Today I am 29. Tomorrow 30. Ain’t that a kick in the pants? This is it. I heard that after today life will move quickly into a downward spiral of financial security, knowing thyself, parenthood, career progression and time-share vacation homes. So I am going to be busy today doing all the things that one can only pull off when in her twenties. I’m going to put on an outfit for which several Muppets gave their lives to create, go get a belly ring, maybe take a nap under my desk, wear some glitter makeup, lay in a tanning bed for 20 minutes, pick up a lava lamp from Ikea, start a blog where I’ll write about things on the internet that would probably get me fired if I was found out, drink liquor before beer and stay in the clear, and if there’s still time, I’ll irritate my neighbors by blasting some Justin Timberlake until 3 am.
Starting tomorrow, I will banish the word “dude” from my vocabulary and limit my alcohol consumption to no more than two glasses of Chardonnay, no more than once a week. I’ll remove the belly ring because it’s an adornment meant for a young woman. My blog will highlight the needs of the under-served communities in Richmond. I will wear sunscreen with an SPF of 55 every day. My home décor will be strictly Pottery Barn or Ballard Designs. I will start an anti-Oprah book club – first up, Wuthering Heights. I’ll quit smoking and start taking prenatal vitamins just to be prepared. In all seriousness, I should do one of the last two things I mentioned. I hear that prenatal vitamins make your nails and hair super strong.
TL Dubs assures me that in reality, tomorrow will be just like any other day and that I will still be as immature as ever. I’m not so sure. So please, let’s skip the birthday cracks unless you want to tell me that I don’t look a day over 29, even though I am a day over 29. That would be funny and ironic and I will like it.
If you need me, I will be weeping quietly in a corner while clutching my high school year book and singing Glory Days…