People are up in arms over the proposed names for the Richmond’s (maybe) new baseball team. Please note that no one will actually attend a game for this new team, but we’ll bitch and moan about all things baseball and act like we actually support local sports in Richmond. Eventually the team will say screw it and go to another city that’s not quite as weird about loving to hate a sport they won’t support. Anywhoos, MOVING ON.
To be perfectly honest I think the five proposed names all have what they call in the modeling biz “potential”. They just need to all maybe lose 5-10 pounds. (Nothing drastic, sweetheart-just cut out those carbs). Right now they’re too “catalogue”. I want “runway”! Smile with your eyes, y’all!
Richmond Rock Hoppers-Straight Zexy. You remind me of my high school days when I would go to Pony Pasture to drink beer and get high. There was always that pervy guy showing his balls to anyone who would give him a second glance. They would always be the Richmond Ball Showers to me, but hey, who gives a shit?
Richmond Rhinos-Honestly this makes absolutely no sense-which is why it is fabulous! Rhinoceros and Richmond are like pink lobster pants and PBR-seemingly incompatible beings living in the city together harmoniously. Kumbaya, you guys!
Richmond Flatheads-This is my least favorite of the bunch. “Flatheads” remind me of blackheads which remind me of the 7th grade which remind me of awkward. By transitive reasoning awkward is cool so I guess it’s not so bad. When attending games I would wear ill-fitted white jeans, Hypercolor T shirts and Keds. Respect.
Richmond Flying Squirrels-I love squirrels. I love looking at squirrels and having staring contests with them outside of my kitchen window. What’s better than just a regular squirrel? A squirrel that fucking flies-that’s what. Jesus Christ I need another drink just thinking about how awesome that would be.
Richmond Hambones-“Hambone” was the nickname of the world’s largest men who, back in the day, appeared on the Geraldo Rivera Show. (Remember that?!). Hambone was so fat they had to literally cut him out of his own bedroom and….(wait for it)…forklift him onto an ambulance. WHATTHEFUCKITYFUCK IS THAT? Would I wear a Richmond Hambone T shirt? Hells to the yes. Would it help me stick to my diet? Absafuckinglutely.