Archive for the ‘yes!’ Category

My Jeans!

Recently Steal Your Soul broke bad and introduced “Jeans Friday” which is a really dorky white guy term for “Casual Friday”.  You guys!  It’s 1994! We’re so progressive over here!  Anyways, we were presented with the exciting news via an e-mail reminding us that yes; we can wear jeans but remember Steal Your Soul is a professional environment and keep that in mind when selecting your outfit.  Sad when I read that because that meant my ripped jeggings were “out”.  Anyways, when I first received this e-mail I thought there was not a chance in hell that A number 1-I wanted to see any of my coworkers in jeans or B number 2-have any of my coworkers peep me in my jeans.

I was off last Friday and luckily escaped “Jeans Friday” but was warned via text that I would need to wear jeans “or else”.  I inquired about this dire warning on Monday and was told that basically I would be totally and completely ‘effed’ if I didn’t participate.  Do I say “fuck you” and don my normal attire (bringing it back to basics) or do I ‘give in’ and putting on a pair of god damn jeans in August?  Because I am weak in mind, body and soul, I am currently wearing jeans.  However, my manager said I was totally ‘crushing’ my 1950’s look so I guess I’ll take that as a compliment whilst I pop my ‘ludes and make martinis.  But I digress.  What about everyone else’s jeans?

1-Cougar Jeans.  I had no idea so many Cougars worked here but I know several people (hey!) who wished they could check out these divorcees in their jeans, stiletto boots (in the summer? Sure! They are slaves to fashion!) and low cut sweaters.  I can practically envision these jeans draping themselves all over the fetuses at Kona Grill later. Looking good, y’all! Looks like your lunch time yoga is paying off. Downward dog for life!

2-Mom Jeans. Now this I was expecting.  I’m already envisioning these jeans cheering loudly for their kid’s soccer game tomorrow and then maybe swinging by Friendly’s for a sweet treat afterward.  Sure, you’re watching your “points” but go for it! Heck, it is Saturday after all!

3-IT Jeans.  You have a job in Information Technology.  You went to a “technical institute” and have no time for things like clothes, women and moving out of your parent’s basement.  Your jeans are light in color with a relatively loose fit.  These jeans are quite accustomed to having a cell phone attached to them.  Heart these bros who clearly do not give one half a fuck about what they look like.  Form over function? Nah, go fuck yourself, busy coding on the ones and zeroes.

So there you have it! An entire post about jeans!  I think I’m ‘back’ now so yay! Have a terrible weekend, you guys!

Happy 2nd Birthday Cafe Darkness

Dear Cafe Darkness,

You are the only fruit of my soiled loins and upon this, your second birthday, I vow the following:

I will pick you up and spend an hour or so with you once every other week, as the courts have recommended I do. 

I will not give one half a fuck if my coworkers discover you, my beloved bastard.

I will never use your adorableness to get a free drink at Bar Louie.  I will use your charm to get free drinks anywhere else I can.

I will never, ever, ever take you to Mechanicsville.  I fear that’s where all the people with broken dreams and nice houses live.  Terrible influences on a young mind.

I will try to remember to pay child support.  Your other Mom, TLW, still is trying to shake me down since I let your domain name expire last year.  She’s crazy as a rabid lone wolf and also, she bites.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

For piss sake, stop crying.  I won’t ignore you for another year.  I promise.

Love,

Barista

Bring It Back To Basics!

Baby beer!

My manager told me I dress too much like a hobo last week and suggested I, “bring it back to basics” when it comes to my way of dress in the workplace. I’m not sure exactly what that means, but I dig it. I dig it a lot.  As a matter of fact I like it so much Imma go ahead and declare 2011 as the Year of Bringing It Back to Basics!

For example: Are you low on cash but still want to go out and get zany?  Bring it back to basics by smuggling in a flask filled with your favorite booze.  Annoyed with too many babies on Facespace?  No problem. Bring it back to basics and start posting pictures of your fake babies out at various bars around town in hopes moms of the internet get the hint. (They won’t, but it’s fun regardless).  Has your check engine light been on for the past two months and your car smells like burning?  No problem! Bring it back to basics and simply ignore the fuck out of that check engine light.  Spend money on car repairs? LOL! No thank you! 

 

You can see that bringing it back to basics is 1-rad and 2-basically means not giving a rip about most things, which works with my general disposition and outlook on life.  Give it a try and see if you find yourself checking your mail monthly and taking out your recycling only when the number of wine bottles lined up on the kitchen floor starts to resemble a small army of awesome!  Your outlook on life will thank you. You’re welcome in advance.

Happy New Year!

 

Happy New Year!

‘Tis the season for New Year Resolutions and here at Café Darkness, I also have made a list of resolutions.  However, as opposed to all the morons who will infiltrate the gym for two weeks before going back to their lives of gluttony and sloth, I have zero intention of keeping any of these resolutions. Let’s think of them as more like anti-resolutions!

1-Quit Smoking. No thank you!  If the Mayans are right (and I think they are!), I have less than two years of smoking like a lady left before we’ll all donezo.  If and when we make it to 2013, I’ll strongly consider not quitting smoking once again.

2-Check my mail more than once a month.  I know this would please my local USPS worker dearly as they love to leave me notes asking me to please check my mail and even go as so far as leaving it in front of my apartment. (Still don’t care, I’ll just step over it).  However, I will not do this. As much as I love getting bills and credit card offers on the regs, I will have to decline this invitation. 

3-Go out less.  In theory, this is a solid resolution, but let’s get real. Why set the bar (pun intended!) impossibly high?  That’s like a meth addicted prostitute off Jeff Davis saying she won’t give any more awkward handies and is going to enroll in Community College to become a paralegal and turn her life around. Ain’t happenin’ folks. Next!

4-Like babies more. Lol. No.

5-Stop procrastinating routine tasks. Things like taking out the trash and activating my new check card shouldn’t weigh heavy on my mind for days on end when they can easily be accomplished in under ten minutes. However, think of how much more rewarding it is when you actually do the dishes that have been in your sink for five days or put away the laundry you did last week? It’s so much better when you wait, stress out about irresponsible you are, finally do said chore and then congratulate yourself on your awesomeness with an extra large glass of vino. It’s how errands are done, yo!

A Christmas Miracle!

The way we were

Last night I decided to celebrate the upcoming birth of your Lord and Savior by getting mad zany with a couple of equally crazy bitches who enjoy drinking and all around bitchery just as much as yours truly.  After several vats of wine a fella approaches us and asks if could be so honored to buy us a shot (in honor of the Baby Jesus), to which we replied, “Fucking duh”.  Now the problem with accepting any form of alcohol from someone with a penis is that you’re then expected to talk to them afterward.  Café Darkness does not like this and fortunately for me, I was not the one stuck having to make conversation (yay!) and continued being awesome while my friend fell victim to his rambling. However, being the good friend I am, I promptly responded to the third jab to my leg (which in girl speak means stop fucking ignoring the fact I’m getting ear raped by this douche bag and help me) and saved her straight away.  That’s when a Christmas miracle happened and the most awesome exchange of 2010 occurred.

Me to Friend Who Needed Saving:  I can’t believe Kelly is going to be at the Christmas party later.

Friend (Not knowing WTF I was talking about but knowing to just roll with it): I know, right? Whatta bitch.

Me: I can’t stand her. Even though it was years ago I can’t stand the fact she hooked up with Dylan in the pool when I was studying abroad in Paris for the summer!

Him: What happened? Who hooked up? What?

Me: That bitch Kelly hooked up with MY boyfriend in a pool when I was in Paris. She was my best friend but now I hate her!

Him: Oh my god, how long ago did this happen?

Me: High school, but still, I lost my virginity to him at prom! It was kinda a big deal.

Him: Oh my god, that is terrible!

Me: I know, right? I was so upset about it I ended up not going to same college as everyone else for a semester but then was so lonely I transferred back but then eventually left the show because I was too much of a bitch in real life to tolerate.

Friend (Who is about to lose her shit):  Donna Martin graduates?

Me: Barely. But yes.

Him (Who is clearly the dumbest and drunkest person in Richmond): God man, that really sucks. I’m sorry to hear that.

Me: Then my parents moved to Japan and everyone randomly continued living in my old house which always confused me. Anyways, you ready to go to this party?

Friend: Yes.

Him: Ok, I’ll let you ladies go ahead and go to your party, but I feel for you. Breakups are hard. Even from high school.

Cafe Darkness Likes This

I have been remiss in updating this jim jam, and for that I am deeply sorry. It’s just that I’ve been super busy holidaysing and just being all around awesome.  It will never happen again.  Anywhoos, behold the top five things I totally heart right this very second!

1-The Walking Dead. I mean fucking duh. Who isn’t into a zombie morality tale? I has a major sad that the last episode is on Sunday. What am I going to do without my Sunday night zombie nightmares?  My most recent zombimare entailed zombies overtaking my favorite sandwich place and I was all, “Oh god damn it! I really wanted a turkey sub! Shit!” Then they killed an old guy and I was all, “Gross”.

2-My Holiday Schedule.  One of the silver linings to being poor like whoa is that you don’t take any vacation time throughout the year because you can’t afford to go anywhere!  Thus, the end of the year is a free for all extravaganza of days off.  I am so stoked to not come to Steal Your Soul, Inc for the majority of the year I could do a jig of excitement.

3-The new Girl Talk album. Again, totally not new news, but it’s been a minute since I updated this and hi, it’s awesomesauce. Haters can hate all day if they want, but I’ll just tell them to suck a d. It’s amazing and I love it.

4-My neighbors!  I love coming home to a notice from my landlord saying they complained about my dogs barking.  Hey assholes, how about you live in the 99% of apartments in the city that don’t allow dogs if you’re going to be a dick about dogs barking. Hi. They’re dogs. They bark. That’s kinda they’re thing. So here’s what I suggest:  why don’t y’all kiss my motherfucking ass and enjoy the melodious sounds of them barking all god damn day because now I don’t even shush them. Yay!  You are really dumb, for real.

5-Speaking of Antoine Dodson, I discovered this little ditty yesterday and about threw a clot of happiness. You can totes have Antoine call you and leave you a message. I love this! I love everything about this. Merry Christmas! Happy birthday! He lives!

I Like This

It recently was brought to my attention that I’ve been talking about things I don’t like versus things I like and could I maybe do that for a change?  Even though that goes against every fiber of my being, I’ll go ahead and throw y’all a bone. Behold my Top Five Things TLW likes right now!

1-Liking things on Facespace.  Nothing makes me happier more than “liking” when one of my friends posts something like “SO SICK OF THIS COLD!” (like) or “I HATE MONDAYS!” (like) or “PREGNANT AND DON’T KNOW WHO THE BABY DADDY BE!” (extra like).  I’ve even gone so far as to actually express this aloud when a friend announces bad news.  I.e. Friend: “I’m so broke”, Me: “TLW likes this.”.  God, I’m such a bitch. Why does anyone want to be my friend? 

2-This song.  Listen and enjoy. If you don’t like it, you’re really dumb, for real. I can (and do!) listen to it on repeat numerous times a day.  Suck it. 

 

3-My Halloween costume.  It’s going to incite major LOLs and I can’t wait. It’s gonna be the tits! If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll see me stumbling around RVA in it in a few weeks.

4-Bad Girls Club.  If you don’t think this show is the funniest thing on TV, then I feel really, really bad for.  Check it:

5-My ex husband’s fat new girlfriend. To be honest, she’s not “new” as I’m pretty sure they were banging when we were still married, but they did break up and get back together and now they’re Facespace official!  Yay!  Good for you, poppet!  I hope y’all enjoy getting zany in Downtown Short Pump together. So many white people! JUST LIKE YOU!

Now you know

How YOU doin?!

It’s been a minute since I gave y’all a TSaur update and I’m sure you’re chomping at the bit to know what the haps is.  It’s fall and that means one thing and one thing only: it’s time to break out the twelve piece suits that smell like they haven’t been cleaned since the Carter administration. YAY! He wore his first twelve-piecer a week ago and I could smell him before he even got to his desk. The stench was menacing and raped my olfactory senses as I had forgotten how much more powerful his “winter smell” is versus that of summer. 

On a posi note, I may talk mad shit about T, but I’ll give props where props are due. Last Tuesday I decided to party like it was 1999 and called in sick to work on Wednesday. (Duh).  Of course I took Wednesday as an opportunity to get my day drank on and where did I end up at five pm but the local watering hole right near T’s apt.  I went outside for a quick smoke with this guy and who do I see but T all duded up in his running clothes! (Read: stained white undershirt, basketball shorts and high top Red Iverson’s).  Immediately I’m all “oh snap” since I was clearly in the cups and not sick even a little unless you consider getting awesome during a work day “sick”. I decided to kill him with kindness and actually talk to him.  Luckily he didn’t bust my cover and even complimented my “mental health day”.  Word! He may stink to high heaven and have the hair of the Fonz, but he’s not a 100% detestable.

In an unrelated T note, can I just say how many badass bands have been in and around the RVA as of late that I’ve had the opportunity to get drunk and dance to? Granted, Free Fest last weekend was in Baltimore, but that’s totally drivable.  What’s happening Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes, Yeasayer, Chromeo, Sleigh Bells and MIA?! Sleigh Bells and LCD Sounsystem again in Charlottesville this weekend? Ok! Gorillaz in Northern Virginia in mid-October? Pretty Lights in November?  Don’t mind if I do.  Sign me up, bitches! If you need me, I’ll be hollering loudly at a music venue near you!

It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!

Oh, Richmond in late September, you are a sexy bitch!  This is my favorite time of the year, but it’s not because of the weather. It’s because this is the time of year when I think back and wistfully remember splitting up with my ex husband!  Yes, folks. Two years ago this gal was a married lady living in a house with a washer/dryer and backyard and was getting jazzed about the Heroes season premiere!  LOL.  I’ll never forget my ex coming home from a brief jaunt to LA and us splitting up right then and there. I like my breakups like I like my sexy times: painfully quick and without much fanfare.  When I think back to TLW two years ago (who wasn’t even TLW but more of just an empty shell of a gal) I get happy thinking how rad I am now compared to then.  Let’s compare then and now:

A typical Friday night:

Then: Drinking some red wine outside and in bed by 11. You’ve got a marathon to train for!

Now: Who cares?  I’m too busy getting awesome.

For dinner:

Then: Let’s get fancy and actually prepare food that isn’t macaroni and cheese and/or peanut butter straight from the jar. It’s called “cooking”, look it up. 

Now: Dinner is overrated.

On chores:

Then: Cleanliness is next to godliness thus why Saturday morning is a great time to get your weekly clean on!

Now: I give myself props checking my mail once every two weeks. 

On politics:

Then: Conservative people are gross.

Now: Same.

So you see, poppets, getting the big D isn’t all bad. It makes you prioritize your life and realize what’s important and that’s clearly not waking up early on a Saturday morning to clean your god damn house just because you think you should. You also shouldn’t get married when you’re 25 just because all your friends are doing it.  Lesson learned!

Follow me, poppets!

Hey, guys!

It makes me sad to think some of y’all don’t read my Twitters. It makes me even sadder when people on the Twitters don’t read the CD. Why wouldn’t you read both? This is free self-deprecating comedic gold! Feel better about your life choices and read both!  Duh! For those of you who don’t read the Twitters, let me showcase some of more recent favorites in a 140 characters or less:

Fall is officially here! Spotted my first hipster in a hoodie. To celebrate I just judged everyone’s taste in music. Everything sounds better on vinyl.

 

Facespace taught me 1 thing: it’s if you accidentally ingest rat poison and need to vomit immediately read the comments under any baby pic.  Seriously. It worked for me last night. Fact: Not every person is cute; ergo not every baby is cute. Just sayin’.

 

UVA is the worst. So glad I wasn’t smart enough to come here. It’s like DTSP on aids. There are so many privileged white people there I didn’t know what to do with myself last weekend!  Also, I suppose I should have said “with AIDS”, but I had been drinking for hours when I wrote that. Plus also, “on aids” just sounds funnier. It’s like, “Hi, you’re on aids”.

 

Missing! Large chunks of my night! If found, call me!  Blacking out. LOL.

 

Christ, can I get my period already? Just cried over a fucking Charlie St. Cloud preview. Fml.  PMS. LOL.

 

If Turbo Tax asked me if I was married w/ kids one more time I would have sworn it was Christmas and I was drunk and crying in the corner.  Classic!

 

You say potato, I say ALEJANDROI’m not sure when I’ll stop Tweeting about Alejandro, but if I had to guess, it won’t be anytime soon.

 

Wish I were a baby so people would tell me how cute I am even when I was covered in drool.  Can moms get their own Facespace please where all they do is comment on each others pictures? It would make me SO much happier.  I learned the hard way to never comment or like any baby picture on Facespace lest you be inundated with a million emails from every single woman who has pushed a baby out of herself who is compelled by the power of Christ to also comment on “how precious!!!!” said picture is.  Dislike.

 

Hey, OnDemand! The “very best of Kings of Leon” is an oxymoron. Like jumbo shrimp. Or sexy Republican. The only Kings of Leon concert I wish I ever attended was the one when the bird shit all over them. Uh. They suck so hard. Go away.    

 

In case you were wondering, yes, you do look as dumb as you feel in that group fitness class. FACE!

 

Your six-year-old is on an anti-depressant. Oh. What is a six-year-old depressed about? Dora the Explorer being a re-run? GrossParenting in 2010: If your child is sad, mad, happy or sleepy put ‘em on Zoloft!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.