I try to go visit my mom once a week. I’m trying to get in good with her will and don’t want anyone taking what’s rightfully mine one day! JK-I’m an only child and she’s broke as hell. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Hello!
Anywhoos, a visit with good old mom never goes by without her either talking about something inappropriate or asking me an entirely too personal off a question followed with her being shocked when I refuse to answer. Last night’s conversation was all about birth control! Yes, that’s right. Birth control. Mind you I believe we were talking about how Obama was going to handle the increasing violence in Afghanistan before this little segue but I digress. It went something like this:
Mom: When I was your age I was on the Pill. I didn’t have problems with it like you do.
Me: (already knowing what I’m in store for) Oh dear.
Mom: I mean what is your problem with the Pill, TLW? I mean, really? Every time you try one there’s an issue. Jesus!
Me: (wondering what I did in a past life to deserve having this conversation) I mean, yeah….uh…I don’t know. I’m just not a fan I guess? You know, Mom I really don’t want to talk to you about this so if we could just-
Mom: -You know what they used to have before the Pill? Diaphragms! What a pain in the ass those things were! It wasn’t just a diaphragm-you had to use spermicide, too. Messy!
Me: (Nausea quickly setting in) Oh my God.
Mom: Yeah everyone was really happy when the Pill came out. You know why?
Me: (having resigned my fate at this point I meekly answer) Because of the Sexual Revolution, Mom?
Mom: What? What’s that? Did you say Sexual Revolution? My hearing is shot in my right ear. You know that. It’s because of that ear infection from a couple of years ago! I’m old, TLW! Anyways, yes, exactly. The Sexual Revolution-I was a part of that! You kids today didn’t invent sex, you know. But, I’ll tell you what the best birth control I ever had was but it hurt like a sonofabitch!
Me: (trying to think of something, anything at all that could potentially change this topic of conversation. Unicorns? The weather? Anything? Bueller?) What, mom?
Mom: The Dalcon Shield!
Me: Please stop talking.
Me: What? What’s wrong?
Me: Seriously, mom? You’ve just told me at least three different methods you used to not get pregnant and it’s gross. I don’t want to talk about this anymore!
Mom: Well you know you were a “surprise”, TLW. Don’t sit there and look at me like that. Say, listen-have you thought about that NuvaRing?
TLW: Goodnight, Mom!
Aaaaaaaand end scene! Let the record show that my mother is second only to my ex husband to recommend the NuvaRing. With advice like that, how could I possibly refuse?!