Recently I got the memo that apparently not everyone who lives in Richmond originally hails from here. Did y’all know that? Weird? It’s awkward when I ask where they went to school and they tell me where they went to college vs. high school. I don’t care about college? I’m talking about high school? Anyways, to help all Richmond transplants navigate our fair city in the summer months I’ve put together a short list of things the Cap City has to offer:
Extreme Heat & Humidty. I love it when it’s humid as a mother effer outside. It transforms my less than voluminous Scandinavian locks into a veritable mane of sexy. Meow! Now some of you will experience the unfortunate side effect of frizz. If that’s the case then I’m sorry. Stay indoors as much as possible and purchase a hat of some sort.
Also, make sure the AC in your car works as well. You don’t want to be sweating all over town in July and August. Trust me. This is from experience.
Tomato Sandwiches. Loves! In case you have been living under a rock, ingredients are as follows: Hanover tomatoes, Wonder Bread (white, naturally) , Duke’s mayo (on both sides of the bread), salt and pepper to taste. American Cheese is optional. I don’t prefer it and have gotten into numerous debates over its efficacy in making the sandwich yummier, but it’s your call.
Drinking outside-anywhere. I heart having cocktails outside. For whatever reason, alcohol consumed outside is more pleasurable than when consumed inside. You tell me why because I just don’t know. Everyone else seems to agree as well because Richmonders will sit outside and drink in 100 + degree temperatures. Just sweating and drinking, sweating and drinking. Good times.
Belle Isle. Also known as the Redneck Riveria this place quite possibly has the best people watching Richmond as to offer while getting your fitness on. Craaaazy and creeeepy all in one. Don’t put your water bottle down cause it may get roofied. Visiting Belle Isle is a sure fire way to get a firmer understanding about evolution and some cardio at the same time.
So please, everyone. The next time you hear, “Hot enough outside for ya?” simply nod and say, “Oh, Lord yes! It’s too hot to cool down!”. Everyone will take you for a Richmond native and be none the wiser that you don’t quite understand what the hell is going on.