To the chick that punched me in the face on Main Street on Friday night:
We did not have a chance to introduce ourselves properly before our first brawl. Please indulge me and allow me the pleasure of telling you a bit more about myself. I am a Leo, an avid reader, a bird enthusiast and a terrible dancer. My idea of a perfect evening involves good company and good wine. I do not mean to brag, but I am rather proud of the fact that the police have not taken my finger prints since I was in kindergarten. I enjoy activities like showering regularly, three squares a day and maintaining my dignity. Prior to Friday I had never thrown nor received a punch. But I do feel like a bad ass now that I know I can take one like a champ.
A bit of advice, if I may. While I admire your ability to throw caution to the wind with drunken abandonment, I think you should seriously reconsider your practice of sucker punching complete strangers. Luckily for you, I find this incident humorous. But before choosing me as your target, how were you certain that I am not a UFC fighter or a police woman or a former guest of the Jerry Springer show? Did my smoking outfit and shiny clean hair give off a pacifist vibe?
This is pure speculation on my part as I have no fist fighting credentials, but I suspect the situation called for you to stick around for a few minutes after making such a bold move. You could have upped your street cred if you had not run away after punching me. I think that was supposed to be my move. Kudos on the element of surprise…but the actual contact left something to be desired. If this were a performance review, I would mark your physical strength in the “needs improvement” category. It is a commonly held belief that the recipient of a blow should at least say “ouch” in order for the maneuver to be considered effective. Try eating some vegetables. Do some bicep curls. Swap out the marijuana cigs for roids.
In any event, you and I are probably not likely to cross paths anytime soon. But for your sake, I do so hope you see me again before the girl who laid your ass out gave you a wallop just two blocks up the street from me. She looked angry and not quite as forgiving as I. Karma sure is a prankster.
Peace and chicken grease,