We received our first question, and we’re ready with the answers you need! Email your puzzlers to firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Cafe Darkness,
My coworker is always asking to borrow the hand lotion I keep at my desk. I want him to stop, but I don’t want to seem petty. How can I get him to stop using my lotion?
The Barista says: Hmm…how much lotion is he using? Is your lotion made from such a rare flower that you believe there are limited quantities of this product left on the planet? If not, then stop being so damned stingy with your lubricants. Give what you can, when you can, and how you can. Pay it forward my friend. Sigh…some of should be so lucky to have a gay boyfriend at work.
In any event, if you want him to stop using your lotion, try putting it out of sight. Lie and say you’re fresh out. Problem solved.
The Lone Wolf says: First off, why is this coworker a “he”? I thought guys only used lotion during their private sexy times. Your coworker is clearly a douche. The next time he asks to borrow your lotion, tell him that it does what it’s told or it gets the hose.
If this doesn’t work then may I suggest public humiliation? It has always has worked for me. At the next group happy hour propose a toast. Start of by saying how glad you are that all of your coworkers could get together for a drink blah, blah, blah, and wouldn’t it be nice if we could all throw in some spare change so (Fill in name here) could get his own hand lotion since he seems to love using yours on the regular.
This should shame him into realizing that no self respecting man should ever, EVER, ask to borrow anyone’s lotion EVER at the office…unless for some reason this is some steamy office fantasy involving lotion, white out and some of those big yellow post it notes and to that I say, MEOW and count me in!!!!!!