahead of time to deal with the ridiculousness of this event.  For the fellas, I recommend checking out Jack’s advice here.  For those with a v instead of a p, behold my top five tips to make it through Strawberry Hill in one piece!

1-Dress to Impress!  It’s time to break out your spring fineries.  Don’t dress to the lame ass theme, because that’s retarded. Show off your assets. If you can’t hookup at Strawberry Hill, then you might as well give up on a life. It’s one giant orgy. Also, for the sake of everyone else’s sanity, wear comfortable, yet sassy shoes. Hard to pull off I know, but no one wants to hear you bitch and complain about how much your feet hurt all god damn day.

2-Wear sunscreen! There’s nary a shady area there and you’ll burn to a crisp by one in the afternoon if you don’t have the forethought to lather up properly before leaving your crib.  As sexy as raccoon eyes and skin cancer look on TV, put on some gd sunscreen. You’re white! Hello! 

3-Pace yourself! Unless you want to be carted off by EMTs at noon (seen this) or end up left behind because you wandered away from your group (also seen this) keep your SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS to a minimum.  Don’t drink too slowly, however, as you will become sleepy and lame. It’s important to find the right balance between slowing your roll and having another red bull and vodka.

4-Charge your Billy Mays!  Shenanigans and antics will occur as the afternoon progresses. People from your group will roam and wander away and you may find yourself halfway across the track and unable to remember your plot number (been there).  Communication via cell phone or carrier pigeon is a necessity lest you be left in New Kent and forced to catch a ride back to the city with a bunch of randoms in the back of their van (hi, I’m a pro. Of course I’ve seen this).

5-Put your “strolling” cocktails in a container with a lid. Think sippy cups for adults.  Do you want to spill a freshly made Bloody Marry down your sundress before you’ve even made it around the first turn? (again, I’ve been there)  Do you want to trip and fall and have your brewskie go flying all over the back of your bestie’s dress? (of course I’ve done this!) No, you don’t.

Remember you’re going to be hammertimed, so do your best to plan ahead of time to prevent rookie mistakes.  Follow my sage advice and you’ll be making out in front a group of strangers in no time. Money back, guaranteed!

Top 5 Ways to Endure Boring Meetings

1.  Sit next to your bestie/work BFF/mortal enemy.  When asked to share copies of the meeting agenda or presentation, pull your chair uncomfortably close to the other person.  Drape an arm around the back of the other person’s chair.  Your bestie will laugh, your work BFF will blush and your mortal enemy will disrupt the entire meeting by shoving you. 

2.  Ask intelligent questions.  Then write down whatever is in your head.  I like to jot down congratulatory notes to myself for holding in a fart for three hours.  You will appear to be engaged and organized.

3.  Keep tally of the number of times the visiting vendor hugs and kisses the cheek of a naive coworker. 

4.  If you’re fortunate enough to be in a meeting with TLW, keep tally of the number of times you see her dying to yell “That’s what she said!” whenever someone mentions further penetration.

5.  Invent acronyms and comment on them.  Try not to laugh as people nod in agreement that we need to get our ATN up to par with other books of business.  No one wants to be the first to admit to having no clue what is being discussed.  This is also a great way to confirm that no one pays any attention during boring meetings.  Feel free to carry on drawing amoebas and trying to list all the state Capitols.

Worst Weekend Ever?

This is why I can't have nice things

I’ve had better weekends. The time I accidentally visited Guantanamo Bay and got water boarded for 48 hours straight comes to mind. That was slightly better. Check it:

1-Mercury is retrograde like whoa. For those of you who do not follow the ways of the Universe this means one thing and one thing only: shit’s fucked up.  Mercury acts the most bananas in the beginning and end and it happens to end tomorrow. (Thank you!) As such, that wacky planet wreaked havoc over my life last weekend.  GO DIRECT ALREADY! JESUS!

2-Broken Things. Over the course of two days the following things I love broke: the speakers to my iPod, Billy Mays and my coffee pot. All three things play an integral role in me not sticking my head in an oven and calling it a day, so yeah, I’m pretty pissed. 

3-Billy Mays’ cover smashing into a million little pieces is a big enough deal to get his own mention. Not long ago I was out and a guy commented that I was insane to not have a cover on Billy. He had dropped his Billy and cracked the screen like crazy.  I told him I was free ballin’ and don’t worry about what I’m doing, live your own life. Well as luck would have it on Saturday I find myself standing outside of 7-11 waiting for a friend when I inexplicably and suddenly lose the ability to hold on to Billy and he falls to the concrete, smashing himself. I can’t talk about it anymore right now.  Moving on.

4-Mother’s Day.  I don’t like most holidays. I particularly don’t care for holidays that I think are completely arbitrary and an excuse from Hallmark to drum up business such as Valentine’s Day, Christmas and Easter (ha!), Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.

5-Starting tomorrow I have meetings all day Tuesday and Wednesday. I have a visceral reaction to meetings, particularly meetings I couldn’t give a crap about. I predict that by 11:30 tomorrow morning I will have wild eyes and be on the brink of losing it completely. I EVEN HAVE TO EAT LUNCH WITH THEM.  Ah! Let me be! I hate having to spend time with people I can’t stand and making awkward chit-chat about the weather. Shoot me.

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