That’s what Down Town Short Pump asked me the other day. Wow DTSP. Way to put me out on front street. Frankly though, it’s a legit question. I’ve had no qualms voicing my hatred for DTSP over the years. If DTSP were a dude he would love Ed Hardy, drive a Hummer and have a penchant for young ladies. Omfg-did I just describe the owner of Club Velvet? My bad.
Let’s take a trip down memory lane for a hot second. Down Town Short Pump used to be a field filled with cow turds in the not so distance past. When I just a little wolf pup with my driver’s license I remember West Broad Street stopped at that Wal-Mart. There was also that weird fancy Arby’s that kind of gave me the creeps because everyone was so happy to be working there. But seriously, that was it.
Then progress came and not one but ohmygodcanyoubelieve it TWO outdoor malls opened up. IN THE SAME YEAR NO LESS! Regency went from poppin off to getting popped off and that’s all she wrote for that ole girl. Bu-by J Crew. Later skater to The Gap. And pour one out for my fallen homie, Banana Republic. They peaced out and went to the new fancy pants malls where you can shop…..wait for it….OUTSIDE! Who would have thought Richmond would be so excited to be outside, inside, outside, inside, outside when they shopped? Not this girl-that’s for sure. Now all Regency has to offer are hair extension stands and cell phones that light up when they ring. So, so sad.
At first I was okay with DTSP. I was like, “Alright. Nordstrom’s. Right on. H&M. Let’s do this”. The movie theatre is pretty sweet too. (Stadium seating is nice for short people). But then it got bananas. Petco? Again? Really? And a Verizon store every third strip mall. I had no idea so many chains existed until DTSP.
Christmas 2007 I thought I would venture out to that hellscape and get some shopping done. I think I even took a half day from work. No problem, right? Ha! What a fool I was. There was traffic backed up on the god damn interstate to even get to Broad St. “Wtf?” I thought. “This can’t be happening.”
Once I inched my way off the highway I was blinded by all of the useless crap they had thrown up since my last visit. I won’t even get into how I was boxed in my lane like a mother effer sine I was only fool not driving an SUV while chatting on my cell piece.
The Baby Jesus spoke to me that day while I was sitting in traffic. He told me to never go back there, ever again. He asked me to make to this promise him. It was at that moment I made the solemn pledge to never go further West on Broad Street than Gaskins. New Years Resolution 2008 was made right then and there and even though I would love to check out the cougars at Bar Louie, I can’t break my promise to JC.