I’ve decided to discuss one of the best parts of my “real job” just because some things are too good not to share. You may or may not figure out what exactly I do, or you may or may not care what it is I do, or you may or may not agree that this is high-larious and that’s totally fine with me. I like you exactly the same amount as you like me.
Anywho, I have perfected my my my my poker face when it comes to retracting offers of employment. I swear to all higher powers I have never once laughed while telling someone that we changed our minds and absolutely do not want you to work here. I have, however, punctured the inside of my lip, stabbed myself in the leg with a pen, considered what life would be like if there were no more puppies on Earth, relived Barbaro’s passing (he has been on my mind a lot lately), thought of Tsaur clearing his throat repeatedly and/or contemplated where I will hide when the killer bees come in order to maintain my poker face during these chats.
The greatest part of these awkward heart-to-hearts is that people always insist on hearing, out loud, why we have decided to send them on their way. Note that a reasonable person would have assumed the background check was going to be an “issue” under these circumstances. The following are actual things I have said in response to but whhhhhyyyyyyyyyy?????
“Because you have six convictions for driving under the influence, and this position requires one to possess a valid drivers license”.
“You tested positive for cocaine”. (Cocaine will not show up in a pee test after 1-2 days)
“Hmm, well, armed robbery and all…”
“You have failed to appear in court over a dozen times. Several states have bench warrants bearing your name”.
“Your drug test indicated that you are in fact, deceased. Your urine was 110 degrees” (wee wee left in the car in July will eventually boil)
“Remember those seven years in federal prison for arson? We do”.
“Actually sir, pot is not legal yet”.
“Well it could be the child pornography charges, or the assault with a deadly weapon, but I’m going to go with drunk and disorderly conduct for shits and giggles”. Okay, that one was in my head only. I just stayed quiet with that dude and backed away slowly.