Happy Lil’ Friday! It’s only 8:30 AM and I already had to walk away from T Saur before I screamed obscenities at him due to his epic idiocy. Instead of getting fired I just yelled “Jesus Christ! Forget it!” and took a knee. Therefore this week’s Top 5 is dedicated all to him. Congrats you mother effer!
1-Facial hair. Every day your facial hair is a wee bit different. Will it be a Chin Strap Mondays? Maybe Soul Patch Tuesdays? Or my favorite! Something that maybe is trying to be a goatee but more closely resembles a Rat’s Nest Wednesday through Friday!
2-Inability to understand basic concepts and ideas. You ask me a question and I tell you the answer. Then you take me to Hypothetical Town with your incoherent ramblings for upwards of thirty minutes. Inside my soul hurts so bad that I just want to get dropped off at Example Lane and walk the hell home.
3-Made up words. No, idiot, “suboptimize” is not a word. You know what is a word though? Incompetent. Look it up. Trust. Other real words: jackass, imbecile, prick. You see where I’m going with this one?
4-Small talk. I hate you more than any other person I’ve had the misfortune of meeting. When you say, “Good morning” I want to shoot lasers from my eyes and blow you into a trillion million smithereens. I don’t want to hear about your sexy times, your brother’s craptastic band who kind of sounds like Blink 182 and is totally on MySpace, your new Ficus Tree, your new Ficus Tree planter and most certainly not that unfortunate girl you stalk at Subway every day.
5-Clothing. Some days you wear a fancy three piece suit with your cufflinks and faux diamond encrusted gold pinky rings. (Sexy!) Other days you’re wearing your too thin man capris with a teeny tiny polo shirt. Whatever you’re wearing-rest assured-it will be ill fitting!
OMG I could go on and on! I didn’t even mention his throat clearing, eating one (1) bag of chips for two hours, loud phone talking, getting excited over work, coming in early, staying late, daily phone convos with his mom, excessive Ccing of emails, walking back and forth by my desk 1,000 times a day, refusal to take time off from work, coffee breath, usage of the word “Sharp” and not like a knife, ten cent tacos at Tiki Bob’s…oh and how you’re a dead beat dad. Whew! Wow, y’all-that was like free therapy. Alright I think I’m good to go. TTYL!