You Only Turn 29 Once

they pretend to be in their 20's too
they pretend to be in their 20's too

Today I am 29.  Tomorrow 30.  Ain’t that a kick in the pants?  This is it.  I heard that after today life will move quickly into a downward spiral of financial security, knowing thyself, parenthood, career progression and time-share vacation homes.  So I am going to be busy today doing all the things that one can only pull off when in her twenties.  I’m going to put on an outfit for which several Muppets gave their lives to create, go get a belly ring, maybe take a nap under my desk, wear some glitter makeup, lay in a tanning bed for 20 minutes, pick up a lava lamp from Ikea, start a blog where I’ll write about things on the internet that would probably get me fired if I was found out, drink liquor before beer and stay in the clear, and if there’s still time, I’ll irritate my neighbors by blasting some Justin Timberlake until 3 am. 

Starting tomorrow, I will banish the word “dude” from my vocabulary and limit my alcohol consumption to no more than two glasses of Chardonnay, no more than once a week.  I’ll remove the belly ring because it’s an adornment meant for a young woman.  My blog will highlight the needs of the under-served communities in Richmond.  I will wear sunscreen with an SPF of 55 every day.  My home décor will be strictly Pottery Barn or Ballard Designs.  I will start an anti-Oprah book club – first up, Wuthering Heights.  I’ll quit smoking and start taking prenatal vitamins just to be prepared.  In all seriousness, I should do one of the last two things I mentioned.  I hear that prenatal vitamins make your nails and hair super strong. 

TL Dubs assures me that in reality, tomorrow will be just like any other day and that I will still be as immature as ever.  I’m not so sure.  So please, let’s skip the birthday cracks unless you want to tell me that I don’t look a day over 29, even though I am a day over 29.  That would be funny and ironic and I will like it.  

If you need me, I will be weeping quietly in a corner while clutching my high school year book and singing Glory Days


9 thoughts on “You Only Turn 29 Once

  1. Barista: Trust me when I say that I am less mature today than I was even one year ago. Since I turned 30 I have less financial security, am nowhere near parenthood (unless you consider keeping my Christmas Cactus alive parenting) have gone downward in my career and have not taken any vacations. Furthermore, I got a divorce and took on some serious debt. How’s that for mature, huh?! Can I get an AMEN?! Here’s to 30 and fabulous, eh?!?!

  2. Take comfort, Young Barista. Remember your column about how sneaking out loses its luster when you live in your own home and make your own rules? Get ready to check that. Immaturity is sweeter once you’ve exited the grace period of its acceptance. Go ahead, drink some Natural Light on a Tuesday–it’s an adulthood counter culture treat, even better with that side of nostalgia. Have some Kraft Macaroni & (powdered) Cheese to compound the juvenile enjoyment. Grow a laugh line or several and rock them. Turn on some PM Dawn and realize that it’s still just as awesome as it was in high school. Set adrift on a memory bliss of your twenties…and then, get ready to drop 30 like it’s hot!

  3. happy birthday. My boy turned 29 yesterday and he still parties like an undergrad at Radford. I think I’ll probably be showing up late to the adult world too. 29 is like the new 14.

  4. Sometimes, I ask myself if I’m ever going to be too old to enjoy getting hammercanned almost every weeknight by slamming PBRs and shots of shitty rail bourbon until last call. Life is short and there are too many awesome things left to see and do. Why let a number get in the way of a good time?

  5. Hope you have a great birthday. Welcome to the 30 club. What’s on tap? We partyin’ or what? Or do you wanna come over and play canasta and make a casserole and wear sensible shoes?

    Now I think I’m going down to the well tonight
    and I’m going to drink till I get my fill
    And I hope when I get old I don’t sit around thinking about it
    but I probably will
    Yeah, just sitting back trying to recapture
    a little of the glory of, well time slips away
    and leaves you with nothing mister but
    boring stories of glory days

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