To: All of the sickly coworkers of Steal Your Soul, Inc.
Re: You. Being filthy.
Effective immediately I am requesting you not spray your germs all over the office when you cough or sneeze. Are you three years old? Were you raised by a pack of wild animals? Did you not know that it’s common courtesy to cover your mouth when you’re about to hack all over the copy machine? No? Well now you do. Knowledge is power and learning is fun! How about not sneezing on the fax machine? You think you could manage that? I know it’s hard to remember things like not being disgusting, but please, let’s try from now on.
Here’s another free tip: you’re a grown ass adult. You need to wash your hands when you leave the restroom. Seriously. It’s basic hygiene. The reason 99% of the people on this floor are sick is because of your inability to follow simple guidelines for not being a foul human being. My dogs have better grooming habits.
If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me via e-mail (do not come anywhere near me every again).