Richmond in August can be a son of a bitch that’s fo sho. It’s hot. It’s humid. And people won’t stop asking you if it’s out enough out there for ya. (Yes, it is. Thanks for asking!) In an attempt to help our loyal readers stay cool during these dog days of summer, Café Darkness has five tips to help you, dear reader, not die of a heat stroke in the RVA.
1-Become agoraphobic! If you never leave the cool air conditioned confines of your house then you won’t have to worry about the heat. Develop irrational fears and phobias to things like strangers, sunlight and air. Become a shut-in and stop throwing your garbage away. The more newspapers you have stacked up, the better! Bonus snaps to those that collect feral cats and allow them to mate without abandon.
2-Sleep All Day, Up all night! That’s right, become nocturnal! Hookers, pimps and raccoons already have this on lockdown. By sleeping the hottest hours of the day away and awakening only at night you’ll avoid the sun at its peak. Get a job as a night cashier at Wal-Mart, strip for dollar bills (those without daddy issues need not apply!) or become a cab driver. Think of all the crazy great people you’ll get to meet! Plus also,vampires are super sexy right now.
3-Build an underground lair! By moving underground you are harnessing the powers geothermal dynamics to regulate your body temperature. You can also begin to work on your plans for world domination!
4-Move up north! I hear Fargo is absolutely stunning this time of year. What better time to visit Detroit than August? Cleveland is also another fantastic choice. The heat combines with the pollution in the river and emits a stench that just says “summer time!” like no other. If you’re lucky maybe the river will even catch on fire when you’re there!
5-Put on your birthday suit! That’s right-get like how God made you! The less clothing you wear, the cooler you’ll be. Americans are too prudish with their bodies. It’s time to become more European about our sexuality! Just put it out there! You’ll either get a date for Saturday night or get arrested-which could also get you a date for Saturday night. Jails have AC now so it’s a win/win either way!