Dear Reorg Plan,
This is it. I have had it with you. I think it’s best if we break up immediately. You’ve strung me along for months now and manipulated all of my emotions. You repeatedly threatened me with unemployment and then apologized by dangling a promotion in my face. You had me so utterly confused that I heard myself smiling and saying “no, that’s fine. Perfect. I’m just happy to have a job”. All this time I thought you knew what you were doing. All this time.
And then you handed me my job description this morning. And asked for my input. So here it is.
Once you have decided on a course of action, please do the exact opposite. You’re an asshole by nature and your judgment is not to be trusted.
Stop stealing from your employees. It’s not a furlough program – it’s grand larceny. I’m going to steal my laptop and eBay it in a hot second and call it profit sharing. You’re cool with that, right?
While we’re on it – stop stealing the content of my blog and putting it on your sites. Well, maybe you’ve got me there. You are technically paying me most of the time I’m writing this. Let’s each look the other way here…
Last I checked, we were not employing first and second graders. We don’t care about ice cream socials, arts and crafts sessions or visits from a plushy molar. Try motivating us with things like free parking or respect or alcohol.
I realize that my rant changes nothing about our relationship. In fact, I’m probably not even realistically breaking up with you for at least another three to six months. But I want you to know that I’m on to you…
I hate you very much,