God it’s really good to see you, period! And I mean that. Seriously. For reals. I was sweating you a little bit but here you are and I couldn’t be happier to have you around. You’ve never stood me up before and this time was no exception! In order to repay the Universe for my karmic debt I, TLW, promise to not bitch or complain about you once during your October tour.
I swear I won’t make comments about how my pants are cutting off my circulation and how I look like a bit fat, fatty fat person. Nor will I marvel at how I appear to be at least five months pregnant and wonder how, for the love of God, that’s even possible when just yesterday I looked normal.
I won’t mention how much my back hurts. (Think sharp, knifey pains if you were curious!) In addition, I absolutely positively will not be upset when I wake up at three AM with cramps so severe that I wonder how women endure child birth without the use of drugs.
Furthermore I promise to not yell at anyone unnecessarily-particularly my toaster, squirrels and Steal Your Soul, Inc. I will not get irrationally upset over five minute voicemails, tiny little baby paychecks or Club Velvet. I swear it!
I will not shovel any and all fried carbohydrates in my mouth within a five mile radius. Instead of eating the entire contents of my kitchen, I will sip on herbal tea with a hint of lemon. I will delicately eat salads without dressing and perhaps some fat free yogurt for a healthy sweet treat.
Let’s spend the next 4-5 days together shall we? You’re the best visitor I’ve had in a long time! Now sit on down and let’s catch up!