New Year’s Resolutions

LOL

Some people make ridiculously outlandish New Year’s Resolutions that are impossible to keep. Conversely, some people are already so awesome that finding an appropriate New Year’s Resolution proves difficult. Take me for example.  What could I possibly change about myself?  (No comments from the peanut gallery on that one, please.) 

Last year’s resolutions included: not going to Down Town Short Pump, not making out with boys that I would regret in the morning, not making out with bald guys EVER and (trying to) not make out with strangers in bars.  I have mastered each of those with varying degrees of success and it is time to move on. It’s a new decade, y’all! Below are my Top Five New Year’s Resolutions for 2010. 

Become a better curser.  My mother can turn a phrase that would make a sailor blush.  I am a fairly decent curser but I want to be the best curser I can be!  I want to be able to string a mouthful of obscenities together better than anyone else I know.  To accomplish this I need to hang out with my mom more-which is fine because that also involves vodka. Cheers!

Watch a Celebrity dancing show.  JK. I am so not going to do that.  I do need to watch American Idol though so I have something to talk about over coffee breaks at work. JK again.  I would never watch that crap. Side note: I love how high and mighty I am over my television watching considering I watch Real Housewives and The Hills like they’re my religion. So actually my resolution should be: Keep being the awesome hypocrite you already are! This should not be a problem and I expect a 100% success rate for this one. 

Throw a shower for myself for not getting married or having a baby.  Self explanatory. I’m thinking early to mid spring.  Be on the lookout for your invite! I will be registered at Chipotle, Total Wine and Priscilla’s. 

Remember that self tanner is your friend. I’m tired of looking at pictures of my pasty self in the winter months.  I want to look like I just returned from a tropical vacation paid for entirely by my uber wealthy Italian business magnate boyfriend, Rafael. 

Make my dream of a Richmond Badminton Association come to fruition. Think kickball with class.  Can you imagine a better way to spend a lovely Saturday afternoon than batting around a shuttlecock in your country club casual wear drinking greyhounds and eating crust less cucumber sandwiches? Right. I didn’t think so.

Cafe Darkness Holiday Quiz!

Que fantástico!

The Year of Best Practices is drawing to a close.  Year end is a great time to look back on the past twelve months and take stock to see what areas you have excelled in and where you need improvement for 2010.  Use the quiz below to see how far you have progressed this year!

1-You are invited to a company Christmas “pot luck” luncheon.  How do you respond?

a) You reply “will attend” post haste.  Any time the company arranges a get together for employees it is a good time.  Who doesn’t like hearing about near stranger’s holiday plans to visit Grandma in Iowa?  I mean!

b)  Apathetic indifference.  It will be a stain but you will attend in order to avoid getting the stink eye from co workers.

c)  Accept and then realize a week later that if your company can’t afford to provide food for you then you can’t either and promptly decline. Stop stealing my money!

2-The recent smoking ban has affected your life in the following ways:

 a)      With excitement!  Smelling other people’s cigarette smoke is not fair to others around them, why should I reek of smoke when I am trying to enjoy my meal, etc, etc, ad nauseam into infinity. 

b)      Even though you don’t necessarily agree with it you will abide by it. Plus also, think of the children.

c)      Total. Stain.  You immediately began searching for restaurants badass enough to flip the bird to Tim Kaine and are now a frequent patron of said establishments.

3-For some strange reason you stayed in on Saturday night waking up nice and refreshed early on Sunday morning.  What do you do with your day?

 a)      You use this time to do a thorough cleaning of your house, pay bills and visit elderly relatives at a nursing home.

b)      Watch a Law and Order marathon.

c)      A bit of fitness in the AM followed by mimosa brunch to congratulate yourself for your responsible behavior on Saturday night.

 4-You meet some friends for dinner with the intention of going home immediately afterwards.  You actually end of doing what?

a)      Go home after dinner. Duh. 

b)      Stay for one after dinner cocktail and then hit the road.

c)      Go to Babe’s where you shake what your mamma gave you and tell older ladies the ingredients in a Woo Woo.

5-These tough economic times have forced many people to cut expenses.  What is the one thing you will not cut out your budget?

a)      Contributing to your 401(k). Saving for retirement is crucial and most Americans are not saving enough. Do you have any idea how much health care costs will be once you retire?!

b)      Your daily trip to Starbucks. Life without an upside down venti triple mocha latte chai tea is not worth living!

c)      Your cocktail allowance.  Life without a glass of Pinot with the ladies is not worth living!

Bonus Question: What do the Holidays mean to you?

a)      A time to spend with family appreciating all of your blessings.

b)      A time to spend attending a couple of parties in your fancy new Christmas dress.

c)      A time to spend either in bed or at the bar.  Due to your company’s excessive furlough you have more time off than many college students.  Cheers!

The results:

Mostly A’s. Why do you read this blog?

Mostly B’s. You’re practically worse than Mostly A’s! You a have a strong inclination to being rad but are a total d bag instead.  Lame. 

Mostly C’s.  You are awesome. Don’t change a thing.

Getting Ready for the Holidays with Café Darkness

Don't let this happen to you

The holidays are a magical.  However, frenzied shopping, gluttony and heightened expectations can lead to stress and disappointment. We here at Café Darkness understand this and want to help make your holiday season the best it can be!  Below you will find our top five tips to beating the stress and enjoying the most wonderful time of the year. Besides summer. And the spring. Late fall, too.  The Holidays are definitely better than January and February though for sure.  Okay, moving on:

1-Be “that guy” at every holiday party. Get as completely hamboned as possible at each and every festivity you attend. You will make a name for yourself around town.  Bring back up booze if it appears that hostess was stupid enough to not stock enough.  Make a game out of it and dispense extra drinks to whom you deem necessary. Pro Tip: avoid giving away booze to designated drives and pregnant people. It will go to waste. Sad.

2-Do all of your shopping at Willow Lawn. Unless you’re asking for a death wish I highly advise avoiding Down Town Short Pump at all costs. It’s a cesspool.  Plus also, LOTS of white people.  Instead, keep it real and head on over to Willow Lawn. Sure there aren’t as many options to choose from there but who needs options when you have Ross Dress for Less, Dress Barn, K & G Fashion and the Dollar Store?  Afterwards treat yourself to a taco at either Qdoba or Chipotle. You’ve earned it!

3-Limit “family time”.  One of the stainiest parts of the Holidays is obligatory “family time”. Take a stand this year. Refuse to go to Uncle Billy’s Dirty Santa Gift Exchange. Tell the rest of the family you think he gets a bit handsy after too many eggnogs.  Brunch with Santa and all of the kids? Hayell to the no! Sleep in instead.  Inform your family that sleep is key to maintaining a fresh and youthful appearance and your New Year’s Resolution was to look your best at all times. 

 

4-Avoid all Christmas movies, specials and music.  Seriously, guys. They’re stupid-unless it’s Meade Skelton’s Christmas Special on December 20^th 2009 at the Tabernacle Baptist Church in which case it’s out of this world amazing. 

 

5-Live like a college kid.  Take off as much time as possible during the holidays and pretend you’re 21 again!  This means you will need to drink every single night and indulge in delicious, delicious pizza as much as possible. Also key: drugs.

What’s the weather like up there on your moral high horse?

Unpopular opinion alert (i.e. don’t hate me, y’all!): I have been trying my hardest to remain diplomatic about the smoking ban since it was announced earlier this year. Even though I do enjoy my lady smokes, I can see the other point of view and respect other people’s opinions-unless it involves you telling me evolution does not exist. Then you’re just crazy. 

I did and still do find it to be utterly and completely ridiculous that the government is telling private business owners that a LEGAL ACT  is prohibited in their own establishment, but I voted for the guy who put the legislation into action so I feel partially responsible. I wonder if the people who voted for George Bush feel responsible for the war in Iraq? Probably not, but that’s beside the point.

I can understand why some people may not want to be around cigarette smoke when at a bar or restaurant.  No, really.  I. Get. It.  There is no need to tell me how much you hate your clothes smelling like smoke ever again. 10-4.  Over and out.  If those who disliked smoking in restaurants would simply leave it at, “I don’t prefer it” and then drop it, I would be less begrudging in my acceptance of the new law.  But every time I see someone getting on their moral high horse and applauding this clear violation of the government’s intrusiveness on private business I really, REALLY want to light up a cigarette and blow it right in their face. Don’t worry, though. I won’t, because I’m a true, Southern lady. I’ll just insult your purse or scarf, bless your heart.

Judy Maxi is a Badass

also totally badass

“The governor does not pay my bills. In fact, I pay his bills and his paycheck”.  Judy Maxi, 11/30/09

Exhibit A:  She owns a lounge.  She. Owns. A. Lounge.  A lounge named Caddy’s.   Thinking about this place makes me want to put on a jean jacket (stone-washed with lots of safety pins) feather my hair and beg my husband to please take me to Caddy’s where we can have a few whiskey sours and slow-dance to Bruce Springsteen and Bon Jovi songs all night.  Barista dreams of running away….   

Exhibit B:  She refuses to comply with the smoking ban.  The true badass manuever was taking it to WTVR to broadcast her distaste for the state legislature.  I mean!  She completely bypassed Gene Cox and went to CBS?!?!  You are absolutely a badass if you do not tremble to be in Gene Cox’s presence.  (For reals, I sat next to him at lunch at Homemade’s by Suzanne on October 5 and stared intensely at the side of his head for 45 minutes.  I wanted to take a picture with him to make TLW super jealous, but I would have been more comfortable bum-rushing Prince Harry).  And Judy went to WTVR.  I’m dying ovah here!

Exhibit C:  For every $25 smoking ban fine she pays, she’s probably going to pick up an extra $50 in sales.  So by breaking the law, she is going to make way more money over time.  Badass, right?  Who else can say that?  Drug dealers?  Bookies?  Pharmaceutical companies?  Dick Cheney?  AIG?  I think not.

Will you accept treatment today?

In light of recent events it’s become clear that my semi-feral cats are an “issue”. Allegedly.  I blame my emotionally distant father who never told me he loved me and forced me into competitive tumbling at a young age.  The only time he would pay me any attention was during my tumbling tournaments. I get the love I never received from my father from my cats.  Also, I was kind of fat.  JK, I was never fat. 

I would like to take a moment to address the people involved with my intervention:

To Barista: Thank you for your concern about my semi-feral cat collection.  I think we can both agree 2009 has been a trying year.  I suppose I can concede that I was using my cats in order to not face the reality of being so incredibly good looking and intelligent. It is hard being me.  Plus also, the semi-ferals are great company during all of the furlough days we had this year. 

To my dear friend Jocelyn Testes-Harder: Thank you for refusing to be swayed by others.  Although the only addiction I have to “hillbilly heroin” is watching documentaries about it on TV, I appreciate your concern. Also, I have a bunch of expired Women’s Everyday Sponges I bought from Big Lots last week. I tried one but it gave me a rash real bad.  Do you want them? Just let me know and I’ll drop them off this weekend. 

To my mother: I appreciate your support during this difficult time.  You are right about my clowder attracting alcoholic comb hoarders.  I do not want end up divorced a second time and the only thing I can lay claim to is a bunch of those little black combs.  It may be time I got rid of a few cats so I can meet a decent guy to marry me and knock me up proper like.  I need a few good casserole recipes, by the way.

To Matt: To start, let’s go with “looks young for her age and is really, really good looking” as opposed to “seasoned”.  Granted, I may or may not make biscuits inappropriately on people’s bellies as of late, but I do not think that in and of itself makes me “crazy”.  Yes, on Saturday nights we all get together and have dance parties. “My Prince Will Come” is just one of the songs we sing including, “Over the Rainbow”, The Brady Bunch theme song and “All I want for Christmas is You” (now that the holidays are here) but that is before I head out to my S&M parties.  The dominatrix outfit goes on easier after I’ve sweated a bit dancing. 

PS-I have a confession to make-I think hipsters are cute. BUT THAT DOES NOT MAKE ME ONE OF THEM!

I will help kick this semi-feral cat addiction and accept treatment today. Honestly I am more excited about a month at Promises in Malibu than anything. I could really use a vacation and have always wanted to meet Lindsay Lohan.  Maybe I can be her next girlfriend?  She’s cute for a ginger.  I’m dropping everyone off behind WRLH Fox 5 later today on my way to the airport except for Mr. Paws, Coco Chanel and Lil Johnny Dep.  I hope Fox 5 finds them good homes to loving families. I hear Michael Vick is trying to start up a cat-fighting ring!

Feral Cat Intervention!

Let Go

Dear TLW,

Today I have gathered a number of your closest internet friends and family together to talk to you about  Cat Scratch Fever.  When you got your first 5 kitties, we all were hoping that you were just going through a little phase, like the one you went through when you renamed yourself  Lady Nasty (pronounced La Dynasty) a few months ago.  Lady Nasty was a great sidekick, except for that habit she had of smoking old cigarette butts she found in parking lots.  Look, I know that The Year of Aquarius has been a real letdown, but you are officially out of control.  You say you only have 24 cats, but it’s actually 38 now.  I sat outside your window and counted yesterday.  Your cat Mr. Snoop Dog invites bitches to the living room whenever his Mama ain’t home.  A few bitches have moved in, incase you hadn’t noticed.  

We are here today in the hopes of making you see that you can live a full and healthy life without 38 feral cats.  I have letters from your Mother and MattOnFire that I want to share with you.  Your good friend Jocelyn Testes-Harder  also wrote an intervention letter, but it was about kicking your meth addiction.  When I reminded her that you don’t have a meth addiction, she wrote another letter to you describing how to give the perfect blow job with or without your dentures.  When I sent it back for the second time and said that you have an addiction to feral cats and unconditional love, she punched me in the baby maker and told me to tell you to feck off.  But I know she is thinking of you today.

I hope you can accept these letter in the spirit in which they were written – mild affection.

TLW,

Jesus H. Christ pull yourself together.   What?  You’re lonely?  You want me to make you a little brother or little sister so you have someone to love you?  Aww, poor you…toughen up.  I didn’t raise a Crazy Cat Lady, that’s for sure.  You probably got all those insanity genes from your father.  Did I ever tell you that your father was schizophrenic when we first started dating?  I beat the psychosis out of him and so help me God I will do the same to you if need be. 

It’s normal to be depressed at your age.  Especially since you don’t have a husband to be openly hostile towards at social gatherings.  Speaking of marriage, how are you ever going to land another man with all of those goddamned cats around?  The only kind of man you are going to attract is an alcoholic hoarder who just needs a little bit more space for his collection of pocket combs.

Get rid of the cats, TLW, or you will be dead to me.

Love you,

Mom

TLW  – This is a hard letter for me to write.

Ever since I met you all those months ago, I’ve known you to be vivacious, engaging and fun young woman. Maybe “young” isn’t the right word. Distinguished? No. Seasoned? That works. Anyway, I know deep down in my heart that you are a good person, but your addiction has taken control of your life and turned the free spirit I once knew into a housecoat-wearing, gnarly-haired, emotionally-unstable cat lady. The semi-feral cats have become your life, and I fear you are too far gone to realize the toll it has taken on you and your relationships with those that love you.

I first realized that you had a problem when we were out at that lesbian bar you drug me to because you wanted me to see that battle of the bands thing. I told you that hipster guy playing the guitar seemed too good for you, and you responded by hissing in my face and scratching my arm with your freakishly sharp nails. Then you proceeded to “make biscuits” on my belly. I knew then that your 27 (let’s be honest – it’s more like 46 if you count the dead ones rotting in your pantry) semi-feral cats had a tight grip on your life and even affected the way you respond to fellow humans.

Walking into your house is like walking into a cat shit factory. I know you have 14 litter boxes, but do you have to put them all in the kitchen? And you know you’re supposed to clean them out every once in a while, right? The stench hits you like gigantic wall of ammonia and cheap vodka. The cheap vodka smell is probably from all the cheap vodka you drink. But the ammonia is from the cat piss for sure. The walls are stained with a turkey soup/cat food mixture, which you call “Clowder Chowder”, and your fridge is full of industrial-grade meat byproducts and cheap vodka. This is not a healthy environment for a lady. Lady? For a…  For a person? Whatever. You know what I mean.

Remember when I popped in for an unexpected visit and caught you twirling around the living room singing “Some Day My Prince Will Come”? You were dancing with the cat who only has one eye and half a tail. I think his name is Lil’ Johnny Depp. Anyway, the other cats were meowing wildly, almost singing along with you. Except for Admiral Nibbles, who was sharpening his nails on your curtains. Then he looked at me and I swear he did the “suck it” motion and ran off. It was the freakiest damn thing I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen some shit.

The saddest part of this whole situation is the pain and heartache you are inflicting on your boys. The dogs. What this comes down to, quite frankly, is abuse. We are all aware that you dress your dogs up like cats and then allow your semi-feral cats to gang-hump them. You can hear the whimpers and the howling from a block away, and it breaks my heart. Your dogs are frightened and scared, and begging to be rescued by Robin Starr and left in the back of her car on a hot day outside the SPCA. A far better fate than the pain they are forced to endure living with you.

Please, TLW, it’s time to change your lifestyle and start euthanizing these disease-ridden monsters. I know it will be hard, but I have faith in you. You can do this! With the support of your friends, you’ll get rid of those little bastards and start living a cat-free life. You’ll have to buy a new house, because the one you’re in now smells like pee and dead things, and you just can’t get that smell out without some serious bleaching. You’ll have to get some new clothes, too. The scraggily housecoat really shouldn’t be worn in public – especially if you’re trying to find that prince. Good luck with that! I mean, just get rid of the cats first then you can focus on finding a man. Let’s be realistic, here!

We love you, TLW. Well, we LIKE you. This is an opportunity for you to choose healing and health over cat turds and hairballs.

Your friend,
MattOnFire

PS: I swear to Christ, there’s something demonically wrong with Mr. FancyFur. I don’t like the way he looks at me. He’s always plotting! I think he wants to steal my breath.

In the interest of fairness, we agree that you should be allowed to keep 3 of your ferals.  Are you ready to end your dependence of a couple dozen feral cats?  If so, we are here for you.  Well, I am.  Matt will be there if there’s nothing better going on.  And your Mom will be there if you promise to take a picture in the Hanukkah sweater vest your Aunt Sally made for you, even if the cats have been using it as a bed for a few months. 

Come on now.  You can do it.  Pick 3 kitties and drop the rest off behind WRHL, the Fox affiliate in Richmond.  They have plenty of bad press experience in euthanizing caring for semi feral cats. 

Divorce. It does a blog good!

I don't know. Ask him!

Over the past week the number one search term to bring readers to the CD has been “divorce”.  Like 50 plus people a day.  Every day.  I know….right?  The post they link to is  “Congratulations on your Recent Dissolution of Marriage”  which is ironic since it has absolutely nothing to do with divorce, but rather my excuse to go out drinking because it was my Special Divorce Day. 

 

I almost feel bad for those out there searching the lonely internets in hopes of finding some words of wisdom and then stumbling upon our blog, which offers no guidance whatsoever to those confused, sad souls.  I can only hope that the excitement I felt on June 25, 2009 can somehow give them strength that one day they too can go out and get inappropriately drunk on a school night and light a sombrero on fire in front of a police officer without reprieve. Shit, if they’re lucky maybe the King of Pop will die that day forever reminding you of the best of your life each and every year upon the anniversary on his death. Oh wait.  That was my special divorce day!  How sad for you.  Here’s to the Man in the Mirror!

A Moment with Cafe Darkness

An email exchange from the ladies of CD.  Always ladylike, we keep our disagreements civil and find resolutions that are mutually satisfying.  Except for when TLW is sweet on her cab driver and the Barista starts bitching about the meter.  Or whenever Walmart or the Black Eyed Peas are mentioned.  In those instances,  truth bombs are thrown with no mercy.

B: Are you here? 

T: I’m back from lunch now! What’s up? 

B: I wanted to go smoke at Penny Lane.  You know, for old times sake.

 T: Dang.  There’s always after work….

 B: Was going to fitness @ 5:30 and would need a shower…

 T: Well just let me know! I lunch timed fitnessed so I’m free and clear.

 B: Did you really just let my dilemma between fitness and smoking go unchecked? 

 T: Jesus Christ-what was I thinking?  Mea culpa!

 B: You should be ASHAMED of yourself.

 B: All caps usage intentional.

 T: I read that with EMPHASIS so good job. I am ashamed of myself. Promise to never speak of this again nor tell anyone? 

 B: I’m going to go blog it on the mountain.  O’re the hills and every where.  Unless…

 T: Oh dear. I am frightened. What do you require? IN MY DEFENSE I was in the middle of working on the budget-which is tedious and mathy. I know it’s not an excuse but it’s an explanation

B:  Unless you walk with me to the market and smoke one in Penny Lane.   Let’s schedule an uber urgent meeting in Outlook.  How do I access the high importance font?

PS – Nice work on the bolded caps.  I am supremely irritated.

 T: Counter offer: I will give you a donation and we smoke outside.  The reason for my counter offer is that I have a meeting at three that I just realized and need to get ready for. I can come down post haste!

 B: Deal

Exactly as the Founding Fathers Intended

Give Me Foolishness

“We should be free to eat Big Macs® and smoke cigarettes on our way to have abortions.  This is America, dammit”.

“Mother, do you think this is appropriate conversation for Sunday dinner?”

“Yes I do.  I’m sick of people deciding what’s good for other people.  Let the idiots be idiots in peace”.

Spoken by an old woman in reference to healthcare reform.  She brought a tear to my eye.