*Editor’s note-this may or may not be the last in our continuing series about Virginia colleges. We hope our broad generalizations and stereotypes entertain you and make you think that we’re totally right on point like 99.99% of the time.
Bravo, gentlemen. Bravo. You are single handedly the smartest guys in town. You realized from a very young age that it’s not the grades that matter but the connections, so why even bother studying? SATs? Suck it. ACTs? What the fuck are those? Studying is for losers and you’re definitely not a loser. You’re a winner. And because you’re a winner you’re going to Hampden Sydney.
You just don’t understand how awesome this school is if you’ve never had the opportunity to hook up go there. The men that attend Hampden Sydney are so bad ass that they get their tail delivered to them each weekend. They don’t even have to leave their goddamn fraternity house. Carloads and carloads of “ladies” from surrounding Virginia women’s college literally invade the campus each weekend. They straight up pack a bag (Grandma called these “suitcase schools” cause the ladies left each weekend in search of their M-R-S) and hunker down for some old fashioned Southern lovin. Tigers don’t even have to try to get laid. It’s like, right there for them. Amazing.
The main extracurricular activities that take place at Hampden Sydney are snorting obscene amounts of cocaine while listening to Widespread Panic, the Dead or Phish. Similarly to their high school days, these guys got the memo that grades are lame and blow is awesome.
For the next 4ish years these guys will make invaluable connections that will eventually land them a well paying job in banking, finance or banking finance. They’ll make a shit ton of money, have a hot wife, a couple of kids and play golf every available second of their lives. I was not kidding when I said they are the smarter than anyone else. My hat is off to you, Tigers. You are truly an inspiration to us all.