First of all let me just say that I am a professional bridesmaid. I have been in so many weddings that I can do this standing on my head. My services are for hire and I will be in your wedding for the nominal fee of $100.00 plus a bottle (or three) of wine. Hit me up at firstname.lastname@example.org if you need to employ my services. I promise to show up semi to majorly hungover and a hot mess. You’re welcome!
One would assume that since I have been in so many weddings prior that shenanigans would be a thing of a past. The first wedding I was in was my old college roommate’s. We all got so incredibly drunk at her rehearsal dinner it was impressive. I mean people were literally putting lamp shades on their heads while fist pumping and taking shots. Nice. The thought of “Hold on, maybe this isn’t such a great idea” never once crossed our minds. The next morning Bestie is puking in the shower while I attempted to throw my hair up in an “up do” that more closely resembled a rat’s nest than a fancy hair style.
Another friend’s wedding resulted in me not realizing that the top of my bridesmaid’s dress completely gaped open and you could see all my bits. (Tip: Try the dress on before the day of the wedding). I gave everyone from my place to the church a free show. Luckily someone thought to stick that bad boy to me with some double sided tape and I was good to go. That is, until Bestie decided to Tourettes out and randomly be like, “Oh is that taped? Weird. Let me pull that right quick” and then expose the ladies once again.
But that was then and then is now. Surely I’ve learned my lesson. I know better, right? Well, apparently not. I was in another wedding this past weekend and here’s a tip for y’all: staying up until 4:30 AM the night before a wedding is a bad idea. End of discussion. Also a bad idea? Red Bull. I didn’t realize that drinking four (4) Red Bulls in the span of just a couple of hours will make you feel like you’ve being doing lines of blow off a stripper’s ass the next day.
Baby Jesus decided to bless me on Saturday and allow me (somehow) to function. I’m not sure how I managed to make this happen but I did. The wedding and reception went off without a hitch until the after party. I looked back and saw who else but Bestie crying (Are y’all seeing a pattern here?!?). “Oh my God these are hottest peanuts I’ve ever had in my entire life!” she says, her eyes welling. I’m all like, “Yeah right-you’re lying” and decide to try some myself. Within 30 seconds my mouth was on fire. Miller Light wasn’t doing the trick and neither was Miller Light. I didn’t know what to do. At some point I must have brushed my hand across my left eye because several minutes later my eye was tearing up and burning like a mother effer.
Let me tell you something, nothing will sober you up faster than your eye swelling up like you just got punched in the face. The searing pain doesn’t hurt either. I took this as a sign that the Universe deemed it time for TLW to go home. This is a good thing. I guarantee that if I hadn’t eaten those peanuts and I hadn’t touched my eye I would have made many poor decisions. Instead I woke up anxiety free on Sunday morning and well rested to boot! So here’s to Bestie and her ability to always make weddings way more interesting. Cheers!