Americans are stupid and henceforth have exceedingly small memories-unless it comes to 9/11, terrorism, “freedom” or Muslims and then they remember that shit like wow. Actually scratch that. We can’t even remember that the right way. Repeat after me: there were no weapons of mass destruction found in Iraq. But I digress. What I want to talk about is Michael Vick!
For those of you don’t remember or have been doing crystal meth for the past couple of years, Michael Vick was sent to da Big House. Over the course of seven years he participated in illegal dog fighting in his intelligently named “Bad Newz” dog kennel. Cool! Sounds like fun to me! Furthermore, for those with uber short attention spans, the dogs that failed to perform were killed by various methods such as hanging, drowning and slamming their head’s into the ground. What fun!
Now before y’all go forgetting, Mr. Vick himself participated in the killings of at least eight of these dogs. What a role model this guy is! What talent! I’m sure you’ve heard that this future Mensa member has been conditionally released to play again for the NFL, although no team has yet to officially pick him up yet. However, according to his manager the phone has been “ringing off the hook with interest”. And why not? He’s totally paid his debt to society and is completely sorry he got caught “remorseful” for his actions.
Here’s my solemn vow to you, Michael Vick and to whatever NFL team may sign him for another gazillion dollar contract:
1) Actually learn the rules of football and be able to actually tell what’s going before you are (potentially) allowed to play in October. I will need to research this extensively on the internets because right now football to me is like Chinese Opera. I guess I can kind of get it, but really it’s just a whole bunch of screaming and nonsense.
2) Learn everything about the team for which Vick plays and then use those facts to hurdle insults to anyone who claims to be a fan of said team. Hopefully this will be the Steelers because I already kind of hate them and this will just be easier.
3) Get belligerently drunk each Sunday said team plays and go to various sports bars throughout the city to verbally assault these fans. BW3s, Mulligan’s, Home Team-you’re all on notice. If you see a short blond girl getting all rowdy while ordering her third jager bomb that’s me!
4) I’m going to make jerseys with Michael Vick’s team and number on them but instead of just a normal jersey I’m going to put pictures of the dogs he almost killed on them! Nothing says “Let’s play some football” like some mangled and permanently disfigured pooches! Again, you’re welcome!
So who’s with me on this? I’m thinking this could be like 2009’s answer to kickball or Ultimate Frisbee and could be the hottest thing since Apple Bottom Jeans and boots with the fur. More details to come!