1-Overreacting to the weather– RVA is famous for overreacting to any and all weather events. Water falling from the sky (this is called rain) causes a panic that could only be compared to impending nuclear disaster. The shock of heat and humidity in the summer is an annual event. Side note: I’m still waiting on clarification from my besties at NBC12 to tell me what the hell the “Comfort Index” means. What the hell is a “five” Comfort Day versus “nine”? Anyone? Of course there’s the mother of them all, winter weather, causing 24/7 news coverage and an “all hands on deck” approach to the slushy rain that will cause a run on bread and milk at groceries stores throughout the Commonwealth.
2-Sweater Vests. It has been my experience that anyone wearing a sweater vest is a douche. Barista fondly named such a lover of the sleeveless sweater “Bitchy McSweater Vest” who is King of douche-baggery. Several weeks ago we sweetly and politely asked to borrow McBitchy’s lighter when he snippily responded, ‘I DON’T SMOKE!” and stomped away. He then proceeded to light up just several steps away from us much to our shock and horror. We’ve got your number McNosleeves .
3-Little Jerry Seinfeld. In the Best and Worst of 2009 I mentioned my worst semi-feral cat acquisition. Like his namesake, I brought him home to usurp Mr. Paws, the leader of my semi-feral cat colony. It was my belief that Mr. Paws had gotten too big for his britches and needed to be taken down a couple of notches. After several scuffles it became apparent that the only thing Little Jerry Seinfeld was good for was making biscuits on my belly. Mr. Paws’ bravado is now worse than ever. I think he may try to kill me in my sleep, you guys!
4-Daylight Savings Time-I recently had a fierce debate over the origin of DST. My argument for its inception was that farmer’s needed more light in the morning to harvest their crops. My opponent (hi!) said it had nothing to do with farming, but had to do with saving electricity, an argument that still makes zero sense to me. Regardless, I don’t give a rip why we use it. I hate it. Leaving work when it’s pitch black sucks balls and I have the perpetual feeling that it’s time for me to go to bed when it’s only 8:30 at night.
5-Voicemails. At work the glaring red light is a reminder of this outdated form of communication. E-MAIL ME PLEASE. Playing phone tag with you fifteen times when you could have e-mailed me once makes me want to take some short-hand right quick before I use the overheard projector while mimeographing some copies.