I am punchy as hell today. I blame the late night I had at Sticky Rice which I blame on the karaoke which I blame on Japan. See how I did that there? (I’m just not liable). Anywhoos, I’ve grown accustomed to sleep deprivation and dehydration and learned to deal with it accordingly. As a matter of fact, I’ve grown accustomed to a lot of things in the past year. What a difference a year makes, no? This time last year I was still unhappily married. What else has happened this year? Let’s take a look shall we?
September 2008: TLW and now ex hubbers decide to part ways after he takes a little trip to LA where he swearsonhislifehedidn’tgetabj. Ha!
Cry, cry, drink, smoke, cry. Blah blah blah boring.
My car dies two days after we split to which I tell the Universe “Enough already!”
October 2008: The HiJenks fan club is established. Founding members (and currently only members although we are accepting applications) include myself, Barista and Barbara Gordan.
Less crying, more drinking and smoking.
November 2008: The HiJenks fan club is dissolved due to a sudden defriending on Facespace.
I move into my new crib! My first night there I decided to drink some wine and cry over my wedding album. Classic!
Barista tells me I have to kiss a boy by Thanksgiving. I comply and the Kissing Bandit is in full effect.
December 2008: Happy Holidays!
The boys and I settle into our new place and work the kinks out stuff we never had to do before like washing dishes, doing laundry, changing the vacuum cleaner bag, grocery shopping and finally checking the mail. Who knew your Postman could be so passive aggressive? Jesus Christ-sorry, I’ll check my mail more than once a month. Just stop leaving it in front of my door. It’s a pain to step over it when my hands are full.
I start to get into The Secret even though I don’t read the book or know anything about it. It’s all about positive thinking. I guess. Right? Anyways I Secreted myself sexy times, but forgot to add the “good” part to it. I abandoned The Secret shortly thereafter.
January 2009: Happy birthday TLW and welcome Year of Aquarius! God you’re good looking.
Barista and I decree 2009 the Year of Best Practices. Woo woos!
February 2009: Valentine’s Day! Spend it with someone you like for just right now. I had a really rad meal from 8 ½ that night. That date reminds me of the Seinfeld episode when Elaine and Jerry are talking about a date where she had the lobster bisque and then yada, yada, yada. He asks her why she skipped over the best part and she says she didn’t-she mentioned the lobster bisque. Zing!
March 2009: Against my better judgment I decide to go on a couple of dates with a Bartender. That guy was harder to shake than the clap!
April 2009: I start hanging out with a guy who reintroduced me to the wild, wonderful world of marijuana. Again, I mentioned the lobster bisque.
My friends declare that they can no longer follow who I’m dating and what their names are but they demand to meet them-all of them-any of them STAT!
May 2009: Café Darkness is created!
TLW and Barista take it to Virginia Beach where I am *convinced* I am channeling Lady Gaga when I sexy dance on a stripper pole. B is no saint-she threw up in some bushes outside a hotel so yeah…then there’s that.
June 2009 and July 2009: It’s summertime y’all! Shenanigans seem to increase with the temperature. This is when I start to get really good at working off little sleep. Red Bull stock soars-no connection.
My divorce is finalized! Michael Jackson promptly steals my thunder by dying that same day. Crazy bastard.
Billy Mays-my longest and most intense relationship this year. Still going strong!
August 2009: Dirty 30 for Barista!
Vacation nation. Not only do I kick it old school with Spades and smoking herb out of a can, but I get a super sweet tan.
Friends request that I start a blog that solely describes my dates so they can better keep track of where I’m going and who I’m with. I politely decline.
Present Day and Future TLW: I’m turning over a new leaf. No more cigs and booze. No more shenanigans. I’m going to adopt a needy child. I’m going to wake up early and run every day before work. I plan on volunteering at local homeless shelters. I hope to pen a memoir by the New Year. I’ll donate all proceeds to animal shelters. Ha! JK!
**Updated at 1:57 pm on September 9, 2009 to include additional facts previously omitted.