Dear Giant Conglomerate Who Likes Offshoring Customer Service,
I respectfully request reimbursement in the amount of $8.70 for the 30 minutes of my life that you just completely wasted. This is a one-time only bargain rate at just $0.29 per minute. My time is usually way more valuable, but I suppose a discount is in order since I technically just stole my employer’s money during our chat.
A couple of suggestions, if I may. Do not have 21 menu options that I can choose from when I call. By the time you were on option 7 I was already lost. General categories will be fine. I know you are going to make me go through at least 5 more of these menus before I get anywhere remotely close to talking to a human being anyway. I would suggest starting off with three options: Really Confused press 1, Generic Info You Already Have press 2, Plotting the Destruction of Our Corporate Office press 3. You will funnel calls to the appropriate robot-lady voice very efficiently this way.
Once I have made it through to a real live foreigner, please do not ask me to verify my name, address, social security number, account number, birth date, mother’s maiden name, my stripper name (Champagne Huckleberry is freaking fabulous though), my favorite color and my phone number again. I have already provided this information at least 3 times at various automated security checkpoints. The hellacious line to get into Metro on a Friday night moves faster than this.
Besides the technical issues you experienced during my call, which to me sounded more like a herd of angry camels storming your offices, you were kind of helpful. You were able to tell me quite clearly that you would not be able to process my request for 2 business days or 48 hours, whichever time period is more likely to increase your chance of forgetting that I ever called at all.
My main concern lies in the follow up survey to my call. Your representative asked me “would you say I was lucky for you today?” Giggling, I tell him “nope, you were not lucky for me today, but you were helpful”. He became distressed, asking “why would you not say I was lucky for you today? I was lucky for you, no?” I get it together and again say “you were helpful and courteous, but no, you were not lucky for me.” Him, “Please say I was lucky for you. Please, madam, I know I was lucky for you”. Me, silent….him “PLEASE SAY I WAS LUCKY FOR YOU TODAY!” Me, “um, okay, yeah, sure, you were lucky for me today, absolutely lucky for me”.
I hope getting lucky today did not enroll me in the drapery-of-the-month-club for the low low price of $119 per month for the rest of my life. Otherwise, I will be billing you again shortly. You know where to send the check now!