RICHMOND, VA. Fan resident Sam Smith experienced what he called, “a complete and total fucking meltdown” after using new girlfriend, Ellen Davey’s, shower for the first time this morning. “I stayed the night at her place and decided to just shower there before work”, he explained. The couple recently starting dating so Mr. Smith’s use of the shower had been limited to inebriated encounters after late nights in smoky bars. “Never” he claimed, “sober”.
Upon entering the shower Mr. Smith was immediately dumbstruck by the sheer number of shampoos and conditioners. “The only thing she said before she left was to not use her ‘good stuff’, but what’s ‘good stuff’? This says it’s extra volumizing and this one says it’s clarifying. What’s better or worse about either one of those?” Mr. Smith’s confusion only mounted when he noticed the presence of both soap and something called “body wash”. “What’s the difference?” he helplessly asked. “Soap washes your body, right? Or, no? Jesus Christ it’s crowded in here”, he stated as he knocked over 12 bottles of miscellaneous shower products.
After noticing three different types of face wash and two different types of shaving cream he exited the shower not only smelling like “Sensual Sunrise” but also questioning his showering methods over the past 29 years. Furthermore a quick Google search revealed that, “poofy, plasticy thing with the holes” was not, in fact, meant to remove excess soap scum or something like that, but rather, a “loufah-ey shower poof thingamabob” you squirt body wash onto, whatever the fuck that is.