Saturday morning just isn’t going to be the same without Terrell Brown on NBC 12. Terrell said later-skater to Richmond and is headed on up to a station in New York. Not NYC (although I think he’s ready) but upstate, where they get lots of snow. I bet some agent got wind of Terrell’s stunning snow angels and recognized that his talent would go to waste in Richmond.
I thought I was going to be super sad that Terrell is gone, but then my old favorite Andy Jenks pulled off his finest neighborhood crime alert to date on Tuesday, and has officially won back my affections even after he de-friended me on facebook and forced us to abandon the Hijenks fan club we created. That sounds pretty pathetic…but the Hijenks were waaaayyyy more about Captain and Cokes and shenanigans than Andy Jenks.
Back to Tuesday. I didn’t think the newscast could get any better than Gene Almighty Cox wearing matching outfits with Sabrina Squire. Seriously matching. Grey pants suits, white shirts, white tie for Gene, pearls for Sabrina. Parents of twins everywhere were impressed. And that was before Andy’s pièce de résistance! A neighborhood crime alert out of Chesterfield. Vandals, looking for melee, spray painted giant cocks (not the cock-a-doodle-doo kind) on numerous garage doors. Beneath the “explicit drawings” that were not quite blurred out on camera were the words “I am McLovin”.
Andy found three incredible residents to interview for his story, and got right to the bottom line. “Who could have possibly done this and what do you think it means sir?” Resident # 1 could not keep it together. He actually answered “obviously it was a teenager. Or someone who really liked Superbad. Heh, heh, McLovin, the twenty-five year old organ donor from Hawaii. Heh, heh. I mean, it’s, heh, really a shame. This, heh, this is a nice neighborhood. I’m sorry – it’s pretty funny, wait, no it isn’t. Yes, yes it is funny. Can I go now?”
Residents 2 and 3 did not find it humorous at all. They talked to Andy Jenks while they were in their above ground metal swimming pool. “Yeah, I’m going to have to paint over that there before too many children see it” said resident # 2 as he floated lazily around the perimeter. Resident # 3 clung to the side of the pool as she told Andy “Dang kids. I don’t know if that’s a graduation stunt or what, but that’s peoples belongings”. I wish I understood the rest of her nonsensical gibberish; it was probably high quality entertainment. But I totally lost her each time she dunked her head to slick back her hair. I am pretty sure she showed Andy her cleavage at least a half dozen times.
This may very well be the best local crime report anywhere, ever.
Fine work, Andy Jenks. Way to be Wonder-Twins (form of a lion!) Gene and Sabrina. Peace out, Terrell. You keep it classy now.