Well folks, the CD has another nominee for Café Darkness Man of the Year. If you recall previous nominees include Delegate Harvey B. Morgan, the 79-year-old Republican Delegate from Gloucester County who proposed a measure decriminalizing marijuana when deemed medically effective. Our second nomination went to the uppity Subway employee who put Mr. B in his place when he coped a ‘tude ordering that nasty tuna sub. Proper sandwich ordering is art form lost of many. Ahem.
Our third and newest nominee for Man of the Year is another legislator. God I love politicians with their egos and God-complexes and inability to get away with affairs! Ladies and gentlemen may I present to you Virginia State Senator Emmett Hanger, a Republican from Mount Solon?!?! Ah, what’s that? Who’s Emmett Hanger? Where’s Mount Solon? Well I don’t know the answer to the second question but to answer to your first this guy right here sponsored the measure allowing guns to be brought into restaurants and bars. I mean! He doesn’t give a fuck! The bill passed in both houses and will surely be signed into law by Governor Bill McDonnell. Unless he’s too busy making children cry, but I digress. Ba-da-bing! I’ll be here all week!
Anywhoos, what makes Emmett Hanger up for the running is not solely because he proposed legislation that is clearly the most ridiculous law I can think of, but the brilliant oratory he used to convince fellow legislators to pass the measure. Apparently Mr. Hanger is concerned for the ladies. And who isn’t, honestly? He’s concerned about women who carry guns in their purses to defend themselves when going out to-wait for it-Red Lobster. Oh. My. God. You are a motherfucking badass. I’m not sure what Red Lobster Emmett Hanger’s female constituents are patronizing but I for one could not agree more. Clearly we need to all pack heat at The Lobster. It’s brilliant, really. Now if I ever find myself eating at a Red Lobster I can simply reach into my handbag and blow my god damn brains out. Thanks, Mr. Hanger for making that possible. Cheers and pass those cheddar biscuits!