It’s Friday! You know what that means! TLW and the Barista are helping out the readers. We like to call these posts paying it forward. Cheers y’all.
Dear Café Darkness:
I’ve been trying to follow the rules for the Year of Best Practices but I don’t seem to be getting anywhere. I purchased the Lady Gaga album and I even made myself a Woo Woo last night at home, but I still don’t have any plans for the weekend and no one will accept my friend requests on Facebook. What am I doing wrong and what can I do to be so awesome like you guys?
Loserly in the Fan
Sucks, man. Totally sucks. It sounds like you’re headed in the right direction, but it definitely sounds like you could use a little help. If I had to venture a guess I would say role playing games took up a lot of your childhood, you enjoy traveling to Renaissance Festivals and intense debates about Battlestar Galactica.
But hey, man. It’s cool! Not hating over here. What you need to do is embrace your inner loser and roll with it. Find other people on the same D&D level as you and go out with them! Ask them to be your friend on Facespace! They’ll totally be down! Then, once you gain their trust and confidence slowly begin to manipulate and control their emotions until you are the clear leader of the group. Boom! Now you’re Social Director and Warlock Level Whateverthefuck all in one. No more sitting at home in your lonely studio apartment playing WarCraft until your fingers are numb. No siree. It’s Renaissance Fair time so lace up that jerkin and shine off that codpiece cause it’s time to party like it’s 1099!
The first step to fixing a problem is admitting that you have a problem. Good job, loser. You’ve come to the right place. Me thinks the problem is that you are trying our best practices instead of your own. We do love Lady Gaga and Gene Cox and smoking immediately after fitness. But that doesn’t mean you have to love these things. Best practices are about doing your own thing. Work it. Own it.
For example, me and Mr. Barista grew a garden this year. We’ve never grown a garden. We didn’t read a book about gardening. We could not be so bothered to follow directions. And guess what? We’ve grown the world’s largest cucumbers. That’s right; we’re talking prize-winning, obscene, superior race cucumbers. Do your own thing and your metaphorical vegetables could be used as props in an adult movie too.
But enough about how I roll. Forget facespace friends and weekend plans. Try getting kidnapped so some new shit can happen for you. You’ll have lots of people waiting to hear your escape story when you get back.
My only concern is that you say the woo-woo failed you. This is unacceptable. Add more Jager and have at least three woo woos. If this still fails to start your party, then you are beyond all hope.