If you ever start to doubt that humans are, by nature, not crazy and creepy then can I please direct you to Craigslist? More specifically may I ask you to visit the “Missed Connections” section of their site? For me, “Missed Connections” is a lot like Fox News. I am in no way going to gain an ounce of intelligence from it but it’s there and it’s funny and I like to talk out loud to myself and ask what people could possibly be thinking, I mean honestly.
Actual missed connection reads as follows:
Carytown Ukrop’s today at lunchtime. You kind of look like a muskrat, but a cute one. I was the guy in the blue shirt. I think we made eye contact but I was too shy to say ‘hi’.
Ooooooooooooooookay….seriously. Now suspend disbelief for a hot sec that anyone has actually met through Missed Connections, fallen in love and spent the rest of their lives together. Just do this for me, k? If, for some reason, I was the girl that looked like a muskrat (which I don’t but anyways!) what are the chances on God’s green earth that I would actually think to myself, “Hey TLW, that guy in the blue shirt at Carytown Ukrop’s today was kinda cute. I think we made eye contact and had something there. Shit though…..I don’t know his name or anything about him! I bet he was just too shy to say something to me. How can I meet him? Oh snap-let me checked “Missed Connections” and see if he thought I was cute, too.”
So I go home, hop on the internets and ohmyfuckinggod there’s a post! From someone who was at Carytown Ukrop’s the same day I was! Holy shit, could this be the man I’ve waiting for? Hold on, let me click this shit. Okay, so now let’s pretend that I click on that post and I’m so excited because I’ve finally met the man of my dreams because he totally felt the connection, too! Holy crap we’re going to get married and have five million babies! Now what the fuck do you think I am going to think when my Prince Charming calls me a muskrat, albeit a cute one? What. The. Fuck.
Do you think Guy in the Blue Shirt got any replies? “Hi! I was also at CaryTown Ukrop’s today and I totally look like a muskrat, but a cute one. I felt ‘it’ too. Please email me back at firstname.lastname@example.org!” No, this has never happened. Ever. You know why? Because it’s absolutely insane, that’s why. You know what though? Missed Connections manages to entertain and amuse me for hours on end when I’m sitting in my cube trying to block out Tsaur’s constant throat clearing. So please Guy in the Blue Shirt-I implore you to continue to find the cute muskrat of your dreams.