It does what it’s told or it gets the hose

Who: Me and the Boys.  What: taking a walk.  When: last weekend. Where: my apt. Why: They had to go potties. 

So the boys are just sniffin around and peeing on bushes doing their thang.  I’m waiting for them to hurry the hell up so I can take my daily nap.  (It’s from 2-4 any day that I’m not working, just so you know).  I notice this man shuffle up the sidewalk wearing some type of sweat suit that couldn’t have been less than 20 years old while carrying a portable CD player and wearing the biggest headphones I’ve ever seen.   He looks at the Boys and says, “Ohhhhhhhh hiiiiiiiii there y’all.  You boys are tooooooo cuuuuuuuuuuute.  Hiiiiiiiiiii.

Now the Boys are handsome and they know that. They get this all the time so receiving a compliment on their all American good looks is standard.  But it quickly went  from normal “your dogs are so cute” to ohmygodgetmethehelloutofhere creepy:

Me-(Note: I’m trying to move on cause, like I said, it was getting to be about nap time.)  “Oh yeah, thanks.”

Him-“Hey there boys, my oh my y’all sure are cuuuuuute! What kind of dogs are they?” 

Me- (Again, wanting this guy to keep on keepin on. Scooter had to make biz and I was sleepy times. )“Oh a Yorkie and Shih Tzu”

Him: “Oh Shih Tzu! They’re my favorite!  I love Shih Tzus! Ohhhhhh myyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! I used to have a Shih Tzu.

Me-(Thinking to myself if they were your favorite how come you had to ask what he was but anywhoos.)  “Right on.  He’s chill”

Him-“Yeah, like I said. I used to have a Shih Tzu. That is, until my ex took him from me.  Now I have no Shih Tzu. Because of him”.  Then he gave me crazy eyes. 

Me-(Backing slowly away.)  “Ooooooookay

Him-“Can I take him for a walk, please?”

Me-(Wtf) “Huh?”

Him-“Can I take him for a walk, please?  I’ll bring him right back you know. I live right around the corner. Do you live here?”

Me-“Oh yeah….well no, I don’t actually. I’m visiting from Nebraska for the weekend and actually kinda need to get to getting”.

Him-“Oh are you sure you don’t live around here? You look awfully familiar to me. So does your Shih Tzu toooooooooo.”

Me-(At this point I’m getting seriously creeped out.  He absolutely wants to tell me to put the lotion in the basket.) “Ha, ha…yeah no.  Must be some other blond lady with two little dogs cause it sure isn’t me. I’m from Omaha! Never been to Richmond in my life! But hey listen, it was great talking to you. Have a good weekend!”

And with that I yanked the boys away from that creepster before he could make a suit out of all of our skins.   I really do think I have a higher than average amount of awkward and bizarre run ins with Randoms.  Maybe everyone has these things happen to them and they don’t find them odd or maybe the vibe I give off screams, “Come talk to me random stranger! Make me feel uncomfortable and awkward and weird!”.  Either way these encounters never cease to amuse and entertain me.  Plus also, they’re totally blog worthy which is also a bonus.


3 thoughts on “It does what it’s told or it gets the hose

  1. Holy smokes scary! It so funny because you can’t even make this stuff up! I think you might have an higher than normal “weird” things happen to you, thank God you can make them funny.

  2. Man, this part of town does not have its shades of grey – it’s either comepletely, utterly batshit crazy/creepy/gross or outstandingly awesome.

    Take this past Sunday. It was a rare laundry day for me, so I dropped off the clothes at the laundromat around the corner and walked down to the major convenience store to get caffeine and some extra bills for the dryers. On the corner stood a portly gentleman, not moving, staring into space, holding an umbrella over his head. It had stopped raining at least 45 minutes before this, and he was mumbling to himself.

    Moving awkwardly past him, I was briefly accosted by another disheveled gentleman who was agigtatedly pacing up and down in front of said convenience store, talking earnestly to himself in an indecipherable tongue. Everyone else meandering around the intersection was of an equally bizzare disposition. I hurry up, trading glances with the clerks regarding the parade of weird, and run the gauntlet across the street to tell my friends at the coffee shop at the rapidly increasing state of crazy going on in front of us. As I finish my story, 4 fire engines careen down the street and stop right in front of my laundromat. If my clothes had caused the place to burn down that day, I wouldn’t have been surprised.

    On the converse, yesterday I was at home nursing an exceptional post-birthday hangover, and decided I would venture out to grab recovery food from the Chinese place. Apparently, it was Attractive Nice People’s Day in the neighborhood and no one had told me – everyone was smiling, walking dogs, enjoying the day despite the clouds. No creeps in or around the convenience store, and when I was walking back with my food past [what we’ve always called] Café Divorceé, four cute ladies pour out of the door in good spirits, comparing tattoos which they must have recently acquired and trading smiles with me as I walked around them.

    Never a dull moment here, and for the past year and a half, the bad days have definitely been balanced out by the good ones.

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