Coachella Saves Relationship

Were-feeling-matching-red-tones-Coachella-couple
PopSugar

 

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-Local lifestyle Instagram curator Ashley Blake recently returned home from Coachella, a little known music festival sponsored by Absolut., American Express, and H&M among others, with a renewed sense of commitment to her partner, Denver Schnelling.

Held most years since 1999 in Indio, California, Coachella is a unique experience for friends who plan to take Molly for four straight days until the only lasting memory of the trip is when Mike gets way too aggressive about wanting a soft pretzel before kicking over a neighboring teepee and leaving the group for good.

Blake, 24, confirms that recently she and Schnelling, also 24, had stopped communicating over the issues that matter most to them. “I’m starting to think he actually believes that Richard Simmons just decided he wants to be left alone. How can I talk to him when it’s so fucking obvious that his housekeeper has him tied up in the basement and he needs all of us to help him?”

Schnelling takes responsibility for his part, admitting that he did not notice Blake’s newest Uniglo bodysuits, saying “I used to think it was adorable when she wore the one with the blue and the green swirls, but lately I guess we don’t have as much fun as we did when we first started hooking up behind my roommate’s back.”  They agreed that a trip to Coachella would allow them time to bond and purchase a new vaporizer.

It was during Calvin Harris’ third appearance on the main stage for a surprise collaboration with Billy Ocean when Blake and Schnelling realized they wanted to get out of their own metaphorical cars and into each others dreams for the immediate future and that this new vaporizer is the tits hahahahaha.

As of press time, Blake and Schnelling have been dating for 11 weeks and plan to enroll in the same abnormal psychology class at Bergen Community College this fall.

 

 

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Celebrate Pride like Bob the Drag Queen

 

bob

Hey girl. It’s been a minute or 7 years. And I’ve got the itch.

I want to tell you things that mean so little in the grand scheme of your day, much less your life. Let’s skip past the years for now and delve right back in to nonsense. You don’t need to know the details about that time in 2011 I came home to hear Mr. Barista say “miso sorry me no want no more marriage with you” in full UMOT style. You saw that coming.

You also knew everything would be better than fine in the end.

Today I want to tell you a story about my televangelist cousin. He’s a super nice guy as far as the teenage abstinence religious set goes. He podcasts about leadership and exercise and positive affirmations for fun! He’s going to London and needs his followers help to plan his trip (le sigh that followers is not a sarcastic comment in 2017. Please read it with heavy sarcasm for me. I’m committed to keeping my writing GIF free for now. Shit, is GIF free the new gluten free?)

His 12,497 followers came through with the suggestions! They all must have walking around money to burn when in London because they know exactly what to do! When in London you simply must go to Paris. You can take a high speed train and see all of Paris in an afternoon!

Spread the gospel. Obviously.

Spend most of your time in London being very careful not to be robbed. You have to pay attention to your wallet at all times. Do not go to the London Eye unless your wallet is in your right hip pocket, or else you might be pickpocketed and left for goddamned dead in the street.

Don’t stay out too late because someone will scam you with a lie. This is an actual quote.  I personally stay out late all the time and the only scam I’ve ever heard is it costs $1 to take a picture of the man who walks around with a cat on his head, which in my opinion, is a hard but fair bargain.

This feels good, right?

My Jeans!

Recently Steal Your Soul broke bad and introduced “Jeans Friday” which is a really dorky white guy term for “Casual Friday”.  You guys!  It’s 1994! We’re so progressive over here!  Anyways, we were presented with the exciting news via an e-mail reminding us that yes; we can wear jeans but remember Steal Your Soul is a professional environment and keep that in mind when selecting your outfit.  Sad when I read that because that meant my ripped jeggings were “out”.  Anyways, when I first received this e-mail I thought there was not a chance in hell that A number 1-I wanted to see any of my coworkers in jeans or B number 2-have any of my coworkers peep me in my jeans.

I was off last Friday and luckily escaped “Jeans Friday” but was warned via text that I would need to wear jeans “or else”.  I inquired about this dire warning on Monday and was told that basically I would be totally and completely ‘effed’ if I didn’t participate.  Do I say “fuck you” and don my normal attire (bringing it back to basics) or do I ‘give in’ and putting on a pair of god damn jeans in August?  Because I am weak in mind, body and soul, I am currently wearing jeans.  However, my manager said I was totally ‘crushing’ my 1950’s look so I guess I’ll take that as a compliment whilst I pop my ‘ludes and make martinis.  But I digress.  What about everyone else’s jeans?

1-Cougar Jeans.  I had no idea so many Cougars worked here but I know several people (hey!) who wished they could check out these divorcees in their jeans, stiletto boots (in the summer? Sure! They are slaves to fashion!) and low cut sweaters.  I can practically envision these jeans draping themselves all over the fetuses at Kona Grill later. Looking good, y’all! Looks like your lunch time yoga is paying off. Downward dog for life!

2-Mom Jeans. Now this I was expecting.  I’m already envisioning these jeans cheering loudly for their kid’s soccer game tomorrow and then maybe swinging by Friendly’s for a sweet treat afterward.  Sure, you’re watching your “points” but go for it! Heck, it is Saturday after all!

3-IT Jeans.  You have a job in Information Technology.  You went to a “technical institute” and have no time for things like clothes, women and moving out of your parent’s basement.  Your jeans are light in color with a relatively loose fit.  These jeans are quite accustomed to having a cell phone attached to them.  Heart these bros who clearly do not give one half a fuck about what they look like.  Form over function? Nah, go fuck yourself, busy coding on the ones and zeroes.

So there you have it! An entire post about jeans!  I think I’m ‘back’ now so yay! Have a terrible weekend, you guys!

Cafe Darkness Does Declare 6.0

Ladies and Gentlemen, Cafe Darkness has finally revealed that roughly 7 weeks ago, TLW and Barista officially proclaimed The Year of 2011 during an irrelevant conversation where TLW was schooling Barista on the proper use of  hash tags and turn signals.   In a press conference held at Delux, Barista and TLW made a joint statement acknowledging this is the latest public announcement of any Cafe Darkness year on record saying, “Oh hi. We kind of forgot we had a blog with which we could make public announcements”. 

Prior to naming the Year of 2011, Cafe Darkness wasted 15 minutes reminding us of their cleverness dating all the way back to 2005.

“2005 – The Year of Bad Service.  Get it?  We got bad service literally every time we went out.  But the weirdest part of 2005 is that we actually had money to go out,” said Barista. 

“2006 – A Very Merry Passive-Aggressive Year.  I’m still not allowed to speak on this one, which is kind of passive aggressive, which is kind of the point,” commented TLW.

“2007 – The Year of the Cocksucker.  It’s just funny to say cocksucker,” said TLW. 

“2008 – The Year of What You Mean?  I forgot how we came up with this, but it really came in handy when TLW split up with her husband later that year,” noted Barista.

“2009 – The Year of Best Practices.  Get a divorce, start a blog, exchange pregnancy tests for tampons.  Do you.  Hash tag duh,” said TLW.  Barista chimed in with “Number sign! That makes a hash tag line, right?” 

“2010 – The Year of That’s Not My Problem.  You’ve got ninety-nine problems.  I’ve got none,” said TLW. 

After what seemed like ages, the Year of 2011 was declared as 2011 – The Year of It’s a Thing

Things that are now a thing include saying it’s a thing, Kanye West, the State of Maryland threatening to withhold Barista’s federal vendor payments even though she has no idea what the fuck that’s all about, being classified as no frills or being told to bring it back to basics, trivia, warrants and priors, train wrecks, slips and falls, home ownership,  woo woos and vodka limeaids.

It’s Raining Something Fierce

Forgive me for easing my way back into this blog like an old man settling into a lukewarm bath.  But if you will be so kind as to indulge me, I’d like to take a gander at some live, local tweets about everyone’s favorite topic, The Weather.  We love weather.  We hate weather.  We love to hate people who don’t love Jim Duncan.  We share our thoughts on weather via the internets like we are co-pilots with Mother Nature.   Here’s what Richmond is saying right now:

@kenyasaidso Can it rain any harder? Oh yes. It can.
 
@AmandaLGalloway  Serious rain headed toward #RVA from Charlottesville. Can’t see the road at all it is raining so hard on 64.
 
@richmondscene The Listening Room tonight! Rain or wel..l rain… It’s going to be a great night.
 
@NKF_YPC  What is everyone doing in all of this #RVA rain?
 
@mtnbke  Wow, and here comes the rain and wind again, #RVA #rvawx
 
@mikethentrovert Watch yourselves in all this rain #RVA
 
Wow.  Can it get any better than this I ask?  Could it?!?!  What if we read those same tweets again and replaced “rain” with “sex”.  Would it make weather more interesting and dangerous and omg would Jim Duncan send us a glossy 8 x 11 autographed photo finally?  Let’s see.  
 
Can it sex any harder? Oh yes. It can.
 
Serious sex headed toward #RVA from Charlottesville. Can’t see the road at all it is sexing so hard on 64.
 
The Listening Room tonight! Sex or wel..l sex… It’s going to be a great night.
 
What is everyone doing in all of this #RVA sex?
 
Wow, and here comes the sex and wind again, #RVA #rvawx
 
Watch yourselves in all this sex #RVA
 
You decide.  Tweet on. 
 
PS  – We’ll be waiting for you Jim.

Where in the world is TLW?

Oh hai guys!

1-Did she cash out her 401(k) and go on an Eat, Pray, Love adventure to find herself and eventually ‘the one’?  Is she currently getting really good at meditation and yoga and gluttony and narcissism?

2-Did she get a new job that doesn’t allow her to blog and express herself freely but it’s ok because it’s a job that actually puts her skills to use instead of the mind-numbing repetitive nature of her job at Steal Your Soul, Inc

3-Did she get bit by a rabid raccoon and has been undergoing a series of very painful treatments to cure her “foaming mouth” disease?

4-Did she meet the man of her dreams and has been so busy “nesting” and planning her upcoming nuptials she hasn’t had the time nor desire to write self-deprecating blog posts about drinking too much and making out with people?

5-Has she run out of new material mainly because too many people she knows “in real life” read this, thus making it next to impossible to write about what’s “real” and “funny” and “zany” anymore?

Hint: The answer is 5! I’m right here y’all!

Happy 2nd Birthday Cafe Darkness

Dear Cafe Darkness,

You are the only fruit of my soiled loins and upon this, your second birthday, I vow the following:

I will pick you up and spend an hour or so with you once every other week, as the courts have recommended I do. 

I will not give one half a fuck if my coworkers discover you, my beloved bastard.

I will never use your adorableness to get a free drink at Bar Louie.  I will use your charm to get free drinks anywhere else I can.

I will never, ever, ever take you to Mechanicsville.  I fear that’s where all the people with broken dreams and nice houses live.  Terrible influences on a young mind.

I will try to remember to pay child support.  Your other Mom, TLW, still is trying to shake me down since I let your domain name expire last year.  She’s crazy as a rabid lone wolf and also, she bites.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

For piss sake, stop crying.  I won’t ignore you for another year.  I promise.

Love,

Barista