Henrico County residents Mr. and Mrs. Barista have confirmed that their 1998 model washing machine has contracted the H1N1 virus, also known as swine flu, and is not responding well to treatment. The couple also notes that the 1998 model dryer that lives in close partnership with the sick washing machine has been disconnected and placed in quarentine in the hopes of containing the highly infectious disease to the laundry room.
Mr. Barista says the onset of the H1N1 virus appears to have been swift, yet describes the difficulty of recognizing the symptoms of the virus. “I put in a load of laundry this morning, which included things like a large cushion and several towels that I used to clean up the wing sauce that appeared quite mysteriously on the couch last night in Mrs. Barista’s absence. When I left, the washing machine was filling up just as it normally does. But when I got home a few hours later, the washing machine had thrown up violently all over the laundry room. At first, I thought the washing machine was pissed off at the amount of hot sauce I gave her, so I did what any man would. I kicked the shit out of her. It wasn’t until I realized that she spewed soapy water all under our kitchen sink and across the whole kitchen that I realized the washing machine wasn’t just being a little bitch” he said.
Mr. and Mrs. Barista are not hopeful that home repairs will be successful. They will be holding a candle light vigil for their ailing washing machine this evening in front of the Home Depot on Broad Street. The couple respectfully requests that no one questions their swine flu story or ask who pulled the plug on the washing machine. Donations will be collected prematurely and accepted with thanks. All proceeds will be used towards the purchase of a new washing machine.