….and lately it seems that everyone is either 1) having a baby or 2) having lots of practice making babies. Normally this does not bother me since thinking of other people doing the deed is nasty. The exception to this rule is when one of the most vile, disgusting creatures on the planet manages to get some and I am sitting at home with my dogs watching the Real Housewives of New Jersey.
Picture someone so unattractive, so incredibly irritating that one can not imagine having to procreate with said person if the future of the human race depended on it. He is terrible. He is awful. He is my coworker and personal he-demon sent straight from the depths of the Underworld. For the sake of anonymity, I’ll call him Tsaurus.
Below is a short list of qualities that make Tsaur the worst person on the Planet (or in Richmond, VA at the very least).
1-Constant throat clearings. By “constant” I mean all the time. All day, every day, without fail, every two to five seconds.
2-Pants that are too short. Standard. Mankles can be seen at all times. This is unacceptable.
3-Hair that is shellacked into something that Michelangelo himself would have been proud to call his own. The amount of product it must take to create those tiny waves of horror is unimaginable.
4-Three piece suits, white sweat socks. See #2 again.
5-All around douche-baggery. This guy just missed the cutoff to qualify as a functioning member of society.
But I digress. It is fairly evident that Tsar got a piece of action last night. He’s high steppin’ like a balloon on crack. The hair actually has a smiley face pattern woven in it today.
The point is this-officially everyone in the RVA is getting some action. Maybe it’s the warmer weather, a sense that the Apocalypse is coming, terrible excitement over the American Idol finale, or the copious amounts of alcohol being consumed for any of the previously mentioned hypothesis. Whatever the reason, may your breakfast not be shame with side of ohcrapwhatdidido. Cheers to gettin’ laid and gettin paid!