Mo mayonnaise!




Nom nom
Nom nom



Editor’s note: This is the first in a series we like to call “Jobs of Days Gone Past”.  In it we will chronicle our way from past to present in a futile attempt to figure out what when wrong and how we ended up where we did.  Enjoy! 

Job: Sandwich Artist.  Where: Stuffy’s Subs.  From: 1995-1999

Yes, you read that correctly. I worked at Stuffy’s for four years. Over the course of my time there I learned stuff like how to: properly smoke a bowl, buy beer underage, work under the influence, sleep at work and finally, how to provide great customer service. 

In my time there several incidents come to mind as highlights.  Ha, ha, get it? Anyways, moving on:

#1-Crazy Nick was officially insane.  I’m pretty sure this had been diagnosed and he was also an ex convict.  He worked the slicer and had a coffee mug with his picture on it.  You quickly learned to not fuck with Nick during the lunch rush. Things got intense behind that counter so it was best to just make the subs and keep your mouth shut.  Another coworker (who happens to be my Bestie) inadvertently broke this cardinal rule one day, thus interrupting his manic process of shouting, slicing and shouting again.  Nick’s reaction was to take the closest thing next to him (a large knife) and throw it at Bestie.  Totally normal reaction, right?

That, in and of itself, is not that exciting.  What was memorable was the reaction of the Manager at the time (this was always a revolving door, btw) who had a severe and intense addiction to cocaine which caused inappropriate and intense reactions.  Manager freaks the fuck out, runs over to her and asked her repeatedly ‘DID THE KNIFE TOUCH YOU?! DID IT TOUCH YOU IN ANY WAY?!”.

Note: people were in the store at the time.

Then he physically moves the knife over the path it just took in an attempt to recreate the series of events that had transpired just moments before.  Everyone is just kind of standing around dumbfounded by what was going on until Manager snaps out of it and orders us all to “Get back to work! Let’s make these people some sandwiches!’

#2-The owner of this particular Stuffy’s was agoraphobic and refused to leave his house.  We would be sent on various errands for him and were instructed to drop off items on his doorstep.  On one such occasion (again Bestie was there for this one) we dropped off said items.  We were told to just kind of place them in front of his door, ring the bell and walk away.  This time however, someone actually answers the door.  Who could it be but Manager with the Severe and Intense Cocaine Addiction wearing….wait for it….an itty bitty smoking jacket and nothing else. “Oh hey, TLW, thanks for dropping that stuff off. Did you remember to get the curry? Oh right on. Sweet”. 

#3. The rat problem at Stuffy’s was a known fact by all who worked there. They were pretty much everywhere and it was nasty.  For some reason the problem increased with the onset of a new manager who I’ll Eugene, cause that was his name. Eugene was the greasiest person I ever had the pleasure of working with. He fired me no less than 5 times a week.  As punishment I was forced to work with Eugene at night and close the store with him. One such night Eugene was slicing and I was busy ringing people up when a rat the size of a small dog emerges from the behind the counter, runs past me brushing my leg and into the back room. “Rat! Rat!” I scream. “Oh fuck! Oh Christ! It touched me!” I continue. At this point I dump the drink I was getting on the floor and jump on the counter for safety. Several other customers do the same.  Eugene orders me off the counter, fires me for the sixth time that week and sends me home.

Lessons learned from Stuffy’s that I still use today: It’s important to not work that hard at work. If you see something fishy going on, it’s best to just ignore it.  Do not use cocaine.


6 thoughts on “Mo mayonnaise!

  1. Sweet mother of God, the similarities keep on growing. I was also sandwich artist back in the college days. Subway, though. No rat problems, but I did manage to slice the everloving crap outta my thumb once. I also supplied anyone I was friends with (or really, just recognized from class) with a bountiful diet of deli meats and condiments. Because I was nice like that.

  2. TLW, you missed one key part in the description of Nick…..he was in weekend jail. He only worked at Stuffy’s during the week because every Friday he checked into jail for the weekend – most likely due to assault charges. BTWs, I cannot believe you remembered Eugene’s name. I do however now recall that he wore his Eugene name tag on his hat.

  3. QM-Good call. I thought I remembered something about weekend jail but that was so many Stuffy’s employees it’s hard to keep count.

  4. I’m having flashbacks. Just remembered a ditty about the rat. The night manager at the time used to leave out big hunks of swiss cheese for the rat overnight. The roaches also would pop their heads out of the sprouts, among other things. One time I was making some woman a sandwich and two roaches ran across the counter…right where her sammy was being made. I didn’t know what to say and we just stared. She shrugged at me and still wanted her sammy. I mean I guess the infestations didn’t stop me from eating there, but I was like 19. Jesus, I could go on all day about that place, but I’ll stop.

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