I recently got a new neighbor. I told myself I would give her the benefit of the doubt before I decided to hate her. (I’m open-minded!) It’s been two months and I think I can safely say I hate her. Keep in mind, I have yet to actually meet her, but I’m certain we would not get along. I miss my old neighbor. I never met her either but she was never there except on the weekends to cook bacon. Who doesn’t like the smell of bacon on a Saturday morning? My new neighbor not only doesn’t cook bacon but she also:
1-Listens to Nickleback and Creed. All the time. Loudly. My ears were first assaulted when she was moving in. At first I gave her a pass. Maybe she was too busy to realize that such awful music was playing? However, after eight weeks of Nickleback (they’re Canadian, you guys!) and Creed (not Canadian, but still!) I’ve concluded that somehow, by the love of the Lord, she’s actually a fan? How is that possible? Like…she enjoys listening to it? I mean…really?
2-Fall Wreath. We live in an apartment. I find it odd that she has decided to hang a wreath that only she and I can see. It’s not even a cool looking wreath either. It’s just this brown thorny circle thing with all of these Ben Franklin orange colored flowers glued to it. It’s big too and has mad dimension. She also will switch up its placement from the front door to the back door to the front door again. Keeps me on my toes! I never know when I’m going to practically walk right into my own personal fake flower hell.
3-Her boyfriend. Again-we’ve never met and I’ve never heard him speak except for one time when they got into a fight over “boys night” out. I guess she didn’t like it when he had “boys night” and she couldn’t have “girls night. There was a lot of grunting and shouting involved but he told her to, “Calm down, baby”. Jesus Christ in heaven, shoot me now.
4-You’re in, You’re out, You’re in again. I’ll be the first to admit that this is semi my bad. The boys don’t like it when anyone shuts a door LOUDLY over and over again. In their defense though, neither do I. It startles them and they express their displeasure by freaking the fuck out when I am trying to chill the fuck out by incessantly barking for upwards of five minutes straight. I want to ask her if she could perhaps go in and out maybe just 10 times in a row-as opposed to her normal 15-20. It’s giving me a headache. Thanks!
5-Choice of television programming. Again, partially my fault. I guess if I were legally deaf I wouldn’t be able to hear every single show she decides to watch. Furthermore, I guess it’s on me that this programming tends to be….and I can’t even believe it…Fox News. I mean sometimes even I will watch Fox News at the gym for shits and giggles. It’s like the Cartoon Network-funny, mindless bobble heads who make me laugh. But she watches it-for reals-all the time. As much as I enjoy joking about Socialist healthcare and Creationism-enough already.