The Cafe Darkness Bar Guide

Style Weekly’s annual Bar Guide is out and if you haven’t picked up a copy, please do. It’s hilarious and spot on.  What they didn’t mention, however, is what the ladies can expect to have to endure upon entering said bar.  In response to that and through much thought and extensive research I have been able to categorize the douche bags that inhabit the bars in the RVA.  I hope you will find my research helpful so you may avoid these people at all costs.   
The Richmond Douche.  Where you are: City Limit, Can Can or any other over priced restaurant in the city.  You can identify the Richmond Douche with ease, so do not fear. He will be wearing pink pants with lobsters on them (I don’t get this AT ALL by the way-can someone please explain this to me?!?! ), boat shoes and a polo shirt. Drink of choice-probably just a brewskie since he’s been drinking all day on the golf course but don’t be surprised if he’s living it up and drinking some whiskey. He only smokes when he drinks so his pick up line is to bum a cig.  Simply smile, hand him said Marlboro and calmly walk away.  He won’t really care that he didn’t score since his girlfriend is at home anyway.   
The Hipster Douche.  Where you are: Sticky Rice, Helen’s, New York Deli, Ipanema, Cous Cous or any other bar you’ve never heard of.  You can identify the Hipster Douche by their use of irony, vintage tees and skinny jeans.  Drink of choice?  PBR.  They have their own natural smokes so their pick up line will be to ask you who your favorite band is.  You can immediately get them to leave you alone by responding that you enjoy Matchbox 20, Creed and Linkin Park.  Be careful to not say this with sarcasm, however, because then they’ll think you’re being ironic and hence forth, one of them. Follow up by asking them if they were as upset as you were about the American Idol finale.  Watch them slip away quicker than you can say “My scooter’s parked in a tow away zone-gotta jet”. 
The Ed Hardy Douche.  Where you are: Star-lite, Bandito’s and anywhere Downtown.  The Ed Hardy Douche is the easiest of the three to spot due to his love for Ed Hardy and Affliction apparel.  Hair gel is not optional.  Drink of choice? Long Island Iced Tea.  Tribal arm bands are standard.  Their pickup line is the most direct and involves simply coming up from behind and grinding on your ass like wow.  It may be hard to escape from the grasp of an Ed Hardy Douche because he has already placed his man tanned hands on your hips in an attempt to simulate sexy times on the dance floor.  Your best bet is to tell him that you think you’re ovulating and tonight would be a great night to make a baby.  Look pleadingly into his eyes and ask him to make you a mommy. He’ll immediatly release you from his grasp since he can’t afford any more child support and will move on to his next victim. 
Like grandma used to say, “Douche bag me once, shame on you. Douche bag me twice, shame on me”.  May your nights be long and your bar tabs small, my friends! 

4 thoughts on “The Cafe Darkness Bar Guide

  1. I think the Richmond Douche is my favorite. I mean, really, what IS up with those salmon pants? I don’t get it! Is that just a richmond thing? And why are they wearing boat shoes? It’s not like they just docked ship in Carytown Port.
    They use words like “crucial” and “dude” 47 times in the same sentence. If you’re lucky, they’ll even be sporting double polos (with BOTH collars popped).
    And God help you if Livin’ On A Prayer starts pumping through the speakers, because they will scream it at the top of their lungs, right into your ear. And they’ll always mess up the lyrics, too.
    As well as City Limit and Can Can, good place to find these Turd Fergusons is Siné.

  2. I’m fairly certain in all other areas of the country the salmon pants with applique animals (on anyone over the age of 3.5 y/o) would get you laughed out of anywhere except for a halloween party.

  3. Damn girl, I have no clue who the F ed hardy is – but 3rd option pretty much sums me up – right on!

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