One of my favorite things about me is my ability to rationalize any decision and displace blame when needed. An easy and free way to do this is to constantly change and evolve one’s New Year’s Resolutions throughout the year. I think it is rather outdated and Puritanical to claim that a resolution made on January 1st is going to be fitting for an entire year. A lot can change in 365 days and it only makes sense to be able to alter your New Year’s resolutions accordingly. Below you will see a list of resolutions from 2007 to present.
January 2007-December 2007: Never go to DTSP (Down Town Pump). Ever. Seriously.
January 2008-December 2008: See above.
January 2009: Do not make out with bald guys. Note: this stands throughout 2009 and into infinity. Same with never going to DTSP.
February 2009: Do not make out with anyone at 2 AM!
March 2009: If you must make out at 2 AM ask yourself if 10 AM TLW would agree with 2 AM TLW’s decision.
April 2009: If making at 2 AM, don’t do it in a bar.
May 2009: Really try your hardest to not make out at a bar, but if you do, limit this to once every couple of weeks.
June and July 2009: Limit sexy times to one boy/month. That way you’ll know who the baby daddy is and you won’t have to go on Maury.
August 2009: It’s okay to go to DTSP ONLY if you’re going to see a movie there. Because let’s be honest-that movie theater is pretty effing sweet. (Extra butter on my popcorn, please!)
September 2009 to present: I want to prove that unicorns exist. Completely unrelated to unicorns is making out needing to slow its roll! As the holidays quickly approach it’s time to start planning the live Nativity scene Barista wants in front of her home this year. If I’m going to play the Virgin Mary I’ve got some serious changin’ to do.
Side note: we are currently accepting applications for the roles of: Joseph, two Wise Men (one is already filled), an inn keeper, a mule, maybe a goat, and a baby Jesus. Hit us up at firstname.lastname@example.org if interested!