Most people are stains. That’s a fact. This no more evident than in the work place. Work is awful interesting like that. If you’re anything like me, you hate it but obviously have to work so you don’t become a hobo. Furthermore, you spend more of your time at work than not at work, making the time you spend there that much more tedious. Below are some my most favorite coworkers I love to hate:
Girl Who Gets Scared to Pass You in the Hallway So She Waits For You To Pass Her Every God Damn Time Which Can Be Up to Ten Times a Day: I want to shake her and ask her why is she so scared to pass me in the hallway? Why do you cower when you see me walk toward you? I’m 5’1 and fairly unassuming. Do you think I’m going to shank you? Poison you? Hit on you? If you keep this crap up, I just may do all three. Just sayin’.
The Loud Typer/Talker: You are apparently unable to CONTROL THE VOLUME OF YOUR VOICE when on the phone. Ordering some take out? Why yes, yes you are! PAD THAI FOR YOU TODAY-EXTRA SPICY! Checking on your daughter in day care? PATRICIA LIKES PEAS! The volume of your typing is in direct correlation to your voice. The sound of your meaty fingers hitting the keyboard should be used to make prisoners of war crack under duress I swear to the ever loving Lord. The only saving grace is that you spend the majority of your day reading Fox News and not doing any *real* work.
Old Lady Who Won’t Stop Washing Her Hands in the Bathroom Oh My God You’re Still Washing Your Hands. You’re like a surgeon scrubbing for brain surgery except you’re not a doctor. You’re a secretary. Your intense hand washing is giving me the heebie geebs. Are you scared you’re going to catch something from me? I promise I’m clean as the driven snow and shower on the regs so please, just stop. I’m shocked you manage to leave your house each day with that OCD you have going on over there.
The Hoverer/All Around Creepster: You’re everywhere I don’t want you to be-which is near me-always and suddenly. You are unaware of personal space and you are a soft walker. Your sudden presence near the copier, fax machine, break room, supply closet and my desk scares me. You ask me weird questions that I don’t want to answer like how my weekend was, what my plans are for the evening and if I’m married or not. (I’m not-thanks for asking). You tell me about how you enjoy Civil War Reenactments and how you have a penchant for frozen TV dinners. You did hook me up with a flat screen monitor though so pound dog for that one. Now please-leave me now.