Killing Me Softly

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omfg

There are few things I hate more in this world than when Steal Your Soul, Inc. says “we” but they really mean “me”.  I hate this *almost* as much as the fake “knocking” on my cube like it’s a door, T Saur’s throat clearing, parking decks and nuts in my sweat treats.  Below are some of my favorite “We When You Mean Me” isms:

“We need to get to the bottom of this file issue” =  Get ready because this is going to be a super stainy project you’re going to work on.  I’m not going to do any work on it but will email you regularly checking on “our progress”.  It’s going to probably take about a year to complete and will be fraught with delay and frustration causing you to curse regularly. Have fun with that! Once it’s completed, rest assured I’ll take all the credit for it.

“We need to really all pitch in to cut costs around here” = I’m going to promise you a raise, delay that raise and then cancel it all together. After I do that then I’m going to steal your paycheck for the better portion of the year.  While you’re doing that, I’m going to go ahead and give myself a big ole promotion and raise.  Cool?  If you complain I’ll remind you that “we’re” all just lucky to have jobs in these uncertain economic times.

“We should really start thinking out of the box on this one” = I’m just talking directly out of my ass at this point. The Corporate Speak has infiltrated the synapses of my brain so completely and entirely that I no longer make rational statements and now only use gibberish and nonsense to communicate.  I have no idea what I’m saying or what I mean. Simply nod your head and agree.  Later maybe “we” can do some trust falls and some “when you say (blank) you make me feel (blank)” exercises.

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One thought on “Killing Me Softly

  1. sprinkle with a few ‘going forward’s, ” “wrapping our arms around the problem”s, “adding value”s and finish with an emphatic, “it is what it is.”

    That and the $5 dollar words learned in any liberal arts curriculum or rights-based discourse will confuse, deflect and effectively neutralize any b-school grad.

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