Just Missed UVA

Everyone here is high
Everyone here is high

Editor’s note-This is the fourth in a however many long series about Virginia colleges.  Everything in this post is true so don’t even bother getting offended. 


Wild, wonderful Harrisonburg, VA!  This booming metropolis is conveniently located in the Shenandoah Valley.  Just take 64 to 81  y’all and you’ll be there before you can say Phish Reunion Tour!!  It proudly calls itself home to a Wal-Mart with special parking for horse carriages (seriously) and a store dedicated to solely selling Confederate Flag paraphernalia.  Harrisonburg also has one of the largest chicken farms in the state which makes the entire town smell like dog food after it rains.  The most crime you’ll find in this small community is your occasional Peeping Tom.  JMU students affectionately refer to Harrisonburg’s year round residents as “townies” and separate themselves from them as much as possible. (i.e. Ew, no way. I’m not hooking up with that guy-I think he’s a townie!). 
All freshmen are given their dorm room assignments, class schedule and their own personal bong on their first day of school.  It is a requirement that all students log equal class and high time before graduating.  JMU has no major sports team to speak of which is fine because the entire student body population wouldn’t be able to remember when the games were being played anyway. 
Take a tour around the beautifully groomed campus and you will be amazed at the amount of attractive people that attend JMU thus causing many of the female student body population to question their own attractiveness level until they return home for break. 
70% of JMU students are from Richmond. They are smart but not the smartest because they go to JMU. If they had tried just a little bit harder they would have gotten into UVA.  Please note that upon arriving at JMU nobody cares that they could have gone to UVA because they’re stoned and will be for the next 4-5 years. 
The remaining 30% hail from North of the Mason/Dixon line.  They will claim that they can’t understand a word the southern part of the student body says and smoke funny cigarettes they call “P Funks”.  Classy southern girls smoke Marlboro’s. Everyone knows that.   These strangers from a foreign land call beer bongs “funnels” and say “smoke up” instead of “smoke out”.   See how different affluent white people can be? Very!
Upon graduating 80% of JMU alumni will move to Northern Virginia where they will remain for the rest of their lives.  The other 20% moves back to Richmond where they will also remain for the rest of their lives. Both will try to remember years they spent at JMU but with an alarmingly rate of inaccuracy due to the copious amounts of marijuana that was smoked while there.  From what I can remember I had a really great college experience.





8 thoughts on “Just Missed UVA

  1. haha i love this
    and yea more like the first football team in the state to win a national title !!
    cant wait for next year
    JMU 2014!!!

  2. Figured I’d address the many inaccurate claims made here for anyone who might believe this guy.

    I am a JMU senior who is about to graduate, and I have never smoked pot or done any other drugs in my life. Also, I am not stupid because my senior independent research that I completed at JMU is currently being prepared to be published in a scholarly journal. Furthermore, I am not moving to either Northern Virginia or Richmond upon graduation. I am moving to Los Angeles, CA, to attend one of the most prestigious law schools in the country this fall. (Several of my friends are going to other states to attend graduate schools.) Finally, some of us would rather have died than gone to UVA, otherwise known as the preppy a-hole capital of Virginia.

  3. TLW- I second that.

    Oh, and I’ll say “smoke up” and “funnels” all the rest of my NoVa-livin life. Deal with it. Why dont you take your “tennis shoes” and GTFO. 😉

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