Top 5 Ways to Stay Cool!

Hot like wow!
Hot like wow!

Richmond in August can be a son of a bitch that’s fo sho. It’s hot. It’s humid.  And people won’t stop asking you if it’s out enough out there for ya.  (Yes, it is. Thanks for asking!)  In an attempt to help our loyal readers stay cool during these dog days of summer, Café Darkness has five tips to help you, dear reader, not die of a heat stroke in the RVA. 

1-Become agoraphobic!  If you never leave the cool air conditioned confines of your house then you won’t have to worry about the heat.  Develop irrational fears and phobias to things like strangers, sunlight and air.  Become a shut-in and stop throwing your garbage away. The more newspapers you have stacked up, the better!  Bonus snaps to those that collect feral cats and allow them to mate without abandon.

2-Sleep All Day, Up all night! That’s right, become nocturnal!  Hookers, pimps and raccoons already have this on lockdown.  By sleeping the hottest hours of the day away and awakening only at night you’ll avoid the sun at its peak.  Get a job as a night cashier at Wal-Mart, strip for dollar bills (those without daddy issues need not apply!) or become a cab driver. Think of all the crazy great people you’ll get to meet! Plus also,vampires are super sexy right now. 

3-Build an underground lair! By moving underground you are harnessing the powers geothermal dynamics to regulate your body temperature.  You can also begin to work on your plans for world domination! 

4-Move up north! I hear Fargo is absolutely stunning this time of year.  What better time to visit Detroit than August?  Cleveland is also another fantastic choice.  The heat combines with the pollution in the river and emits a stench that just says “summer time!” like no other.  If you’re lucky maybe the river will even catch on fire when you’re there!

5-Put on your birthday suit! That’s right-get like how God made you!  The less clothing you wear, the cooler you’ll be.  Americans are too prudish with their bodies. It’s time to become more European about our sexuality!  Just put it out there!  You’ll either get a date for Saturday night or get arrested-which could also get you a date for Saturday night. Jails have AC now so it’s a win/win either way!


7 thoughts on “Top 5 Ways to Stay Cool!

  1. I almost decided to cancel my interview when I first noticed the misused homonym… how disgusting… Luckily, happy hour is a pretty compelling place to meander through tales of dorky alumni and their clandestine debauchery…

    1. I know-I’m such an idiot. It’s the female brain, you know? It doesn’t work as well as a man’s does. Makes me sad.

  2. You know how I ‘stay cool’? I put on a pair of aviators and spike my hair all up. Then I wear a button up shirt without a t-shirt underneath, but I only button it up half way to let my chest breath. Also – man capris. LINEN man capris. And mandals. And fake tanner. And I eat peaches. Sloppily. Down near the river so I get a good breeze. I love peaches.

  3. Excellent advice, frankly, for year round living! Except for Option 4, this is how I roll on the regular. Agoraphobic and naked in my underground, cat-filled lair, sleeping by day in order to fuel my night long world-domination plots. It’s a wonderful way to live, and yes – much cooler!

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