To the Night Manager of Home Depot who just left the bar at 9 am this morning,
Thank you so very much for stopping me and TL Dubs this morning to tell us that we are very pretty ladies. I really enjoyed the compliments that you threw our way in between telling us twenty-seven times that you just got off work and that you are hammered.
I really loved it when you showed me that you have a lighter attached to your work badge that you keep clipped to your pants at all times so that no one can steal it from you. I think that’s an invention that is about to catch on like wildfire.
What’s that? You think that TLW has yellow green eyes like a kitty cat? She sure does! Oh wait, she has snake eyes…yeah, that’s a possibility. I can see that. I don’t mean to be a stickler, but you may want to work on your animal impersonations. Snakes don’t growl and swipe at things with their claws. That’s probably what a bear does. Snakes say “hissss” and do sexy dances out of wicker baskets when they hear music. Snakes go crazy for flute tunes.
So you are the night shift manager at Home Depot and you just got off work and you have been drinking since 6 am? Yeah, I already knew that. You work the night shift because it pays you more money? You’re on a salary of like 50-60k each year? Hmm…okay. You have been working there for seven years? That’s awesome. It’s so rad that you got paid today, and that you showed us all the cash in your wallet. If my moral compass didn’t face true north I may have asked for a closer look at all those dollar dollar bills.
I believe you when you say that you are 29 but that you only look like you are 22. I bet the dim light from the bare light bulb hanging in your bat cave does strange things to your reflection. Anyway, it ain’t the years, it’s the miles. And you sir have not held your Kelley Blue Book value.
I hope you have fun at the river after you sleep off your buzz. We’re sorry we can’t go with you. We love rivah time but you are creepy and so we’re going to take a pass on traveling anywhere with you. We’ve also tried to wrap this conversation up politely but you are way too stupid drunk to take the hint.
Under no circumstances do either of us want to date you or ever see you again. No, you can’t follow us into our office to get our phone numbers. My husband will jujitsu your ass into next week if you don’t back off. And TLW’s new fiance is a security guard; he may be 78 but she’s his little darlin’ and he is not afraid to use his night stick.
Buh bye now – have a nice blackout weekend.