The birds and the bees!

Nice and awkward

I try to go visit my mom once a week.  I’m trying to get in good with her will and don’t want anyone taking what’s rightfully mine one day!  JK-I’m an only child and she’s broke as hell.  The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Hello! 

Anywhoos, a visit with good old mom never goes by without her either talking about something inappropriate or asking me an entirely too personal off a question followed with her being shocked when I refuse to answer.  Last night’s conversation was all about birth control! Yes, that’s right. Birth control.  Mind you I believe we were talking about how Obama was going to handle the increasing violence in Afghanistan before this little segue but I digress.  It went something like this:

Mom: When I was your age I was on the Pill.  I didn’t have problems with it like you do.

Me:  (already knowing what I’m in store for) Oh dear.

Mom: I mean what is your problem with the Pill, TLW? I mean, really?  Every time you try one there’s an issue. Jesus!

Me: (wondering what I did in a past life to deserve having this conversation) I mean, yeah….uh…I don’t know. I’m just not a fan I guess?  You know, Mom I really don’t want to talk to you about this so if we could just-

Mom: -You know what they used to have before the Pill? Diaphragms! What a pain in the ass those things were! It wasn’t just a diaphragm-you had to use spermicide, too. Messy!

Me: (Nausea quickly setting in) Oh my God.

Mom: Yeah everyone was really happy when the Pill came out. You know why?

Me: (having resigned my fate at this point I meekly answer) Because of the Sexual Revolution, Mom?

Mom: What? What’s that?  Did you say Sexual Revolution? My hearing is shot in my right ear. You know that. It’s because of that ear infection from a couple of years ago! I’m old, TLW! Anyways, yes, exactly. The Sexual Revolution-I was a part of that!  You kids today didn’t invent sex, you know.  But, I’ll tell you what the best birth control I ever had was but it hurt like a sonofabitch!

Me: (trying to think of something, anything at all that could potentially change this topic of conversation. Unicorns?  The weather?  Anything? Bueller?) What, mom? 

Mom: The Dalcon Shield! 

Me: Please stop talking.

Me: What? What’s wrong?

Me: Seriously, mom? You’ve just told me at least three different methods you used to not get pregnant and it’s gross. I don’t want to talk about this anymore!

Mom: Well you know you were a “surprise”, TLW. Don’t sit there and look at me like that. Say, listen-have you thought about that NuvaRing?

TLW: Goodnight, Mom!

Aaaaaaaand end scene! Let the record show that my mother is second only to my ex husband to recommend the NuvaRing. With advice like that, how could I possibly refuse?!


4 thoughts on “The birds and the bees!

  1. You were a “surprise”? Is that like a “mistake”, because they didn’t birth control, or more of a “miracle”, because the sperm dodged the spermicide and snuck around the diaphram? Inquiring minds want to know!

    1. I was a surprise mistake. Apparently assuming that you are infertile because you had never gotten anyone pregnant before does NOT mean you can’t have kids! Thanks, Dad!

  2. i was also a “mistake”. apparently the sexual revolution didn’t include educating women how NOT to get knocked up. my mom also does TMI with the best of them, but instead of talking to me about MY sex life, she tells me about her issues with vaginal dryness and other pleasantries.


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