By Special Guest Columnist: The Rain
RICHMOND, VA-Recently it has come to my attention that you all are a little sick and tired of me being around. Apparently it is my fault you can not drive in the rain and it is my fault you are incapable of remembering to bring an umbrella to work. News flash guys: I am not nuclear fallout, okay? I am water. H2O. Two Hydrogens, one Oxygen, 100% badass. Plain and simple. “Oh this rain is just awful”. “If it rains one more time I may go all Sylvia Plath up in this piece”. Blah, blah, blah. Enough! Do you think I like hearing people talk about me like I am not even there? No, I don’t. It is not nice to talk that way to anyone. Ever. Even me.
Last time I checked I was kind of responsible for some important stuff, but I guess that is not of great consequence is it? I’ll just assume you don’t want me to sustain life on Earth and you no longer want to do things like, oh I don’t know, grow food and drink water. Fine with me. I am tired working so much anyways. I haven’t had a raise in three goddamn years. Here’s some beef jerky and salt lick. Enjoy.
I’m tired of the bad press. It is either too much of me or not enough. This isn’t Goldilocks, mother fuckers. Jesus Christ. I have decided just to piss off you ungrateful bastards I am going to stick around until at least tomorrow night so put that in your pipe and smoke it. Oh and one more thing, turn on your freaking headlights when you use your windshield wipers! It’s the GD law!