It is officially the year of best practices. Forget all the hype about the recession, Octomom and swine flu. 2009 is all about obtaining lasting, personal happiness. Too often the term “best practices” means kicking it up a notch. I say scale it back, get back to the place where you were only known as a regular to your pizza delivery guy and that video store on campus. Best practices focus on what should be done, as opposed to what is actually done. Rinse and repeat as necessary.
Take the following quiz to help assess where you are headed on the best practices scale.
1. Your friends are all invited to an open-bar wedding reception on Saturday night. You should:
a) catch up on season two of Lost
b) catch up on the 4 random beers in your fridge
c) call your friends repeatedly until they agree to meet you at a bar after the reception
d) crash the wedding, order a martini and sexy dance with the bride’s uncle
2. You learn that your company is implementing a pay-reduction. You should:
a) be grateful that you still have a job
b) congratulate yourself on starting that rainy day fund 10 years ago
c) host a pot-luck dinner for your coworkers so that you can all kvetch about the raise the VP of Marketing managed to snag
d) sign up for the wet t-shirt contest at Paper Moon. You’re fairly confident you can take home the $500 cash prize.
3. You recently ended a long-term relationship. You should:
a) read Eat, Pray, Love and book a solo trip to a third world country
b) tell your friends you are taking a year to reconnect with an old friend – yourself
c) drink two or more bottles of wine while putting all of the relationship mementos into the back of your closet
d) bust out your stilettos, tell the hottest bartender in town you think one night stands are underrated, and see where the night leads
4. After the party, you should:
a) take it to the after party
b) after the after party, it’s the hotel lobby
c) take it to your room if you can bump and grind somebody
d) all of the above
5. Your favorite tunes are now considered classic rock. You should:
a) preset your alarm clock to an easy favorites station – it gets you jazzed in the mornings
b) purchase all of Miley Cyrus’s songs and add them to your party playlist immediately
c) bitch slap anyone who suggests that Toad the Wet Sprocket was a one-hit wonder
d) decide that if the Counting Crows are still in heavy rotation, your bong from 1994 should be too
Mostly A’s– omfg. Never mind, you don’t know what that means. Your best practice: Make friends with a few ex convicts immediately and hope that they have some influence on you.
Mostly B’s – You radiate self confidence that is usually misinterpreted for arrogance. You’re kind of cool, but you’re also kind of a stain. Your best practice: Throw away that apple cider beer and your new vintage tees. Be hated for good reason by at least one neighbor.
Mostly C’s – Well alright, alright. You have the potential to get both a promotion and the clap. Your best practice: Go to work still drunk and answer every question with “I know how I feel about it. I’d like to hear your thoughts on that first”.
Mostly D’s– You’re that girl. 2009 ain’t nuthing but a thang to you. Your best practice: Have bail money tucked away someplace your Mom can easily locate. Promises in Malibu worked wonders the second time for Britney too.