I decided to take a knee last night and just chill at home for a change. I’d been a little bananas the past couple of days and needed to just hang at the pad for a hot sec even if it was a Saturday night. Previous nights’ activities included, but were not limited to: Vodka limeades and staying up until two on a school night making out (Wednesday), red wine, downtown, public making out and free style rap at Europa (Thursday), margarita lunch, whiskey, more red wine and downtown once again (Friday).
Further complicating matters was a bridal shower I attended on Saturday in NOVA. I arrived at said shower two hours late frazzled and incapable of making normal conversation. (NOTE: the two hours late was not the whiskey’s fault-it was those god damn state police trying to get some extra scratch crack down on speeding. Go catch some criminals guys, seriously). Anywhoos, on the return trip I decided that I was totally going to just take it easy that night. It was going to be me, the boys and some bad TV. I was stoked about it.
So I was taking the guys out on their final walk of the night. When I get back I see have a voicemail from an unknown number. Normally I would just say “meh” and checked it in like three or four days but I was intrigued. I realize that it’s TLW’s very own mother calling from a pay phone at a 7-11 stating that her car broke down, she needed a ride but I wasn’t available so I guess she would just walk home, don’t worry about her, she’d be just fine, thank you. “What the fuck” I’m thinking. “Where is your cell phone? Why are you calling me from a pay phone? They still have pay phones? Why don’t you take a cab home?” While pondering life’s mysteries she calls me back from her cell phone. “Hi, TLW, it your mother. Thank you for answering your phone when I called you this time. No, no that’s alright. I’m fine. I got a ride from a stranger and am home now”. (Again, wtf). “Mom, dude. Man. Sorry. I mean I was walking the guys when you called. This is amazing because it’s the first Saturday that I can remember that I’m actually capable of coming to pick you up at 10:30 so….yeah……”. “Oh well don’t worry about me, TLW. I’m fine. I’ll take care of it in the morning.” So I’m all suweet and go back to my watching my show about peeps with OCD (they are crazy btws). Not ten minutes later she calls me back. She needs a ride back to her car. The tow truck driver will be there soon and if I don’t mind could I please pick up the person who carried me in her womb for nine months. She’s terribly sorry for the inconvenience, on a Saturday night nonetheless.
I scoop up moms and we make our way to the 7-11. The tow truck driver arrives shortly thereafter and begins doing his tow truck driver thing. I’m actually enjoying this because this particular 7-11 (corner of Parham and Rt. 1 in case you want to hit it up yourself) is nothing short of a Fellini movie. The cast of characters was amazing and I was just sitting there taking it all in. I realize a while has passed and I had totally zoned in on my surroundings and mom’s car is purring like a kitten. Is nice! Then I realize that mom is trying to negotiate payment with the tow truck driver by offering me up instead of cash. “Instead of paying”, she says, “how about I let you take my daughter out on a date?” “MOM WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!”, I yelled. “Well, TLW, I’m trying to save some money if you don’t mind”. She says this like it’s the most normal thing in the world. “By pimping me out to the god damn tow truck driver?! Jesus Christ Mom!” The poor tow truck driver had no idea what the hell was going on so he just stood there sheepishly waiting to get paid in either cash money or me-“Either one was fine with me”, he says. “Mom this is ridiculous! I’m out of here! Your car is running just fine now and I will not be traded like some sex slave so you can buy more lottery tickets!” And with that I drove off.
In case you think I’m a bad daughter for leaving my mom at the Sevs, worry not! Mom is fine-she’s already called me this morning letting me know that if I wouldn’t mind going to Auto Zone with her later to get her a free battery, that would be great. I, of course, had to decline that invitation. I’ve got better paying clients than the guy at Auto Zone I would rather service so yeah….I won’t be able to help her out with that either.