Doc in the Box

Doc in the Box (hereby known as DB, for douche-bag):  What brings you in today?

Barista:  I need something for anxiety.  I have to fly a few times in the next week and I’m absolutely terrified.

DB:  Oh…yeah, I really don’t like prescribing that kind of stuff.

Barista: Um….but it’s what I need.

DB:  Well you came to the wrong place.  You should have gone to see your primary care physician.

Barista:  You are my primary care physician.

DB:  Well, I don’t like writing a prescription for that stuff.  You should find another PCP.

Barista:  But you are my PCP and I’ve been here for two hours.  Are you suggesting I take my business elsewhere right now?

DB:  Not really, I’m just not going to give you any of that stuff.

Barista:  Define “that stuff”.  I would like some generic Xanax.  Not crack.

DB:  Oh, I know.  But that stuff lasts a really long time.

Baristra:  Perfect, I’ve got a cross-country flight.

DB:  But it lasts like 15 hours and I really don’t like it.

Barista:  But it’s not for you, so problem solved.  You know what I really don’t like?  Flying.

DB:  Well, how do I know you’re not going all over town trying to get prescriptions for controlled substances that you are going to abuse?

Barista:  Are you implying that I look like a junkie?

DB:  Not, not at all!  But you never can tell.

Barista:  Right.  Are you going to write the prescription or not? 

DB:  Let me check your records and make sure that this office really is your primary care provider…and let me see how many times you’ve asked for a controlled substance in the past and I’ll let you know.

Barista: ……………

DB leaves and comes back 15 minutes later.

DB:  You really should get a new job.

Barista:  WHAT?

DB:  If you hate flying so much you should find a new job.

Barista:  I never mentioned work.  So in the last few minutes I went from a junkie to a business traveler.  Are you giving me a prescription or NOT?

DB:  Oh, you’re not flying for work?  Well then you should just drive.

Barista:  I mentioned a cross-country flight several times now.  Are we all done here with the Q&A?  It’s still unclear if you are going to help me or not.

DB:  Your record shows that we’ve only prescribed this for you twice, so I am going to give you 10 pills.  NO refills.  And we’re never going to write you another prescription for this again, understand?  You should learn to enjoy flying.

Barista:  I’ll work on that right after I find a new primary care physician.


5 thoughts on “Doc in the Box

  1. He didn’t spend six years in evil medical school just to put up with your sass mouth.

    Next time drive to you destination for half-a-week each way, why don’t ya

  2. DB CAN’T WAIT to give me pills whenever I go in. Now I’m mad because I’m pretty sure they are calling me too fat to be a junkie. Also, Xanax isn’t rad enough to scam for. If I’m gonna scam, it’s gonna be for da Vike.

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