I heart smoking cigs and running-not at the same time-just in general. Nothing gets me across that finish line after 26.2 miles of misery than knowing I’ve got a Marlboro waiting for me at the end. What runners and smokers don’t realize is that they have a lot in common. No really! They do! Trust.
Sense of entitlement! Ever notice how runners run wherever the hell they want? That’s because they don’t give a shiiiiiiit. They’re all like, ‘Hit me, bitch and I’ll sue your ass. There’s no way I’m running on that sidewalk. Oh did I run right out in front of your car? Suck it cause I don’t care. Oh is my jogging stroller in your way? Huh, sucks for you.”
Smokers are the same way! They don’t give a rat’s ass that you’re trying to enjoy your dinner. They’re a paying customer just like you and they’ll smoke ‘em if they got ‘em without regard! Glare at a smoker or ask a runner to move the hell out of your way and prepare to incur a wrath like a bitter 30 year old woman who’s been rejected for a nubile young European girl without a chip on her old haggy shoulder. I mean!
That guy! When running in a group you’ll always have that guy that’s so into running you want to punch him in the face. He’ll talk about splits, PRs, what kind of “fuel” he uses on his “long runs”. He’ll go on and on about how he wants to qualify for Boston but his last marathon time was off because of blah blah blah blah I stopped listening ten minutes ago I should have brought my iPod for reals.
Similarly, there’s always that one lady that smokes but you wish she wouldn’t so bad because she’s about to die of lung cancer like right now oh wait she’s still alive that’s amazing please stop smoking fortheloveofgod Christ you’re lighting another one off the end of that one, gross.
Being outdoors! Runners heart being outdoors. You’ll see those crazy fools pounding the pavement like it’s no big thang even when it’s freezing cold, hot as a mother, raining, snowing, sleeting, what the fuck ever.
Smokers are outside a lot, too! Having been banned from enjoying their nicotine (like a lady!) in most establishments, they have been forced to also endure Mother Nature in all her glory. It doesn’t matter if it’s a trillion degrees below zero, if they want a cig, they’ll have one damn it and don’t you judge me for it!
Life is funny. Smokers hate runners and runners hate smokers. When someone’s smoking near a runner and that runner gets all pissy I just want to yell out, “String Beans and Collard Greens, y’all! You’re one and the same! Don’t you see?! You’re so alike yet you don’t even know it! Now take your stinky selves on outta here and hug it out over there. You smell terrible and you’re giving me a headache!”